A few of my favorite things:

-Gray days
-Sundays in bed
-My record player
-Coloring
-Eyes
-Secretkeepers
-Infinite.
-Thump thumps
-18 and rebelling out, on the way out.

405

"You keep twisting the truth"

Blogger,

I don't know what to say. Do you know how much has happened? How much has changed? How easily things could fall apart and fall together? I have so much to say, but I won't. Because I can't tell you. And they won't understand. And it all will just get ugly.

I'm going to get myself a hardcover journal... but with lines. Because I can never keep writing in a straight line with out the line. Oh I have so much to say.

I love when I put it in shuffle, and all of the best songs play.

I'm feeling really scattered. I want someone to talk to, and tell all of my secrets. But the right person never comes to me.

Sundays.

I'm laying in bed with The Cure singing to me about summer. It's dark in here with the blinds and with out my night light. I wish someone was here to keep my nerves calm.
I can't get myself to turn off the fan because the sound familiarizes me to sleep.
Through the blinds I can see that the sky outside is red, my favorite. This bed is heaven, but I do like to share this heaven with someone.
Tomorrow is ours.

Boot Camp

I can't help it. This Marines thing is really bringing me down. It makes me so sad, and so scared, and I already miss him so much.

The night of my party, his speech was the only speech that made me cry. If I didn't have the ten pound bouquet covering my face half of the time to stop the water works, I would've been a wreck dead on. My mouth became heavy at the corners, my eyes started to sting, and my heart started sinking. It always hits me. At random times even.

I can't help it. He's my best friend. He's the only that's ever really, consistently been easy, or...made things easier for me. He's my source of ease and security. I can't imagine being so down as long as I know he's my best friend. But knowing he's leaving, it's really killing me. And I have a hard time expressing that to him, because I don't know if I'm supposed to.

All I can do is support him, and hope that things will always be alright, and that he comes home whole every single time. I just don't want anything bad to happen. And I know he's a big boy, and he can take care of himself, I know that. It's just... I don't know, I can't even bring myself to say it.

Summer is far from now. Winter isn't even here yet. But every day is another day closer to that fateful day. And every day my heart breaks a little bit more.

I hate falling asleep thinking of this.

Baby,
When I come home every day, I always know that you're good to me. No matter what I do, and what happens, you still claim me yours, and you still love me the same.
I'm sorry I haven't been around. I'd just been so caught up with things.

I love you, and you know it.

I'm In Trouble Again

"Oh fuck..."

Internet isnt exactly down, I'm just too comfortable to get out of bed.

Last night was the night. It was stressful and hectic and majority of the night I was wishing I was in bed. Still fun.

I thank everyone for coming and my court for putting up with everything. But most importantly I thank my parents for being the best parents.

18 feels nice.

I Just Had The Best Birthday Of My Life

All thanks to all of my best friends.

I have never been that speechless before. I have never felt so vital, so important, so significant, so loved ever. E V E R.

My room is beautiful. My life is beautiful. I wish I can explain in words how I feel, but I really can't. I really can't. This was so unexpected, and so amazing of them. I love this.

I was semi-depressed all week you know? Worried about turning 18. Worried about adding on to my bad birthdays streak. And even at school today I pouted. But I came home, stepped into my room. And seeing how beautiful they've done everything. My bad birthday streak didn't continue this year. Oh my heart...

I owe so many thanks to so many people. My heart is just bursting with joy. This is the best birthday that I have ever had. Ever. And I didn't even cry out of sadness this year, at all. Everyone knows I cry every year. But this year. I am so full of happiness.

All thanks to

Josh Batacan
Joyce Keokham
RV
Taylor Ann Hoover-Hart
Makayla Dias
and of course the mastermind of the operation
Adrian Del Fierro.

And everyone else that contributed to my happiness, thank you so so much.

And of course to all that wished me a happy birthday. All the scattered texts that I received and all of the "Oh it's your birthday?!"

I'd show you pictures, but neh. They did it for ME. So it's mine all mine tonight. And besides, Ace did all the photography/videography therefore I don't have any.

I will sleep a good, 18 year-old sleep tonight. On my new bed! And my new sheets! And my new pillow! Staring at all the pictures! Listening to record player!

I love you all so much.

I'm complete, absolutely and hysterically complete.

I'm staring at balloons and flowers, everything that I didn't want to expect today. And I'm shaking frantically, panicking about something I can't even grasp.

I knew he would; it's a good thing that I'm in love with him. It's a bad thing that he has to deal with me now.

I'm In Awe.

I spent the last day of being seventeen pouring my heart out, like I wasn't afraid of anything at all.

God you're amazing...

Today is my last day to be seventeen. I'm in Ceramics pouting.

Once I pass my birthday I know I'll be happy about this.

Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting

Ange sucks.

A thousand apologies to the man in my life.

This will all be over soon.

Well,

Nothing is as boring as other people's dreams, still true. But I can't get myself to finish this book.

Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting
Nothing interesting

I'm getting really bored with everything, I'll be honest. I need something new before I make a mess out of things.

You,

It doesn't feel like we have time at all. And I want to stop and just drop everything for you, but it can't work that way, and I know I have to be patient, and I know I have to keep at it. But this is dragging on, and knowing myself, I tend to start changing.

And you,

We have to start always choosing happiness again. These weekends have been sulked and are worrying me. But undoubtedly, we still have the best times together. We Always Choose Happiness. It's a summer promise.

W.

PS. I love you both dearly.

I'm sitting outside a tiny tiny cafe within SFO.

I know I should be happy but there's something about airports that feel like sadness. It's gray and metallic everywhere, speckled floors with scuff marks and baggage-wheel trails.

This reminds me of when I'd left the Philippines 8 years ago. Arguably one of the saddest moments of my life. And it reminds of two winters ago when I had to leave my life for a little while. Finally, I can't escape the reminder of when Adrian will soon have to leave.

Maybe if I see more of them smile, I'll want to smile too. Or maybe when I see her walking towards us with her luggage, it'll hit me, and I'll burst into smiles.

Damn It.

My parents got creative. The door frames in the hallways are now brown. Motherfucking brown. My room is now accented like it's a happy forest, and RV's looks like mint candy.

This is by far the ugliest idea that my parents have ever had. But they seem to be for it. I am wondering what they were both on when they decided to do this. I feel like I'm in the 70's. Our house lost its simplicity. Now parts of it are just straight up ugly.

Oh god damnit.

It's Not A Rainy Day But...

It's still mighty fine on this gray day.

GOOD MORNING

My dreams are confusing me. And TapTap still makes me really anxious. And the smell of paint smells like that summer that RV said I could've died. They're painting the hallways white, and it's even whiter now.

I need a haircut because these old hairs are taking me down, and I need to stay on top.

It was firepit night.

I'm at the cold of my room and I smell smoked again. I like the sounds of crackling fire. And I like the people that surrounded me. But there's something so unfortunately sad about tonight, and I wish I'd never left her house.
Because now I can be unfortunately sad in my own quarters, with this song repeating over and over...

Dear Snow,

I wish you were there last night too.

You would've been the one to fill the empty seat in Tami's car that we all know belongs to you.

At this moment, we're in Tami's car again, one thousand and one miles per hour, Elephants As Big As Whales.

Company Calls Epilogue

At the end of the day, I end up here.

Sometimes, there's too much dusts on my floor and I can't function right. Like I'm thinking of all the wrong things, and then I look down and see that on top of the dusts are my clothes from the day or the days before. Days like that, I'm on the blacks and whites. And I get sad when I hear a sad song, excessively. Or I lose myself in my happiness, limp on my bed, and I don't do anything.

But like now, the wood of my floors are spotless. My clothes are collected in two hampers, and I'm replaying this album over and over. I'm feeling right, and I'm thinking right. And even when I hear this song, I'm not as sad, and I'm not as thoughtful. It isn't as interesting. It's just good. Because like the lady from Costco once said, Nothing is ever interesting, it's just good (or bad) I presumed.

Soon, more dust will collect with out me.

Fox: You know why I didn't go to Kenny's house today?

Ange: Hm?

Fox: Cause I wanted aloe and taro..

Silence.

Our fridge is stocked full of aloe juice and taro ice cream.

Aloe and taro over sex, YES.

Psychology;

I should've ditched with Ace.

Hi Blogger,

I am in class, lacking in giraffe love, meaning I don't have my pencils which mean I am excessively anxious.
I am also out of aloe juice. I'm using a yellow .7 pencil with skulls decorated around it.

But the worse part about this all is that this is the first day that I am not wearing eyeliner. I don't know why it makes all the difference but I feel like it does.

This has been fun.

Fox is extraordinarily sound asleep next to me. She's so asleep that I don't even want to wake her to cuddle.

But my sister just played New American Classic and I feel exceptionally sad.

She kept saying, "You could've died that summer." And I don't quite know what she means by that. But I'm getting the idea that she has an idea of how painful that summer was.

I want to sleep.

Dear Blogger,

I am currently in bed with Fox. She's trying her hardest not to fall asleep. And a few feet from us is RV on the laptop playing TBS and I love Adam.

This is the first time that I will be posting a blog via text and this just isn't the same. But I still happen to like it.

RV just warned me that she will be playing Slow Dance on the Inside, and to brace myself.

I think I'll cower now, or keep Fox awake.

This has been fun.

Hi, it's 9:42pm and I am coming to find that my temper has been flaring lately.

Who's Looking At The Same Moon?

It's so close and so warm on this nearly-really-chilly night.

I saw it shining through the curtains and the blinds from my living room, and my heart was pounding when I glanced. I love how these things take my breath away. And I wonder, who else could feel the same. And then I wonder if anyone is looking up at all. And then I feel silly, because I just want to call someone, or even desperately text them, just to say what I have to say.

To say that it's things like these that tingle under my skin, and make me smile to myself, and cherish every little thing that I have to cherish. And it's these things that stay in the taste of my mouth, tapping on my toes.

But I stayed silent. I thought it deserved my peace.

My quiet peace.

So I sat back down on the couch where I'd left my mark, where my thoughts immediately, habitually, willingly, and naturally led me to the man in my life.

Today I Thought About My Turning 18

And I got excited.

And I think about how much will really change in the house, and how much difference there will really be with the way my parents treat me. A part of me is convinced that they will be aware that I should be more free to do what I please. I'd paid my 18 years' dues, and it's time that they no longer tell me when to sleep, or restrict my outings with friends, which are always, no matter whom I am with, harmless and ...sober. Ha.

Then there's a part of me that thinks there will be no difference. That for as long as I live under this roof, I will have to abide by the rules that the rest of my siblings follow. That they'll just lecture me, or guilt trip me, or relentlessly STAY ON MY GRIND.

I'm a good kid. I can say that. I'm a lazy kid, but I am a good kid. Sometimes I think my parents don't give me enough credit, and I think that they've misunderstood the way I am. But then again, I don't really think they know much of who I am. And this will always make me sad.

Eleven more days, and after that, thirteen more days until the party is off my back. And I just can't wait for that.

"Nothing Is As Boring As Other People's Dreams"

-John Green, Paper Towns.

And I intend on not talking about my dream, but it's kind of haunting me. It has been for approximately an hour and a half. In other words, when I woke up.

Maybe not haunting, but it's stuck in my head. And generally, I forget my dreams. I hardly remember them. Especially since I no longer have a dream catcher, I've been dreamless. And by dreamless I probably mean I just haven't remembered any.

I dreamt about you, and it scared me. Because we were supposed to be alone, but we weren't. And we were in your room, and it was bright, but it was supposed to be dark, and your eyes look exactly as I had remembered them. And I was almost certain that they had changed.

It went from good, to bad, to worse, to really bad, to relief, to confusion. I was disoriented almost the whole time. The things you said, the things I said. The things we did. And the way you cried as you said the things you said, and the way I stared at you astonished because I had never expected that, not even in my dreams. Because you would never.

And I was warm and sad, I remember I could feel the sadness on my face as I supported myself up with my elbows so I could see you. And I listened, and you were so sad. And I wanted to fix things but I didn't know what to say.

It was strange because you felt exactly the same. And I was beside you and felt exactly the same as it would have always been. But I knew things weren't the same. Because at the foot of the bed showed up Fox, and she reminded me of my life, and I wanted to go. And I didn't want to stay knowing we're wrong.

And it faded from there, and I woke up, and I felt sad, and I remembered you and you felt sad, and you felt the same, and smelled the same, and your eyes were the same, the same brown, but I left and I don't know what happened to you from there, but now I'm wondering why I'm remembering a dream that was of you, but I haven't remembered a dream of mine in months because your dream catcher went down, and I looked up as I laid thoughtful and certainly it wasn't there.

But like I left your room in my dream, I stood up and left mine to forget that I had a dream at all.

It's freezing.

Jabe Says He Reads My Blogs Everyday

And it made me happy, so I'm going to dedicate a whole blog to him,

My best friend JB.

Last night he came over at 10something with Bucket. He was lacking in movies and food, and Fox and I were dying in my room. Sadly, we weren't just dying, we were slightly pitiful. The mood, the night, the music, it all just didn't fit right for a happy night. But once Jabe stepped through the front door, we were light again.

In the living room, he stood the way he always stands. He fit in my living room just right, like he fit being with us, because Jabe fits in with everyone. For an hour, we spent a quiet living room night not watching movies or eating unlike as planned. He told us about college, about Kris, about work, about his brothers, about the people that he despised. And we listened because he's so animated. And he always makes us laugh, always. Always.

And we all shared bits and pieces of ourselves.

I found that I can't be sad or mad around him. He is the lightest and what someone would describe as "chill". And that's why our first whole summer together, I refer to as Jawsh Summer, the Chill Summer. We can be serious with out being serious. It's his IDGAF self that blends well, but in reality he does care, well, with me at least I can feel that.

Last night he was asking himself why Kris had chosen him. What he had that [list fellas' names here] didn't have. And we never gave him a straight answer because the conversation branched out to him being a nerd, and the situations that in fact would prove him a nerd. But that led to other discussions about the unrelated.

I think... that they just found each other. I think that's how most couples are. You don't necessarily choose. When you've come to love someone, it's since they've found one another. And the negative things that we could say about ourselves won't matter so much because the other would love us the same anyway. And they love us with all the imperfections and flaws that we have.

JB is the best. And that's why he's my best friend. I'm always so proud of him, and he always cares about me. And I'm lucky enough for that because he doesn't care about too much. And he always surprises me. He'll tell me the best things at the most unpredictable moments, and they're rare enough and amazing enough that you could catch me sleeping with a creepy smile on my face.

He loves me like an Angie,

and it's perfect.

Is This Heartburn?

It hurts all over my body. On top of that, my sinuses are worsening, and my migraines are increasing.

Rehearsal today made me want to kill myself. IT WAS SO FRUSTRATING. But at least we got to somewhere, which, I'm content with. The waltz makes me feel soooo silly, but it's kind of nice. Everyone made it today, which made me VERY happy. But handling 32 teenagers, wow.

I want to go to sleep and stop thinking about this but the pain in my body, and the two bodies sleeping on my tiny ass bed are stopping me from doing so.

I can't wait till this is all over. Next rehearsal, next rehearsal will be so much smoother, it WILL be.

Je suis fatiguee.

Hey there Blogger

I just feel like telling everyone.

Everyone, Taylor Snow received freedom today. LICENSE! She beat both her senior best friends, UH HUH. You shine Snow!

And...

She found a poem online with my name on it by luck. It's an elegy! she keeps exclaiming aha.

angie. noone knows what really happened to her. all they know that she was naked and dead. some people say it. was foul play some people say. it was a blood vessel in her head. but then i began to have these wierd dreams about her. some beautiful some horrible. but how do we know whats real and whats a fantasy. when angie's not here to tell.

She says it's creepy, and I really like it. I think I might love it.

Rehearsals tomorrow, RSVP SLAVES.

The waltz songs that my father chose are so silly. But I get to choose the opening song. Yeah Yeah Yeah's on MINE.

Yeah yeah, good night.

I Have Dead Eyes

This makes me so sad...

Dear Blogger,

I'm going to end up writing about the man in my life, or the best bestfriends I could ever have, or the pretty weather that's making me want to write about the man in my life, or the best bestfriends I could ever have.

So, since this happiness isn't wearing off, then that's that.

TIRED.

Title Track

I was in detention today, and I left in the middle of it. Because of this, the rest of the detained students earned ten extra minutes in the round room. Shit goes down like rubble. AlrightIfeltalittlebitbadkindofnotreallynojustkidding I didn't at all. My hand smells like pizza even after my shower because for dinner tonight, RV cooked the pizza with out thawing it which made it excessively wet and soggy, while lukewarm of course. I don't know what to say, I just want to talk. I've been coming across a lot of softcore porn you know? Good god Tumblr.. Oh hey the weather still feels good.

We Have The Facts And We're Voting Yes

The weather is all the rage, and I'm going with its flow.

This is what I'm talking about. The brisk cold never falters to bring me to my soft sides, to my sweet sounds, to my covers, to their covers. To their clothes that remind of the way they smell. I'm so surprised. I'm so surprised at how in love I am with this cold.

It's so much easier to miss the man in my life this way. Oh, my heart aches in the best ways.

ACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHEACHE.

My Best Boy

"I do love you like an Angie because I wouldn't love you any other way. You aren't a sister to me but neither an attraction. You are simply Angie to me.

And it's perfect."

JB always knows.

Friends like mine.

Meetings

It's always so hot when we all swarm my living room. Breathing in each other's heat, chomping at each others' statements, and I am always playing with my temples, like that'd bribe away my accumulating frustrations.

But then I look over to you sitting there, squeezed by the fives of them, like a shy, shining child. The tiniest sardine among the largest ones in the can. It wasn't your scene, and it wasn't hers either. But I found the most encouragement from the tiniest wrinkle of your smiles that you toss my way. And my temples felt independent, and I was fine again, just for a second.

I found that your smile lines keep me so sane.

I hate to be so selfish, but I want your smile lines to remain just for me.

Goodnight.

Stone Fox

Today was the first day that I'd ever seen you cry. I squinted through my eyes, as you smeared tears on yourself. I hated that feeling, I hated it. I felt enraged, and I had a slight strange feeling of vengeance. I wanted to take you way away right then, just so you'd never be that broken.

I love you, you know? I hope our day together has provided you with enough laughs that filled you with our kind of happiness. Because today, we had spleen-splitting laughs and food children that were kicking to explode. I really hope so.

My best friend shits on everyone, you know? She has these huge eyes that are sometimes green, and sometimes brown, with an orange exploding in the center. Today they were brown, and today I saw them sad. But you know, she has a pet peeve for big eyes, isn't she strange?

And she smells like home, not Ange's house. But she smells like home. Homey? She thinks I'm really nice, and she laughs at all my jokes even if I know they're ridiculous. And we're always making faces at each other, but she's really fun. She always knows what I'm talking about when I'm talking to myself about an inside something. I still flabbergast when I think about how she loves Lacey too. She loves that dance with Kameron too. And she couldn't stop watching that video too.

She's honest, with all sincerity, with all her embarrassing little admissions, with all the opinions that her cranium's got. I've never been able to tell someone so much, with out fear of offending them or scaring them away or being misunderstood in such an extent. I have no idea where she came from, I really don't.

I hope I don't see her cry again soon, unless it's because she's so happy. Because we're always so happy. And she's always so cuddly. And she always talks about how much she loves Adrian. And how good Adrian is. And how mature he is, and how he never complains or curses, and how he treats me really nice, and how he's SO nice, even if he thinks he's an asshole. And how they can be friends with out it being awkward, because he talks to her like a friend. And I love the both of them. So much. And she loves Jabe too. She knows how much I love him, and now she knows why, and now we make a good trio/quartet when Ace is alive.

She's always open to things/people that I love, and she becomes a part of many aspects of Ange. Because she bothers to be in my life. And she walks to my house even when she's hella sad, and I get to make her feel better. When she first came in my room today, she said hi to me, and then broke into tears. And I felt the way I felt when I saw Jabe cry that one day. And I wanted to do something about but I couldn't. So I just held her like I held Jabe. And my best friends are the best I could have, and I'm typing so fast right now because I'm babbling like an idiot, but I don't know, I have so much to say because I'm so happy about everything, and I'm so in love with everything, and I can't stop thinking about the greatness of everything because nothing is ever shitty anymore, no matter which day it is, and what happens. Oh man oh man oh man oh man.

One day, Fox and I are going to have a pair of French Bull Dogs, and they're going to be good buddies, and we'll have play dates. We're saving up, mhm!

Yeah, my best friend shits on everyone. My best friends shit on everyone. My darling shits on everyone. My life shits on everything. I need to go to sleep, or calm down or something because the Opera Cake is giving me a gooooood sugar rush, like the past nights have been giving me sugar rushes because Fox and RV and I keep going to french bakeries and we buy desserts that are filling and so sweet and so good and man oh man, We Laugh Indoors.

Fox, you're the best. I love your bitch ass, your ass that is HELLA high bro! RV and I can't help but be friends with it.

HYSTERIC!

H A P P Y .

Lamps

I felt my smile lighten my face as I stared at the lamps, dimmed and intimate. Like I was sitting next to you, darling. Like you were smiling at me smile.

The chairs were emptied and sighing in relief at the day’s end. I rested my head on the booth, and thought about us sitting on those chairs happily, filling them in detail with the happiness that could only be us. And we’d sit and talk and stay until they asked us to leave. And we’d smile at the waiter, sharing a secretive agreement between us, and he’d understand, I’m sure he would.

And then those chairs would be empty again for the night until the next two people who sit and talk and smile at one another will stay on the chairs until the waiter asks them to leave. And the waiter would understand, he really should.

The two would walk away, like we would the night before. Arms around each other, and exchanging satisfactions. You’d open the door for us, and we’d stay out the night, walking and talking and playing and loving.

It’d be cold, and my hands would be frozen to the tips. But you’d hold them any way, and kiss them when you find my eyes. I’d say you’re mine, and you’d say ‘I know’. And I’d show you my teeth, and you’d show me yours, and we’d stay gleaming and chasing breaths.

But unlike those nights, I sat there staring at the lamps because they were dimmed and intimate. Because there were chairs that looked like our happiness. And the waiter would know that we love each other. And we’d leave with the lights turning off behind us. So I only stared and smiled. And then I missed you. And I wished you really were there, smiling at my smile, and staying.

I had a good night with you even when you weren’t there.

Sleep Through The Static

I only woke up once last night, around 5, realizing that the music stopped playing. I generally always wake up in the middle of the night, every few hours or so. But my sleep was just that comfortable.

The night before was magnificent. Fox, RV, and I went on a restaurant hunt. Our first destination was this bakery at Pacific Commons. We did desserts before dinner, ruined our appetites, but ran around crossing intersections like a Yeah Yeah Yeah's song was encouraging us to.

2nd destination was Panera. I've never been to Panera that late before. I couldn't eat dinner, the taste of Tiramisu lingered. And there we sat till dark, talking and laughing and Dr. Seuss...?[:

I used to not be fond of Friday nights. But they've been the best in this new life.

Bread, Jazz, and winter talk.

I WANT HIM, WHY IS HE TIPPED!

MY ACHING HEART I'M IN HYSTERICS!

We Use Each Other For Sex

Except for today.

Because today, we went on a zombie hunt. The zombies got me, and the day wasn't so good, but it was still so good. You know? You don't get it. It's alright. I'll take a shower.

PS. Darling, I'm on my toes.

Hello Afternoon, Kiss My Shades

I'm alone in my room again. Nothing significant happened today. In fact, the day passed so quickly that I found myself home watching The Cable Guy, thinking whether or not I should come back to school to the people that I love. But I'd forgotten that today was a short day. So I stayed here.

One of my favorite things: Alone time.

On days like these, when my friends are out and about, and my man is doing his thing, I like being home with my music. I like sitting on the porch until my arse hurts. I like grunting about the motorcycles that speed by obnoxiously. I like guessing whether the next passerby will wave back to me, or ignore me like the majority of them. I like singing songs in my head that get me so into it that I end up singing out loud. I love it when someone familiar texts me to say that they see me porch monkeying.

Sometimes, I like to lay on the couch, pretending I'd fallen asleep. When really, I'm daydreaming about Adrian. And before I know it, I really do fall asleep. Sometimes I wake up to his calls saying that he's stopping by. Sometimes I wake up and it's dinner time. Sometimes I wake up, and another face is just staring at me, wondering how long I'd been asleep. And sometimes, I wake up and I have an errand to run.

The best part about being alone is thinking about everyone. And thinking about how...I'm not just infinitely complete. I'm not just joyously happy. I'm balanced. I'm centered. I am not driven to insecurities, insanity, and doubt. My best friends, my man, they don't make me feel like I'm crazy. They don't drive me to do crazy things or be crazymadbitchthatthrowsafitabouteverythingandpicksfightsandthinksselfishlyandclosemindedly Or even be mad, or upset, or sad, or anything negative about any damn thing because I don't want to miss any time. I just feel good about myself. No weight on my shoulders.

I found my right balance now. My better kind of peace. My better kind of aches. My better kind of love.

I keep thinking to myself, what if I'd found myself earlier before? Where I am now, this is the change that I always just dreamt to be. This is the change that I always put on my list before summer began. To "change, be better" I used to write. Everything that has happened the past years of my life, when I used to feel like the sickest person on the face of this place, well it's all worth it now. Where I am now is the best place anyone could be.

This is the peak of happiness, and it's not wearing off.

I PUKE FLOWERS AND BUTTERFLIES.

Hand in glove
The sun shines out of our behinds
No, it's not like any other love
This one is different - because it's us

Hand in glove
We can go wherever we please
And everything depends upon
How near you stand to me

And if the people stare
Then the people stare
Oh, I really don't know and I really don't care

Hi I Can't Sleep

That's because I'm not trying to. But let me tell you something. Let me RANT about something.

Psychology class is a waste of my time. The instructor is a waste of my time. She does not compel me, the class does not compel me. The atmosphere is dull. Her cheap diction makes me tap my fingers on the desk. The constant, relentless reading out loud that she makes us do. Why are you making us read this out loud? Our fluency is the last of our concerns. A few, fewwww paragraphs read out loud I can deal with. But for the whole bloody block? It's horrendous. Makes me wanna ...

Makes me want to buy a dozen eggs...and fry them. ALL of them. And then eat 'em! All of 'em! With rice! Till I'm hella full! Till I'm sick to my stomach and all I can feel is the sickness in my stomach rather than knowing that I'm registered in that class. I can't even pronounce our instructor's name.

It's 11:33pm and my man has not called. I finally get to beat him to it! I never get to call him. He's so swift!

11:35pm [edited]
I just checked my phone, damn it. I have a missed call from him. Ange loses again.

Today, Adrian Bought Me A Bagel And I Accepted The Cream Cheese

I never accept the cream cheese. Dina the lunch lady knows this. But today I did.

Anyway.

A few of my favorite things:

-When someone calls me "Ange"

-500 Days of Summer

-My new comforter set because it reminds me of Fox

-Seeing Snow at least once when I'm in school

-When Adrian is here for mornings

-Fox's house

-When Tami drives bawls speed

-ALOE JUICE

-Texting Ace every second when we watch our shows

-Goodnights and I love you's for Jabe
-Microsoft Word 2003

-When the family goes to Century 25

-My Nicole's x3

-Dr. Pepper and Kitkats

-Sleeping in not my clothes.

Goodnight!

It Was Because Of A $10 Bill But I'm Glad I'm Passed That Now

Last night, I called him back as I was falling into the deep of my sleep. Amusingly and sweetly, as we talked, he told me how many miles there are from here to the Philippines. I told him I wanted to know this, I just didn't know he'd really search it and tell me a precise answer.

Now I know how far we'll be away from each other. And as hysterical as I was when he told me, I felt so sad. Thousands is too much.

I remember how much I loved the Philippines when I came back there. I hope he still loves me more :D

Listen to me whine. It's still nearly 2 months away till he leaves. But I dread every day that we get closer to it.

PS. I'm preparing myself for a zombie attack. Never know when those suckers come down to town and eat my flesh.. or yours..

It's 3:39pm

It's infuriatingly hot, and finding out that tetris is no longer on my computer just adds on to my already angry afternoon.

I want Dr. Pepper.

500 Days of Summer

I love this. So much.

Shaved Ice and Naked Heat

This will sound strange coming from me, knowing me, because I am me but...

I don't want the heat anymore. I want the cold, brisk on my finger tips, and all around us. Summer is over. It's been over. I accepted that it's over because it was just that good. But I'm ready for the cold. I'm ready for autumn to be here, then the holidays, and wrap me around winter. I'm ready for a new winter, with this new love. I will stay passed the past because I don't love the past as much as I love the present anymore, or even the future.

Today was hot, too hot. Why did it have to be so hot? I didn't enjoy a second of the sun. I didn't soak myself in its glory like I would.

Yesterday as the sun set outside my window I yelled, "SUMMER'S OVER!!!!!!!!!!" And I know that it is, so why does it have to get so damn hot all of a sudden?

Aha I'm annoyed at myself that I'm always so concerned about the weather. It makes me feel old, golden years kind of old. But I've always been this old. Aha, I've been anticipating my retirement years for as far as I can remember now.

Summer is over, and I want the cold now. My life suddenly completes me. You suddenly complete me. I feel different, and I will keep moving forward.

You've Got Everything Now - The Smiths

I keep laying on my bed, on this warm weather, with some songs that sound cold, and with completely different smells around me, I find myself torn. I feel old, and new, and the same, all at the same time.

I don't feel sad. I just feel out of sorts. Like I'd spent the last days sleeping with out shifting or twitching at all. And had dreamt of nothing but a cold, sweaty black that somehow taunts me once I'd opened my eyes.

And when I open my eyes, I'm struck by the bright green that I thought I'd gotten used to, but this time, I feel like a stranger in my own quarters. So I try to focus on the lyrics of what ever song is playing at the moment, and this afternoon, well this afternoon, All of our friends were here but they all have gone home. I can't grasp this.

To top it all and excluding the migraines that won't let me be, I tried vanquishing a swirl of rainbow sugar with my front teeth while switching from book to book to book, because I really just want to finish them. I confused the nearly-illiterate, suicidal, anti-capitalist bum with a serial killer that died a fantastic death. Maybe that's just my problem, ever since I read the book The Seven Days of Peter Crumb, I'd been obsessed with murders or deathly concepts and sick ways of being, characters that wrap at the sides of my brain and stay beneath my skin until I can fall asleep.

I'm giggling to myself now. I love weekends.

Time's tide will smother you.

I Anticipate Sleep Time Because I Sleep So At Peace

I remember this time last year. It was hot too, and it sounded like The Strokes. I'm doing so well, and so busy, and so happy that I never even found the time to mop my wood floors or finish storing up my hoodies from the laundry bin.

I have a stack of books that I'm all reading simultaneously, and it all does get confusing. I convince myself I'm reading one thing, when I'm reading the other. And I confuse details. Never a cute moment for my cranium. But I'm enjoying my time.

Yesterday, we went to our Senior Picnic. I had such a good time. It wasn't a completely...complete moment, but I felt happy. It felt like Great America in the 8th grade. Fox, Kim, Henry, and I became one cozy group of girls. And I forget how much I love Kim, but I love her so. And Fox, well, she's very flexible when it comes to company, very versatile. She's like JB. She blends well, mixes well, and I don't have to worry. And Henry, he returned my DVD to me with out the DVD inside the case. I was upset to find that out tonight.

I didn't bring a camera with me so unfortunately I have no images to display and keep. I didn't get to spend as much time with my darling as I thought I would because we both have our set of friends, and it all just isn't as easy with time. But he's so good, so good. He doesn't make me feel excessively flawed. Just..a little bit, the average, ha.

I fell asleep at 8pm last night on my couch. I fell asleep thinking that I was still sliding down one of the tunnel tubes, or trying to survive in the wave pool. When I woke up at 10pm, I found myself alone in the living room darkness, and I dragged my arse to bed to call the man in my life. But I fell asleep after he hung on me saying he'll call back in 5 minutes. I was just that damn tired.

And today, well today was good. Jennifer's Body is a shitful of shit of a movie, but I enjoyed watching it. She's not even that hot. I just envy her body, rah!

Oh and at the end of it all, Tami drove a thousand miles per hour, with our windows rolled down, and the best of the best is thumping out of the speakers. But this time, not only did I have Fox in front of me again, with her hair flailing, but I look to my left, and I had Ian there looking at me with those warm brown eyes saying I love you.

I could just die.

This is what the world is for...
Making electricity !

Wingman,

We'll cover your tracks.

"I hope she has the time of her life."

PS

I don't know why, but every time someone calls me Ange...
Just ...Ange ...you know?

I get excessively and thoroughly happy.

One of the many, little things in life.

Petit Copain

Je vous presente Adrian Del Fierro.
Il m'aime et je l'aime.
C'est tout.

Maybe I'll Update You

I've been really busy with choir. We watched that movie too many times now. Tina Fey is just so entertaining.

As of this very moment, I'm still thinking of the rainy days coming our way. I'm listening to Death Cab because they always sound like cold. And they're achey and remind me of some things... But like always, I'm just too happy. Life is too joyous, you know?

Since school began, time has been winding us around. I have no classes. I have Art, then Ceramics. Both of which are less dull than I'd imagined. I thought that school would give me a more convenient time with Fox, but I was wrong. This weekend was our first best friend time since school. She has Kenneth, and I have Adrian, and there's always everything else in between. But the weekend was well, and so will everything else be.

Adrian is incredible, did you know? I don't feel crazy when I'm with him. I don't want to fight, I don't want to control, I don't want to do anything that gets in the way of any time I can have with him. He's like my college boy. He always has something to do, always his priorities to keep.

I was afraid that he'd graduate early, but he chose not to. He doesn't want to miss out on our last months together. I love him, you know? I was afraid of when he goes to the Philippines this November. I was afraid that things would change, and he'd change, and that he'd love the Philippines more, and would really stay there. He might go to college there. He might attend a university there because it'll be cheaper. And I'm so worried of that. But he's reassuring me, and our love is keeping me so sane. I'm cherishing everything, every single second we have.

Mm, this entry has taken a different turn. I shouldn't think too much about this. This means I need to shower this off now.

Why You'd Want to Live Here

All of a Sudden...

Everything changed.

You make me wanna...

I Was a Kaleidoscope, You Know?

I always disliked going to family parties on my mother's side. It saddens me, bores me, makes me miss the family that gives me sincere attention, the ones that are far away.

But the best part about my day, excluding the morning waking up to Fox on my left and Ace on my right, is the rain. I've been having prayers for rain, believe it or not. And I'd missed it terribly. When I looked out the tinted glass window tonight and saw the wet parking lot getting wetter, I welled up inside, tingled inside, and fell into my happiness. First thing I did was step outside to smell the air. When that relieved my longing, I called the man in my life. Disappointed that he didn't answer, I sat there on a chair with the party a faint sound behind me, my palms under my chin and my head out with the rain.

I love nights like this. All I thought about was being under my covers, in his clothes, wrapped up in all that I adore.

I love this. I love us. Autumn is coming. And winter, oh winter. Sounds like...

PS.

"I want us," he said to me.

And I wanted to cry right then.

I don't want him to leave.

Yesterday

RV had the best birthday she's ever had. All thanks to the love of the greatest friends.

Kim, Fox, Ace, and her best friend, Chen.

Chen did a good job. We all felt a sense of envy when we saw what she'd done. Chen, a good best friend.

I'd post a picture...but photobucket and/or tinypic is damned.

And it was a good night, such a good night. It was infinite, you know? Warm and dark, and the moon was MIA, but it was the best nonetheless.

The best.

Rude Awakening

The devastation of my newly digested news is trying to drag me down. It's mean, and tempting, and semi-persuasive. But it's nice, I find this silence that empties me just for a second.

I won't be able to see them this weekend, like I've been hoping for in months. And this sadness will go on, and on, every time I hear them or even think of it. I think I'll stay away for a while.

But it's nice, because I have my own silence now. A silence that couldn't hurt a fly. This silence though, it's being broken by... my sister singing Air Supply songs recorded on our voicemail. If you were here with me, you'd laugh too.

And it will always be good.

It's the Room, the Sun, and the Sky

I've been waiting for this moment all my life

I don't know why I've found a new affinity for this. I've known it for so long. I guess I just never gave it a chance. It's like taking a second look at someone and realizing something you should've realized before.

I've nothing profound to say. So I'll let my music consume me.

The Question

"Imagine a future moment in your life where all your dreams come true. You know, it's the greatest moment of your life and you get to experience it with one person. Who's standing next to you?"

-PS

ADF.

My best friends like you so much, all of them. They always tell me how fond they are of you, and how good you are. And I tell them how quickly I'd fallen in love with you. They like you so much, aha, and I can't ask for more.

Best friends and you = HYSTERIC!

...Suddenly complete me.

I feel so alive, you know?

The Best

Jabe and Fox

On the first day of school, I told my friends I want to collect 50 sneezing pictures. Yesterday, I captured a yawning picture of this bad cat and decided that instead, I'll collect 100 sneezing/yawning pictures. Isn't he so ugly that it's cute? :D?


She was so wasted! Jabe was passed out somewhere over there.


I love I love. Best friends.

"Petals"

I didn't realize before that I was afraid of falling in love. Simply afraid. Why the hell would I let some idiot, any idiot have ultimate power to break me, and hurt me, or leave me? This summer treated me so well...that I'm saying fuck it, fuck the rest. I ain't scareda nothin'! Pain ain't shit! I've come out alive before, what should I be afraid of now? Nothing! I've spent way too much time being afraid, and ducking down, and bricking up a wall, around me, and not saying what I want to say, and making up unbelievable excuses, and putting 50% of myself out there. I've got the raw material, the goods, the best. This time around, I'm giving 100%. I've learned my lesson. I'm ready for the consequences. So here I am World! WhoElse?

:D

"...a speech is required aussi... I'm so nervous, because I want mine to be the best, most heartfelt speech she hears, as selfish as that sounds. Actually, I just want to outshine everyone but Makayla, I think Makayla has earned first place, though besides that, the urge to "win" is eating away at me. Especially when it is mildly academic like this. Oh, I hope it makes her cry... with joy."

Aha, Taylor Ann Hoover-Hart, I love you, I do.

The best makes me sigh in satisfaction, and smile a quiet smile that lets me shine.

The First Day of School

And I'd just gotten home after a long day of being in and out of the heat. I must say, even with my classes boring me to my skull, I absolutely enjoyed the first day. I was able to have everyone again, and see them, and talk to them whenever I pleased.

Being a senior isn't as significant of a feeling as I...expected. But it certainly feels comforting being at Kennedy again. My time spent at Washington has definitely increased my appreciation for Kennedy.

And today, oh my heart exploded today.

Let me tell you about this man in my life...

Have you ever been so fluttery and warm and happy inside that your teeth tingled? Have you ever lost your breath at the slightest thought of someone? Have you ever wanted to jump off of something, or run until your insides fell out? This is happening to me. And it's the best feeling I have ever felt.

Today, I told the man in my life that I love him. I have never done this. I have never felt this. I have never wanted something so bad...that was already mine. And I've never been so unafraid knowing that I'm making myself bare of any walls, naturally, seamlessly, with out force, with out influence.

I think he's been wanting to tell me too. Because his reaction made me scream and go limp in his arms for a second.

I sound so fruity, but I can't help this.

IT.FEELS.GOOD.TO.BE.YOUNG.

Summer of 2009

You have been kind to me, far too kind.

The best.

Fox
Jabe
TaySnow
Ace
and even RV

and of course my Adrian.

What to say?

Mine > than yours

Hands down.

We were robbed.

Tamra, Courtney, Fox, my sister, and I were looking at shoes at Valleyfair, sitting around, and chatting casually when my brother called my sister and told her some strangely odd news.

He'd told her that we'd been robbed. Knowing the relationship that my brother and sister have, of course she wouldn't have believed him. So she handed me the phone saying, "Listen to what he's saying. Just listen."

And so I listened. "...we were robbed!"

Me: "What do you mean..."

Him: "Some people robbed our house! Took dad's computer and went through his car."

And so, we were all ...very confused. And very shocked. And very creeped out. Because the duration of when the robbery took place was around the time when Dad and Blithe had just gotten home, and watched TV. Meaning that they we're both home when this all happened, when the two men, wearing dark colors, both Caucasian and/or 'Latino' decided to raid in our garage. What "fucking ballsy mofo's" as Taylor refered to them, considering that it was day time and that the residents were home.

Our ...apparently paranoid neighbors were the pleasant people that reported witnessing the two fuckbags take shit from our garage, reported the police, and informed my father. Unfortunately, a friend of mine Xavier Geddins, decided to pay me a visit around the same time as when the robbery incident occured. And so, my not being home made himself very suspicious. They asked of his name and address, and he should expect an interrogation any time soon. But his descriptions do not match the robbers, and I am very confident that he wouldn't do such a thing.

My parents told me that our neighbors must have been paranoid for quite some time. Because they always report things. Like last summer, when another friend of mine, Joehl Ostil, decided to loiter in front of my house, waiting for me to wake up so he can come in. The neighbors reported him because he obviously made himself look suspicious, wearing a tall black tee, and a black hat. But that incident was completely harmless, and hilarious.

Anyway, mom said that the neighbors might be paranoid because there are always teenage boys coming in and out of our home, and in quote, she thinks that "they might think that they're doing drugs." Of course, that's ridiculous. All my friends stay above the influence, and are all very decent people. It's just strange to me. I never noticed how much people come in and out of my door. The majority of which are males. I suppose..that...would, as a neighbor, have me suspiscious as well? I don't know.

What's important is that everyone is safe. Aside from the now paranoia that has entered my family, we are all fine. I intend on keeping a baseball bat by my bedside now though. The tiny, little knife that I keep...definitely would not match against a robber. Not that this all would ever happen again, but just being cautious now. Oh. And we're no longer having spare keys under the toilet plunge. Fuck that.

I'm slightly paranoid. But disregarding the robbery, I had a rather pleasant day at Santana Row. I forget I like the feeling of being there.

Rik and I are Makayla's and Courtney's right hand men when shopping. I realized that I love shopping for people. I like recommending...and/or even dictating someone what to wear. We were very good at what we did. We accomplished a lot. Courtney will look ahead of the game when she comes back to Walter's as an 8th grader, and well, Makay will look hotter if that's even possible as a senior.

And I'd just like to mention that Makayla has beautiful eyelashes, and eyes! Oh! I'm a generally brown eyes kind of girl, but her eyes! A green circle, with orange exploding in the center. Amazing. My sister and I were watching her from afar. It's very difficult to be envious. We said today that it's difficult being friends with her and Taylor, standing next to them. Because they make us want to kill ourselves. They're lethal together, gorgeous!

This has been a long one.

Tomorrow is the last day of summer.

I love my summer.

Seven Pounds

I finally got around to watching it. It was a nice movie, not too impressive, but nice enough. My heart weighs seven pounds? I could believe that.

Would I ever give my heart to someone? Literally. I think I would, and die? Theoretically, I'm not really in fear of death. It's death. I've thought about death so much that I can imagine more than a hundred ways that I've died in my own thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal. I just think things.

And how sweet would it be when the person tells people, "Yes, she gave me her heart" and meaning it in literally! Bloody sweet, isn't it?

Hmm. What to say.

I was talking to Ace today about the future. We always talk about the future. All of a sudden, I went on this rant about how I wanted my future to go.
I told her:

Okio Ace, I'll marry Adrian, move to France, and then...YES. Yes, that's my plan.

She says something blah blah counter counter.

Then I realized..I should talk to Adrian before I make these plans. Haaaa?

This all is a fictional thought, please reader, realize this. I don't intend on marrying. Until I can say this to someone:

I'll be yours forever. Just tell me when to start.

Straight forward, and to the point. Alright it's an Honorary Title lyric, but still. It matters.

I'm tired. It's night time and I miss the man in my life.

The party that my mother dragged my father and me to had lead me to a sequence of daydreams, all of which had me restless and anxious. I sat for.ev.er.

I thought about sex majority of the time.

Haha.

Bring Me To Life

I really don't like that song. The more I resisted, the more he sang with his artificial feminine, tone deaf voice. It was the worst song to sing to someone.

But I nearly wet myself laughing. And he seemed to enjoy my laughter. He kept calling me a douche. And I don't know why, but I thought it was endearing.

I'm usually an irritable bear in the morning. But I was so happy that I even let him come in my room with his shoes on.

:D

Tay: "Oh no I'm Angie"
Makay: "Too much soap, too much soap"
*The finger"
Ange: "Dad's gonna see this video!
...And I'll get shit for it..."

Since I really can't do this montage thing...
Here's a little clip of the torture Taylor put me through.
"One more time!" AWWWW She's cute!

I felt so sad all of a sudden...

This is why I've been avoiding watching Eternal Sunshine. I just get sad. Really sad. It makes me feel broken. And confused. And lost. And...last winter. Last winter was torture. Last winter was unbelievable. Last winter makes me want to kill myself.

Note to self: Don't watch Eternal Sunshine during the nights.

Meet me in Montauk

Meet...

My newest eyegasm.

Melanie Laurent
Une actrice francaise.

Elle est Shosanna Dreyfus dans la film, Inglourious Basterds
And she is drop dead gorgeous, literally, as Jabe said.

I reread my previous entry, I...LOLed a few times. I didn't realize how strongly emotional I felt yesterday. Aha I'm absolutely fine now. That was my aggression for the summer.

:D?

"It's a birthday gift why not? And I already planned on it...it was the only thing that made sense for me to do" I'm in the strangest state of shock. I feel sick. And queasy. And wrong. And shitty. I can't believe he did that. I can't believe he would. I would wish that he didn't. But this is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me... I felt so sick when I read "The Bottom of the Hill." Oh my..? The Honorary Title? Mine? The only thing I know is mine? I'm..I flabbergasted. I was in the theaters, with my crowd, and I was...freaking out. How was I suppose to accept something like that? How was I supposed to react? I don't expect that kind of ...kindness from anyone. And I received it from the one person that would never hurt me...but I hurt the most. CAN YOU BELIEVE MY DUMBASS SELF? I wanted to throw up. I can't even explain the heavy feeling I carried from then. I was speechless, literally speechless. Even after he called me to further explain things, I stammered for words. I couldn't say thank you because it didn't seem enough. I couldn't reply back because I didn't know what to say. I just know I don't deserve it. But I have it. And I'm so...fucking... I mean why? Augh, why? It's torture really. Like...the perfect payback for the shitty self that I am. But I know it's not like that. He just is...far too fucking nice. I can't take it. It's terrible. I'M TERRIBLE. And I've known...since the beginning of this whole situation that I was going to get shit. For ending things that way. For leaving like I did. For treating him the way I did. And I didn't care. Because why should I? I was pursuing my own happiness. If my friends were going to talk shit about me themselves, then fuck it right? I have my friends that actually took the time to listen to my side, but didn't say one bad thing about him because they knew I didn't want that pity, side-taking shit. I just needed them to know it from my side. Because they're my friends. And I feel so shitty because I can just feel what they're saying about this, about me. The way they see me now. I'm probably the fucking shittiest thing right? I don't know. I'm so upset... It's all blowing up in my face. That that group of friends that I had will not see me the same. Not as long as I live the life I live now, with these people now. And I'm different, you know? I'm so fucking different. I can't go back. I'm not that person anyone. I moved forward, and I didn't look back. Until now... I've known that he'd receive their comfort. I've known that I'd stay away anyway, just to let it cool. I just didn't know that they'd think so lowly of me. And I understand. I'd done the shittiest things. But my friends, right? Yeah, what happened. Unconditional? Well. I don't know. I don't know anymore. I thought I knew. I swear I thought I knew. But right now, I just don't know what to feel, how to feel. About everything. I've been gone all summer. I've been away from them all summer. It's all so fcking different now. Or maybe it's just me. And I'm finally getting the taste of karma. Just maybe. I'm saying...fuck it. Fuck the rest. My friends right now, that even try to be with me and talk to me and just listen and care, they've had me all summer. And I'm keeping them. It's nice to know who's there. Whatever happens now. But this one. This one's for Dean. This thank you won't do me any justice. In fact, I might just end up sounding pathetic and lame. I really want to hate you for doing this. I really want to hate you for a lot of things. I want to believe that you're evil, and selfish, and greedy like the people that have loved me in the past. That only want the satisfaction of their happiness. But you. God damnit. Your pure intentions can kill me. I can't believe that to this day, your concern is my bloody happiness. That you'd go through that trouble. That you'd...ah. What am I supposed to say? And I'm sure it's my bloody birthday present, but fck. Really? We both know how much that band means to me. How much that music means to me. And though I feel like shit for receiving something I don't deserve, bloody...thank you. It's so difficult. Because you're not mean. And you're not cold. And you're not an asshole. And even if you were, I'd understand. But I have never fcking met anyone like you. Is this like your master plan? Have me writhe my insides? DAMN. Good plan. And bloody, you still wanted to be my friend? Really? That was the prime thing that you wanted of me after we ended? The fck! Crazy ass. I don't understand. I don't understand your existence. I don't understand why you're being so nice. And it's bloody stupid. Because it's so natural for us to be friends. And I wish it wasn't. So that it wouldn't be easy. Because I know I don't deserve a friend like you either. What else is stupid? You're a better friend than the friends that I believe were my friends. THIS IS GAY. YOU'RE SO GAY. But ahhhh. I can honestly say. That you have shaped me the most. You are responsible for my now happiness because you led me here. You are the one that I needed to get my act together. And though you're the only person that I've ever hurt like this...you're still the only person that would never hurt me. Fuck everyone else. You made the most insane mark. You're like a badass, first tattoo, you know? You're probably small and simple, but still hurt. And it's like, now I'm moving on to more elaborate tattoos, you know? But you'll still be the one that I show people and say, "Yeah, this was my first one." I'm babbling. I don't know. I sound so bloody absurd. I don't know how I'll repay you for being incredible. But one day, I will. Watch me. Dean Dantes, it's ridiculous. But you're still a phenomena.

HYSTERIC.

"Goodnight. I need you more than I thought and more than you know."

-The best boy. My best boy, Jabe.

The Last House on the Left. Anxiety, tension, and disturbing graphics.

Fox's room is clean. We grocery shopped. Made dinner. Watched this movie. And like always, had a good time.

Good night.

I'VE BEEN ON ALL DAY. ONE DAY IS A LONG DAY OF NOTHING.
GOOD NIGHT WORLD.

If I were an animal, you'd expect me to be a giraffe.
But I'm a wolf.
Yes, me.
WhoElse.

Facebook.

I signed on..after maybe a year or so.

Friend requests are funny. I had an Ugly Truth moment.

Confirm. Confirm. Ignore. Confirm. Ignore. Confirm. Ignore. Who the fck? Confirm. Ignore. Fcking ignore.

I just don't get Facebook. I don't know what to do. I don't know what it wants from me. I don't know what to do with myself. And I have the least bit of intent on doing anything at all. It just isn't appealing.

I caught my ma trying to find me on facebook. THIS NEEDS TO STOP.

Facebook is like my views on Tumblr. Too much. Too needy.

Blogspot is just for me. Solitary and low maintenance. Even the classic Myspace is getting needy. IM's and whatnot? I think the internet is just generally...too much for me. I mean, I am dead on AIM. Signing on is like a miraculous news for my Buddies. Laugh.

But even if it's not for me, Tumblr is interesting sometimes. There are some interesting people. The ones that are strangers to me. I like looking at the FuckYeah(enterwordhere).tumblr's. Fcking make me laugh. And I think the only Tumblr that has ever really got me is Foxxx.tumblr.com (aha, it's still gets strange that her url is how I refer to my bestfriend)
Well, she's an old classmate from CCMS. I don't know how I found this. I don't know if I even did. I think my sister did, at random. But I laugh when I browse there. Laugh out loud.

Sigh.
Blogger, we've been together for nearly two years. I like you.

This is Rik's new amusement.




And this is us being constructive with her amusement.




FCKYEAH.
WE LOVE MAMA

Meet Craig Owens of Chiodos
Amazing
Face
Voice
Mmm.

Warped!

I still haven't showered. I'm sore like a vegetable. And all I dream of when I sleep is the crowd and everything of the day before.

The lack of sleep.
The inevitable Vneck for the show.
The SilverSpeedShark.
The Mountain View traffic.
The calf-working walks.
The Maine.
The people-watching.
The Less than Jake.
The sweaty, shoving, nearly fainting for, and amazing Chiodos.
The NOS.
The expensive food.
The FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKCANCER tanktop.
The We The Kings for Ace.
The stepping on gum constantly.
The spitting constantly.
The more NOS.
The watching moshpits.
The Meg and Dia.
The finding that I'm more attracted to Meg now than Dia.
The lawn-laying.
The pink backpack that Tay carries to shows.
The sandals that Fox and Rik wore.
The dying of their feet.
The anticipation for A Skylit Drive.
The dancing with 3OH!3
The running to see A Skylit.
The disappointment of A Skylit.
The coming back to 3OH!3 to dance the end of the night.
The crowd jumping, hands and hairs flailing, and the sweat at end of the night.
The long walk to 711.
The HiChews, Dr. Peppers, Squirts, and Shark Gummies.
The talking shit about fat, scene girls with leopard/colored skinnes.
The unwinding on Fox's couch.
The coming home to my literally food-empty house.
The calling Jabe to bring us food (what an angel).
The early sleeping of Tay, always.
And the talk with Fox that lasted till 5 in the morning.

We kept talking about how there is now nothing to look forward to. It seemed accurate, but I'm keeping myself optimistic. I'm having fun. And I'm really, I am really living it up.

Thanks to Fox, Tay, Ace, Kenneth, Brandon, Rik, Tam, and the music. Always the music. Fck, I can't write anything creative? It all was just good to me. And I miss it terribly already.

Today,

Well actually, for days now, my sister has been crying left and right. Her best friend just moved to Florida today. She keeps asking me, "Have you ever been this sad? When you just start crying out of nowhere..."

Her emotional breakdowns are hard to watch. It's true, it is out of nowhere. Chen was with us today. And we'd share some laughs and have a good time, but one little moment of silence can bring her to tears. And the lame thing on my part is that I never know what to say. I never say anything actually. I just sit next to her, in front of her, around her. It's strange to feel helpless.

When I think about it, it makes me want to cry too. I think of if Fox moved away, or Jabe. And just the thought alone almost misted my eyes, aha. In fact, I'd gotten so into my thoughts that I found myself drowning in a fictional sadness. I even texted Fox telling her not to leave me for Florida. She promised me she never would. And that eased me.

Well, I just kept saying in my head, "She needs warped she needs warped..."

She'll be happy tomorrow. It'll be the best day tomorrow.

WARPED !

I am in intense anticipation to be at Shoreline again. I'd missed that place. It was good to me. And now, though I am having the most difficult time figuring out what to wear, well...I just don't care. You always were... You always weeeeeere.. So good to me.

Chiodos
A Skylit Drive
Meg and Dia
And more more more.

FCKYEAHWARPED

Second Chances

I'd just opened the windows wide, the curtains flowing slightly. It's a warm chill tonight, like most nights I've been having. It's quiet outside. Even the cars driving by are quiet cars. When I hear silences like this, I think of the dark of the morning that we shared...

I laugh to myself when I think how I actually awoke that early morning. I was sweating next to Makayla on her couch, and my phone went berserk. I knew it was him. He was waking me up. Right when I heard his voice, I wanted to tell him that I was on my way. But I mumbled every word that I was thinking. And so he ...hung up on me. Immediately, I fell back asleep.

He called back after several seconds. This time I woke up in surprise, my eyes snapped wide. I even woke Fox next to me. He told me I kept mumbling. He was on his way. With my smokey smelling hair and clothes, I went to the bathroom to try to fix what I can. I stared at the mirror, realized that I really couldn't do anything, grabbed something warm, and walked out the door.

From then it was 5something, chilly and very dark. I was practically running. These mammoth-sized moths in the pit of my stomach overwhelmed my pace. Just a few nervous laughs to myself and I was there, breathing heavy and smiling wide. I looked up at him. He smelled fresh. Like morning shower, clean and manly. I buried my face on his chest. Nothing could go wrong, I thought.

He whispered through my hair how much he missed me.

Light shivers and his sturdy arms led us to the blacktop. Birds feeding and cawing, fighting and flying. A few joggers circled the track. But we sat with the dark, the sun just at the very edges. Orange was seeping, and we were breathing. I remember his teeth, white and bare in the dark. He kept smiling, and I knew I was the same.

The ground was uncomfortable, the birds had me jumpy, and the cold was colder. He couldn't stop smiling at me, and I couldn't stop fiddling with his hand. I always remember that smell. Like it was the first time I'd ever known that smell.

His face was warm, considering the cold of my hands. His hair getting long, he said. But I thought he looked right. I memorized the shape of his eyebrows and the forms of his eyes. I nudged his shoulders with my forehead, like a puppy I thought. I wanted to feel every part of him. He calmed me when I surged excitement on myself. His voice sounded like everything was in place.

We talked till the sun made us squint. 3 hours passed, and I didn't want to leave.

I remember kissing him goodbye. Strangest kiss I have ever had in my life. In. my. life. Because his lips tasted sweet. Not sugary sweet. Just...inexplicably sweet. And I tasted every part of it. It took me half an hour to actually walk away and leave.

"I'll see you whenever..." I whispered to him.

I walked back with my shadow in front of me, and I could feel my self smiling uncontrollably. The entire walk back to the house...I was smiling. I felt that the people in their cars passing by thought me more than just strange.

I told my friends, "I just had the best morning of my life."

And since then, I haven't been the same.

PS. The beginning is always so sweet to me. But I can't wait for the chaos, if ever.

One of my favorite feel good movies. Thanks to NJ to remind me. I've watched it so many times, in so many places, in so many ways (aha what), and I'd never gotten sick of it.

Jude Law. Mmm.

"Hey Ange, we're not just summer friends right?"

When she asked me this, I almost died. It was endearing, adoring, and too sweet. Tore my witto heart into witto shreds.

I said to her, You're my best! Remember this!

Every Day is a Busy Day

Even my rest day, today, was a busy day. I had visitors coming from left to right. And in thought this should be irritating due to the fact that I haven't had rest since summer school ended, literally. But it was really nice. First visitor; Name: Adrian Rey Del Fierro Age: Who knows. Occupation: My baby carrier Details: He arrived at 11 with out calling me beforehand. Surprise visits are my favorite. I just heard the doorbell rang, and felt it would be him. I called him. He picked up, laughed, and said he was in my living room. I love mornings when I get to see him. He then left to be with his friends. Second visitor; Name: Dean Reese Dantes Age: Who knows. Occupation: 'Let's be friends' kind of friend Details: He came from the movies, watching Time Traveler's Wife by himself. He fell asleep during the beginning, and was supposedly very confused through the rest of the movie though thinking that it was still cute. First time we actually planned a friendly get-together. Third visitor; Name: Jose Antonio Romano Batacan (I love saying his full name) Age: Legal. Occupation: My best boy/care taker Details: He's here every day, what is there really to say? The whole time that he was here, Dean, him and I sat on my porch while he convinced Dean to practice with him. They threw a few punches. Dean really didn't want to, so I guess he hurt his wrist. He didn't change his clothes from the day before. Fourth/Fifth/Sixth visitors; Names: Fernan S. Caasi, Xavier Malcolm Geddins, Alfonso Santiago Hernandez Ages: Who cares. Occupations: The Ferna, homeboy you know, ex-boyfriendlol Details: They all came from Costco. I missed them. I don't know what else. Sixth visitor; Name: Ryan Pascua Ramos Age: Iono. Occupation: My wingman's boy/my guitar player. Details: Ferna picked him up. I don't know what else either because when they all got here, Dean and I took a walk. And when we came back, they were all gone. So Dean just walked home. Sigh, I miss them again. Seventh visitor; Name: Joyce Eliana Keokham Age: Little baby. Occupation: FSU Details: She texted me saying how she was sorry for being late, asking if everyone was still here. I told her my story of how they all left. She still came nonetheless because she loves me. And cause her mother was being crazy and she had nothing better to do. She and my sister ran. They stole stuff from the streets and the ground. Final visit; Name: Eeeian again. Details: Rik and Ace put him on blast because he had a pudge today. I think he almost cried. But he took it well. Those two are mean bitches together. But I get such good laughs. These days are the best. Tomorrow starts again.

So,

I'm pretty sure that everyone has left blogger. It's pretty cool. It makes me feel like I'm in this big dome where people were bustling around just a few minutes ago, and now, I'm all alone. Looking up and around and saying "helloooooo!" only to hear my voice echo a thousand times. But I don't feel worried. I'd be more like making the "Hm.." face. I am all alone! I'd stop blogging all together now just because no one is here anymore. But I began this whole shibang with out telling anyone of it any way. So, I was all alone from the very beginning. HELLO ME!

Down af

My hair still smells like Fox's firepit night. Why does that smell insist on lingering around all of us? Every time Fox comes over, she still smells like smoked bacon. Apparently, her whole house still smells of it. I have one bag from that makes me room smell like it, and Noyc's whole dirty hamper smells like it. IT'S INESCAPABLE. For now. What a lovely night it was, ha. 8-16 Today, the family and I headed to SF to the California Academy of Sciences. The place was cool! The aquatic area was adventurous! I kept asking where Ponyo was. Electric eels, Pig-nosed turtles, Albino alligators, neon-colored feesh, and jellyfeesh! It was all quite lovely. The big dome of rainforest felt like being in the Philippines again. Humid, and greeeeen. The park was lovely aussi. I very much enjoy people watching. I found this cozy bench by a fancy statue in front of King Tut's museum, and I just sat there thoughtfully, wondering about my surroundings. I hated being interrupted from my thoughts. Blithe was of course an issue. There's just not good brother day with him. King Tut's museum made me remember how much I love museums. I loved everything about it. The right feel of the lighting. The right feel of the wooden floors. The awkward passing-by strangers. The guessing what exactly it was they thought of a certain piece as I watch them think. Or if they were really thinking at all, just pretending like how I often do. Visually delighted was enough for me, I don't bother to think much of anything. The ride home was chilly, far too chilly. Every time I'd tell my dad to turn down the AC, he'd turn it down. Then when he thought I dozed off, he'd turn it back up, and I'd wake up cold and frustrated. The final highlight of my day was Fox coming over for a movie night. She brought for us Zodiac. And instead of our original spaghetti night, we decided to make pancakes instead. And by we I mean Noyc cooking. JB called, and he wanted to spring me a visit aussi. He surprised me by bringing along Ace with him, and I was glad to see the both of them. I'd missed Ace very much. Good pancakes, fun movie, 5 people in one couch, and my falling asleep on top of all of them because I was just that tired. I had another great day. The best days. PS. I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you [:

Ponyo loves Sosuke !
x3!

The best.

I have always known that I have down ass friends. Even if I haven't been putting a lot of effort in spending time with them, when I call them up to come over, they're always there. When I text them to see whassap, they always remember to tell me they miss me. They don't make me feel like a fag for being away all the time. They don't make me feel like I don't belong anymore. When I'm there with them, it's unconditional. I think of all people, Ace is the one that keeps me pulled in the most. She's the one that gets me to miss the group the most. She makes me wants to set up get-togethers and plan trips to places. When for a second I hesitated to not have an End of the Summer Picnic, she was my main concern, and knowing her kept me from making such a foolish decision. Ace is the best.