i can't fall apart for another time. i feel sick. but mostly fucking dumb. sickly dumb i'll have to give it up till i get my shit together. if i ever get my shit together. but i have to give it up. maybe i won't be happy any time soon, but i should at least be able to control my shit. i'm afraid to make a sweeping declaration because i might not follow through. i'm afraid i'll remain a lush. an idiot lush. it's like the days i'd been a very heavy stoner. i told myself i'd quit for months on, and i always failed. but i suppose eventually i accomplished that. eventually i kicked that habit. but alcohol is monstrous. it's not just spacing my brain. i feel completely paralyzed to losing my shit. to being very stupid. my self-loathing has officially invaded my sanity. i think i'll start my own AA group. a group that involves only me because i'm gonna fix myself up. all by myself. AA!!!!!!!!
there's no good note. i'm mostly very angry with myself. and i'm rather tired of waking up not knowing what stupid shit i'd done the night before. only to be informed of the stupid shit i'd done, then i'd feel that same pitiful and pathetic sinking feeling that occupies most of whatever my feelings are. i can fucking do it.
