Sick

I told myself I'll clean it all up today. It felt nice, laying around in the cold, thinking of better things and better days. The number 20 has been intimidating me all year. Which is why I spent the entire summer forcing myself not to care about a single fuck until nothing really mattered anymore. And I've been trying to shake myself out of that but this is the first day that it's all been really clear to me. How ironic that I found it laying in bed, not intending to smoke it off and forget it all by 5pm, passed out by 2am, dark circles around my eyes by the next day, then doing it all over again. Not that. Not again. I can't anymore. Today I decided to be honest. And as honesty gets, I took comfort in the things that used to keep me awake. Strangely enough to me, I decided to reach out to my close friends in the past. And it was comforting, having small talks and small smiles and the ease that kept me together for so long.

I just needed something more than my own perpetually bitter inclination.