Alright alright

I spilled wine all over my record player and now my room reeks of something funny even if I know it's wine. I've been a hermit lately because I'm bummed about living and I realized how little connections I have with people anymore. I cut off so many ties to the people I once called my friends and I now stare at my phone thinking of just how fucking bummed I am. I live in my hole and no one really bothers me because everyone is afraid of me. I try to write a lot. I try to read some. I chainsmoke like it's my last day to live and I borrow my father's alcohol to help me sleep at night. It never really helps though. I end up staying awake passed 7am every morning anyway. Life as I know it is a black hole of the sad blues. I've got the blues and it's all mine. All to myself. Alone in my hole of a room. I began talking to myself earlier after I had scarfed down two..TWO burgers from In N Out. I don't particularly like In N Out and I almost can never finish even one cheeseburger. But this sulker is an eater and I have a duty to eat. Anyway, I began talking to myself as I stared blankly at my TV when I realized that I haven't even heard my own voice in days. I havent had a conversation with anyone and my voice is a fucking alien. Right after I heard myself and startled myself with my foreign idea of a voice, I stopped and zipped my mouth shut. Because of...I don't know... Embarrassment. Shame? And the sad sad idea of how pitiful I am to myself? Fucking ridiculous. And so now I am laying awake in bed even less compelled to ever speak...maybe ever again. I don't even care how much of a fucking pooper I'm being. FUCKING POOPER. Life bums me out and I want no part of it.
Fuck me I hope no one will bother to read this.