I found a new sense of indifference. This way I lose my anger translation of anxiety. It's all still shit to me and I still have nothing to believe in but the day is getting longer. I'm still at war with myself. But now its a quietly stubborn battle between being who I want to be and who I know I should be. But they're all making me so happy.
I think.
Got to... got to.. I have got to get myself together. I need to save time for myself so I can do shit like this. Shit like writing shitty posts on my shitty blog. Shit like laying in my own bed, looking up at my own ceiling, listening to the sounds of my own walls. Shit like finishing the tower of books I eagerly built. SHIT LIKE FINDING NEW SHIT TO LIKE. Watching a fucking movie by myself without falling asleep because I get stoned. Taking a walk to the bench I like so much. Running errands alone. BEING FRIENDS WITH MYSELF, SHIT LIKE THAT. I got to be friends with myself again. I can feel myself leaning on everyone. Leaning on Mikal. And I can't be constantly leaning on anyone. I want to get good at being alone just so I can be alright with being alone.
Maybe I should stop writing.
