1 part stable, 2 parts sprung

My chest is swollen.

I am both devastated and elated. Things feel eerily fine right now.

But I am also very suddenly aware of this overwhelming desire to be a better person.

ss rough

I didn't know I was looking for someone who will massage me in return just so I can know their hands.

Red lights flashing.

ss rough

I didn't know I was looking for someone who will massage me in return just so I can know their hands.

Red lights flashing.

ss squeak toy

Third straight morning like this.

My bed is spotted with puppy piss because I keep her cuddled here while I'm dead to the world.

I puked in my trash can then topped it with dog shit.

I'm tired and disoriented and flattered by all the fucked up shit I've been encountering.

You can rest all your pretty little heads on my shoulder and I'll categorize based on scents of your hair.

I can see you can't stop staring.

1 of 2 favorite existence

This is the other thing that keeps me up at night.

ss black out

Woke up with bloody, bruised knuckles and a faint memory of calling out a name

I feel like a teenager tryna spew out about being a teenager.

I spent an entire morning on the phone, dribbling, and letting my dog bite open the wounds on my fingers. She licked off the blood while I professed why I can't think straight. I confessed why I can't sleep at night. And I lied about having regrets that I don't have.

I could've sworn that I swore this off. This is fucking typical.

Kitten the piglet demon monster

My best friend, confidant, partner in play, and nap buddy. 

center bind

there's no comfort like writing on the two pages of the center of a journal. like unloading piss when you've reached a toilet. kind of like that. maybe.

will get squished like an insect

willingly

I get terrified at the thought of my youthful years, my younger years, when alcohol never existed to me. How did I manage these one-on-one dinners with people? How did I manage to converse? How the hell did I manage building friendships and do I want to do that again? I'm panicking.

i get anxious when novels are beyond this size because i know it won't fit my small ass back pocket.

I'M REVOLTING AGAINST THESE SMALL ASS GIRL POCKETS.

ss vile

Currently getting destroyed by my first hopeless, straight girl crush.

There's this cool, sick, pathetic hollowing happening inside me. Like a chill excavation that I'm watching as I sit on my couch; my feet up on the coffee table and my hands clasped behind my head. So this is what hopeless, merciless disappointment feels like.

How could I wear this blank expression so hungrily?

ss pals

very well

ss guap duty

I'd just like to take this moment to admit that I love everyone at my work. I'd like to be adopted by my newfound Vietnamese family. I would like to be engulfed so much so that the traces of my being Filipino gets washed away and I am born anew. On second thought, I will never wash away being Filipino. I can't complain too much. However, I'd still like to be able to understand what everyone is saying, instead of numbing myself at the thought of hearing just sounds. I learned one word though. Just one. One 3-letter word. Take a guess.

I'm fuckin surrounded

I'm noticing this idiot pattern where guys will more likely respect a girl if they've got a boyfriend. Key word is more likely. And by respect, I mean "be hella wet about." Humans are weird bruh. We will never even come close to being as great as sea otters.

Can't tell when I've stopped comparing myself or my life to anybody's. Can't tell how I'd brushed off some gargoyles off my shoulders. Can't tell where I'd gone the passed few months and how I can now manage to surface up. I feel kind of sunny even when I'm low. I feel kind of pleasant even when I can hear it whisper. I didn't realize how cavernous and malicious it had been until I'd gotten my first breaths back. I'm still probably choking, but at least the wringing has loosened.

I am not, and never will be, obligated to have a thirst for life. Neither am I obligated to love life. I am here and that's the best I intend to offer or display; my aimless, erratic, and unintended presence.

ss alternatives

I never thought I'd have to be anxious or concerned about accidentally having wet dreams on someone else's bed.

Never thought I'd become obsessed with annoying someone and watching their eyes roll.

However

I have lately been laughing till my sides are sore.

I have also had swarms inside me for days on.

The former and the latter have no relation
-wake up on the verge of coming
-watch eyes rollback
-cry and drool
-was that a moan?

drunk me, unapologetically

-gets weird
-hits on everybody's girlfriends
-excessively compliments
-excessively talks mad shit
-inquires about everybody's well-being/comfort level while simultaneously making everybody uncomfortable
-"these fucking assholes..." points at general group of people
-picks up Scottish accent
-slurs in French
-swallows dignity/self-respect for the sake of uncontrollable and chaotic freedom of speech
-is an aggressive feminist/lgbtqa warrior
-is apologetic but also persists to be a douche
-rich until the well runs dry
-pukes in your luggage the day before your departure
-creates bizarre call log
-seeks life advice while simultaneously giving one
-airs out insecurities
-hits on everybody's girlfriends
-hits on self
-puts arm around the nearest available shoulders
-loopy and emotional
-loves to hold hands
-what about college?
-dies