Monday, January 16, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Where am I?
My grandmother passed. After being told she was gone, I couldn't help but feel this slow ascending of suppressed anger rise out of me. I felt sick even 1) because I was drunk and tired when I'd received the call 2) because after years of knowing her, I finally recognized a feeling for her. A feeling that doesn't exactly warm the heart when told that someone had passed. It was just this unmoving anger. An anger not potent enough for rage but enough to linger once in a while during the quiet of my thoughts.
She never really cared for me. She never wanted much to do with me. With us. She never seemed happy to me. She never seemed like there was even much life in her. It was in our inopportune time that we got to meet her when life had decided to pile on her regrets and bitterness. There wasn't much for me to know. It was just gambling. It was all that mattered to her. I just hope that there was more to her than who I've known. I just hope there was a time in her life that she chose to live and had been happy. I hope she left us without her regrets. I hope she left peacefully. Because otherwise, I don't ever want to be like that.
Rest In Peace.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
OASIS
"You have a beautiful voice."
It was refreshing to hear the strange voice of kindness and optimism. What is it about direct, personal human interaction that we obsoletely shy away from? It's already so lonely being in our conscious minds. But then again... I routinely find myself being displeased with people. So no argument or preaching.
Passed the misanthropy that I typically can't shake, a strange conversation with no bias or emotions is nice to have on a shitty day. It's all impressions with no promises.
Refreshing.
Passed the misanthropy that I typically can't shake, a strange conversation with no bias or emotions is nice to have on a shitty day. It's all impressions with no promises.
Refreshing.
A Summary
"Somewhere in 2011, I got bored with who I am and everyone who surrounds me.
I thought my relationship with the word ‘bored’ died the same time AIM did…but I guess not.
Cheers to a lifetime of inescapable boredom."
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Jager
At first, my body wasn't good at handling or holding any alcohol I would consume. I knew I just didn't have the capacity. Where would my body put it all? But the frequency of our partying and my intake... I am building a comfortable tolerance. Which makes me weary at times. I don't want to indulge in drinking. This addictive personality is going to take me down and shake me hard. I don't want to fall into the ease of intoxication. It just feels so damn good sometimes. It feels good to be with people I can stand, toast to a few good things in life, turn the music up, and dance till my calves want to give in. And these passed few days, that's all I needed. I ended the year with a party and I began the year with another party. I'm good until further notice (aka just waiting for my next paycheck). What the fuck is wrong with me.
Monday, January 2, 2012
No Pride
The less prideful I am, the shittier I feel about myself. It never feels better to give in. I get this guilty, regretful sinking in my stomach when I do. It's like eating an entire cake to myself, with the frosting smeared all over my sad face. That's how it feels. But I can't help it either way.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Dragon Tattoo
I laughed because she seemed like me. She moved the way I did with you and said things the way I've said to you. The heat in the room rose. The energy between us rose. And everything else inside me rose. You really are the only thing that made sense to me.
I have my shit together with you.
It's always going to be us. Even if I deny it and reject it, it's always going to be us.
I have my shit together with you.
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