NEW YORK CARES

NYC SEARCH PARTY
I never want to leave this place and I am sad thinking about going home. I need to find a way to live here. And fuck, I knew I'd feel this way once I got here.
Harsh reality fucking blows.

Sitting Alone By The Window

"If Death--who was out there all the time, possibly sitting on the hood--if Death stepped miraculously through a glass and came in after you, in all probability you just got up and went along with him, ferociously but quietly."

J.D. Salinger from Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters and Seymour an Introduction

Oh no

It's childish but I can't say it's alright. I'm out of campus, chattering teeth, in the most cowardice position of an arrogant little shit. I would live in my cave if life would allow me. This fucking thing. Am I dead yet?

Sunken City

Disclaims: Just realized a chunk of my blog was deleted and this was part of the elimination. Sad.

It was before we ever needed to take our heads up in the sky. It was a warm summer night and we laughed beside each other. We began to walk the train tracks, saw a dead fox, circled around its rotting flesh, then proceeded to the night. We didn’t know how long the walk was and we didn’t know exactly what we were walking for. There’d be hours of silence, hours of scattered conversations, and hours of staring down at our feet stumbling on the tracks. Ace, Mak, and I wore Jordan’s best friend’s shoes, four sizes too large for our feet. They felt like flippers, but we didn’t care. It was peaceful. Insects were fucking around with our limbs, and we were soon to find dozens of mosquito bites in all corners of our bodies the next morning. The tracks varied in all smells atrocious and unforgettable. The swamps lingered heavily and humidly. Mud, dead creatures, and the worn off scents of the girls’ summer perfumes. I remember being wrapped up in my thoughts, content and undisturbed. I was satisfied with the walk, with my friends, and with myself. 

 Roman spotted a train from miles away. We waited patiently and steadily. I walked near Mak, Jordan, and Karen. Ace walked ahead with Cody and Roman. As the train came to a near, we stepped off the tracks and slowly walked beside the approaching train. Up ahead I saw Ace, Cody, and Roman descend from the tracks, conversations loud and excited. The train sped right beside us, so we stopped, stared at the blurring speed of the train, and just stood there. I smiled at the thrill of the speed, of the satisfying standstill of that hour, of the warm sinking of my memory embedding. I looked ahead and saw Roman jump and Cody and Ace. They glorified. From hundreds of feet behind them, I felt their moment of happiness and gleamed. Their smiles screaming sincere, with no hesitation from our daily and superficial concerns. They looked like the innocence of childhood and of youth, huddled into their coincidental and silent agreement to hold each other excitedly. My god, we were invincible then. I looked at each face near me. I saw centered smiles and the will to continue a walk to nowhere. A walk to a city that sunk below us. 

 When we arrived at our supposed destination, we denied disappointment by never having an expectation at all. We saw roofs above swamps, abandoned houses, and the art of some street soul decorating the deteriorating walls. We didn’t find much of interest. We idly looked around, sunk in the view of this sunken city, then turned back around. We walked another long set of hours, this time in all silence. By the time we reached midway, the sun peeked from the hills. We walked peacefully, at our own pace, watching the morning cows and the morning sky.

crs n jam

For the passed few weeks, I had been getting closely acquainted with a few people in my class. In fact, I see them more than I see anyone anymore. We spend hours at school, then hours more after school because I benefit from studying with them and we are always grouped together for projects. We eat and distract each other from our work. We laugh too loudly and exchange racist jokes. They like my stupid face and I like how vulgar the things that come out of their mouths are. I didn't think I'd get along so well with anyone in there but here I am making new friends and being completely comfortable and satisfied about it. Undeniably, they give me a reason to want to be in school. I no longer take the opportunity to quiet everything with my BALLINNNNN' headphones. They yell at me like they're my parents and I am their retard baby that struggles to pass the fucking class. Today, Jamila told me that Cristelle wished for me to pass the class when blowing her birthday candles. I don't do well with showing appreciative  and gushy emotions but I really did soften to that one. I said 'DAWWWW' and quietly appreciated them more. It's nice to have friends ok. IT'S FUCKING NICE AND IT MAKES THINGS OK. 

They tight, they tight. 

Batting Cans

The usual disclaimer: I wrote this when I was on a streak of writing stories based on my friends. It's been months and I still can't finish the second part of it. I figured though, that it's time to share this one. 

Part I. 

My phone rang on the nightstand. It was 2am and my TV flickered a movie that I’d memorized every line to. She was a blonde. She was short and wasn’t beautiful, but I felt I deserved it.

     “Hello?”

     “Can I come over?” her voice finding a casual composure.

     I hesitated for a moment because I understood that it will be another mistake but I had no arguments to stop myself with.

     “Sure.”

     “I’ll be there in thirty,” she hung up knowing I’d say nothing more.

     I thought about the anticipation that thirty minutes would leave me with. Maybe a silence that offered me an imagination of what my night will follow. The TV went on and I zoned to the darkness of her under me.

     She knocked after twenty and saved me from my anxieties. I walked to the door, opened it, and found her back turned away. She turned around shyly; playing with her blonde strands loose from whatever day she’s had.

     “Hi,” I managed and began a smile that suggested nothing.

     She smiled in return and proceeded inside my house. It only took her a few steps into my living room till she slowed and paused to what I assumed were her own anticipation for regrets. She turned to me and smiled anyway.

     I was awkward and lacked any initiative. Then I wished she knew what to do with me so I can follow on what to do with her.

     “I was just watching a movie.”

     “In your room?”

     “Yes,” so I played that opportunity to head to my room and she followed behind me, clutching on the purse on her shoulder and finding more smiles in her to offer me.

     We were childish.

     We were amateurs.

     I thought about offering her a drink but we were already in my room and she was already sitting on my bed, waiting for me to make my advances. But I didn’t. I sat beside her and the bed moved with our tension. I felt immovable for a moment as I tried to face her.

     Shit.

     We had nothing to say and she knew that. She giggled then leaned into me for a kiss. It was slow and intent. I kissed her back urgently for a second then I stretched for the lamp on my nightstand and clicked it off.

     The darkness found us naked and insignificantly less tense. We took our clothes off as we kissed. I was easing into excitement and began to act more myself. She was smiling in between kisses, excited to finally have what she’s wanted from me.

     Under the sheets, we slid against each other. I threw the pillows on the floor and realized I’d left the TV on. I thought about turning it off but it meant it would only be her and me. So I left it on and took comfort in its background, knowing I’d remember which lines would distract me from all this.

     We were only kissing, her hands on my cock as her mouth began to move sloppily against mine. She was sucking on my neck and moving downwards. On top of me, with the sheets sliding off her back, she was frantic. She found me down there, risen to her mouth all over me. Then for a while I laid back and watched her head bob in front of the movie that I memorized so well.

     She went up for air and I reached into my nightstand, fishing for a condom. Before I could open it, she took it out of my hand.

     “It’s OK, I got the shot.”

     “Are you sure?”

     “Yeah.”

     “Alright, but if you get pregnant I’ll have to punch you in the face.”

     She laughed not knowing how inconspicuously sincere I tend to be.

     We kissed again and she threw the condom on the floor next to the pillows. Immediately, she rode me. She was on a mission, hair a mess and faces of no avail. My hands were on her hips, gripping to the sight of her tits bouncing in front of me, completely blocking my movie now.

     Panting and moaning, she rode till we began to sweat. She was consistent and persistent, eager for me to come. I simply let her fuck me, let her do what she wanted to do with me, let her be who she needed to be. Her version of a breather was leaning to me for a kiss while she grinded slowly. Heavy breaths, a grind, and my hands grabbing on to her ass.

     I came, eventually, and she slowed to a halt then rolled over beside me. If she finished, it was none of my concerns. My movie was over and the credits lined up. Pillowless, we both stared up at my ceiling and panted together. I heard her mouth pull back a smile so I thought it appropriate to pull back a smile as well.

     She got up and flipped her head left and right for her clothes. She was feeling through the darkness so I reached for my lamp again and turned it on. The light brought back our tension and she was pulling on her clothes. I sat up and tried not to watch her bare back as she fought with her jeans. Then her shirt was on and I slid off the bed to put on my shorts and a shirt. She turned to me and smiled to tell me she was ready to go.

     We walked out of my room and through my house with the forgettable satisfaction of the night. She kissed me under the doorway, a quick thank you kiss or whatever she wanted to leave me with. Again she smiled but I was tired and out of smiles so I closed the door behind her then walked back to my room where I restarted my movie and waited for sleep.

     

BEAT

For the passed few days, I have been meaning to sit the fuck down and get my thoughts together. I mean, create something new. But I was at Berkeley today for clinicals and I can actually feel the exhaustion melting out of me. In fact, I can feel the exhaustion of the passed few months just spilling out of my body. Weekends are becoming more brief than the last. My constant need for more time in the day has never before been so insistent. Now that I have no time to spare, I crave the ease of doing nothing. When I had time to read books of my liking and write things out of utter boredom. Although, I must say, I turn myself on with this inexplicable infidel-reminiscent yearning to write. Ever since I decided to become a nurse and have run out of time to exist as myself, I get these unpredictable bursts of streaming ideas and I write them the fuck down. They're not all good but I end up stealing away study time just to finish certain pieces that get me caught up. Yeee, it feels like I'm cheating on my own life. Being in this nursing program is like being engaged to a girl that I knocked up. Writing is like the one that got away but I somehow met again after I'd already been engaged. Right now, I feel like I'm cheating on my fiancee with the one that got away. I'm reaching that point where I'm torn between staying with my fiancee because we are about to have a kid and it's the right thing to do or leave my fiancee before I go through with the wedding and be happy with the one that got away. But I'm too much of a coward to make a decision so I'm just dickriding on the simple and nearly-satisfying pleasure of stealing time with my Great White Buffalo. It's exciting, ok. And I don't know how this got so fucking gay but... 

ye.