Blogger looks strange. I've been accustomed to its same style for years and I took comfort in that. Like I could always come back to it and it wouldn't taunt me. But now it looks nothing like it did before. I guess that's alright, I've been expecting it to become unfamiliar just like everything else.
My assumption is that no one visits this anymore. After being an avid blogger for so long, I was bound to get sick of it and not post anymore. Sometimes I wish it wasn't like that because at least it kept me writing. But now I write my shorts on loose papers and napkins, and it isn't so bad. I just hand the piece of writing to my audience of choice and wait for feedback or some polite smile.
I'm also coming to terms with a few things. I decided to settle and calm down. These passed several months, I feel like I've been trying a lot to keep myself up. I've been very mean to a few people. People who probably don't deserve that extent of meanness. But people who irritate me enough for me to think they deserve so. I won't apologize, I'll just try to be nicer. I have to stop being at Mikal's house as well. It's taking me down to a new level of dependency and I hate the way that dependency stiffens inside me when I'm at my lows. I need to be at my house, in my room, on my bed, writing these posts and these shorts, and finding myself again. I keep losing myself in my stresses and my fears and my worries and I'm becoming someone that I truly resent. I just want to care about myself again. People get really shitty so there's no reason why I should be taking it out on myself. It's not my fault it gets shitty. Sometimes things are just shitty. Shitty yeah shit yeah shitty.
I think I might've gotten sick at a perfect time.
Regroup. Reassemble.
