this might be one of the most terribly awkward portions of my life. i can't even really comprehend what i'm laying on. an egg maybe? i just know i spend a lot of time waiting. i think that's what makes this portion so awkward. waiting is always awkward. i hate that word, awkward. even the spelling is odd. the K is sandwiched by two W's which are also sandwiched by two A's. Then given by a rushed R and D finale. pronounced aloud and my brain immediately uses the inflection of a stunted, idiot teenager. So considering all that, i'll instead describe this portion of my life as one of the most terribly stiff.
fuck that, i digress.
who makes you laugh the most? and not out of humor or any sort of sheer comedic brilliance. who makes you laugh the most out of plain personal joy and amusement? is it your lover? your favorite person? isn't it usually? i can't tell who makes me laugh the most. (apart from myself considering it's a concrete fact that i have never once fake-laughed myself). i keep thinking about this lately. maybe i'm afraid to acknowledge the answer.
fuck that. i digress again.
i'm completely out of sync with everyone right now. i spend so much time with myself that i can't seem to flow normally with anyone i spend time with. it's like that moment of suddenly being too aware of your hands and then struggling to decide what to do with them or where to put them. my relationships with people feel like that right now. it's stiff.
fuck it.
i'm going to wash my hands of these irritatingly mundane thoughts.
