That's what I feel everyday now for these passed weeks. These passed, unbearably long weeks. I feel uneasy, unsettled, uninviting, unapproachable, unkind, and uncooperative. I started to feel shitty about myself a little while ago, and I thought it was just a funk. I thought it was a side effect from the drone, or from the limp start of the year, or from not caring too much about anything but being a shithead. But then it started to weigh on me. It started with sadness. It was this warm wave of break downs and sad stories. But I was able to talk about it. I'd just get sad. The sadness led to denial. Denial meaning parties. Meaning wasted, and wasted, and wasted. My system got really good with alcohol ingestion during those times. Shortly after, the parties turned into a desire for quiet, alone, and stoned. This is when I stopped talking. Then it turned to emotional attachment. But every single emotional attachment I had for anyone hailed on me all of a sudden. It brought me to frustration and a desire to be apathetic and alone again, where I'd screech through terse outbursts of tears. When I couldn't get myself to detach, my chest started to panic. I was feeling like I should be six feet under where I can't hear or see anyone. That turned into hate. The hot, unrelenting fever of hate. And now I just hate. I'm a hater. I hate on everything and everyone and I want to talk shit and make people feel like shit because I feel like shit. And when I can't take the fact that I feel this excessively hateful, I cut myself out of pictures and lay low in my head. But all I really picture in my head is shattering glass. Or bashing a face with a baseball bat. Or driving 90 the other way on one-way streets. Or kidney failure. What. Or lung cancer from the indulgent amount of cigarettes I smoke.
THIS IS HOW I FEEL.
THIS IS HOW I FEEL.
