Monday, June 7, 2010
EXPLOSIONS ! in the Sky...
Slow Dance
Today I realized that I've got a lot of love to give. More love than I could walk around with on a daily basis. I wake up every bloody day with out a purpose and I do as I do because I'm supposed to. And I tell myself I haven't got but an emptiness. But really, I can love so much that it could kill me. I know this much.
I'd forgotten that I am so very capable of loving someone with everything that I have. I have once before. But now I'm scared and a coward. I just don't want to give my love away to anyone. I want it to be right. And right now, it's telling me to give it to someone who I know doesn't love me, probably never loved me, and never will. But right now, I can't choose who I love. I just do. It's painful really. Because now, I've got to walk around with this heavy heart and these tearing aches. All I can do now is wait. Wait till someone that I'll care more about will come around. And that's the only way I could stop loving the person I love. Until then, I've got to be patient.
I just want to love someone, with out fear, with out holding back, with out the scars and bitterness that I hold from a love that has shattered me before. A friend of mine said, "Not everyone is as judgmental as you think." And the statement startled me. Because I care so much. And I am so aware. I've become over-protective of myself.
All I know is... if I can't be patient, then I won't make it out of this. I have gotten out of it before, I can do it again. Just because this love right now is unrequited, doesn't mean the next one will be too.
I'm feeling hopeful today.
I'd forgotten that I am so very capable of loving someone with everything that I have. I have once before. But now I'm scared and a coward. I just don't want to give my love away to anyone. I want it to be right. And right now, it's telling me to give it to someone who I know doesn't love me, probably never loved me, and never will. But right now, I can't choose who I love. I just do. It's painful really. Because now, I've got to walk around with this heavy heart and these tearing aches. All I can do now is wait. Wait till someone that I'll care more about will come around. And that's the only way I could stop loving the person I love. Until then, I've got to be patient.
I just want to love someone, with out fear, with out holding back, with out the scars and bitterness that I hold from a love that has shattered me before. A friend of mine said, "Not everyone is as judgmental as you think." And the statement startled me. Because I care so much. And I am so aware. I've become over-protective of myself.
All I know is... if I can't be patient, then I won't make it out of this. I have gotten out of it before, I can do it again. Just because this love right now is unrequited, doesn't mean the next one will be too.
I'm feeling hopeful today.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Lizzie Mcguire
Marathon, every night. Since I finished Skins.
I have to admit. She looks GOOD here. If Lizzie Mcguire wasn't embedded in my head so much, Hilary Duff would be something else for me. Like in the movie Greta. Her trying to be a badass just wasn't convincing. Though I did enjoy the movie.
Ok Ok, BFD '10
1. We didn't get to go, because it was too late. And now we're a bunch of sorry asses.
2. No Subsonic tent.
2. No Subsonic tent.
3. But Warped is right around the corner. It won't be the same because Warped music is shit. But... Oh sigh.
Letters; Day 3 - Your Parents
Dear Ma and Pa,
It's clear that there is no one else in the face of this planet that I have let down more than the both of you. For as long as I can remember, I've been doing everything you've told me not to. I swayed away from your words, always. And the amazing parents that you are, you two were always so patient. You've come to accept who I am as a person and that I'll always do things differently that what you can imagine or expect. To this day, you don't make me feel like a speck for being who I am. You two have never pushed me into doing something I didn't want to. You let me make my mistakes and learn from them.
I'm not like my sister of course. I'll never be the studious one that'll bring you home those straight A's. And that's the aspect that I always felt I've really let you down on. Because I know that there is absolutely no one else around me that has it better than I do. I've got everything I could ask for from you. We may not talk a lot. I may not share a lot of things. I may keep to myself, but I always know that I've really got the best.
One day, I will do something amazing. Something that you'll be proud of. I'll be someone. And I know, even if right now I've yet to really accomplish anything at all, I know for a fact that you're proud to have me as your daughter. I know that you tell your friends about me regardless all my bullshit. I'm still your offspring after all.
I don't know mom and dad. 18 years and with such little words, I've learned a lot from the both of you. Thank you for being the two most amazing people I will ever ever EVER meet in my entire life. I could never ask for anything more. I love you both, very very very much.
I'm not like my sister of course. I'll never be the studious one that'll bring you home those straight A's. And that's the aspect that I always felt I've really let you down on. Because I know that there is absolutely no one else around me that has it better than I do. I've got everything I could ask for from you. We may not talk a lot. I may not share a lot of things. I may keep to myself, but I always know that I've really got the best.
One day, I will do something amazing. Something that you'll be proud of. I'll be someone. And I know, even if right now I've yet to really accomplish anything at all, I know for a fact that you're proud to have me as your daughter. I know that you tell your friends about me regardless all my bullshit. I'm still your offspring after all.
I don't know mom and dad. 18 years and with such little words, I've learned a lot from the both of you. Thank you for being the two most amazing people I will ever ever EVER meet in my entire life. I could never ask for anything more. I love you both, very very very much.
Sincerely,
Tweet.
Tweet.
Late nights
1. I hate when I'm so hungry that I swallow my food too soon.
2. Why was late night television so much better when I was younger?
3. Why did I have my own TV when I was in 5th grade, but not anymore?
4. Why don't we have cable even in the living room?
5. Late night snacking... I almost end up regretting it.
6. Late night conversations aren't as good.
7. Just tired all the time.
8. LATE NIGHTS.
2. Why was late night television so much better when I was younger?
3. Why did I have my own TV when I was in 5th grade, but not anymore?
4. Why don't we have cable even in the living room?
5. Late night snacking... I almost end up regretting it.
6. Late night conversations aren't as good.
7. Just tired all the time.
8. LATE NIGHTS.
Letters; Day 2 - Your Crush
Since I forgot to do the other one yesterday, I'll do this one right......NOW.
And I don't think I've got a crush. At all. How about someone I look up to? Good deal.
Dear Michy,
There's zero chance you'll ever see this. Ever. But here goes.
And I don't think I've got a crush. At all. How about someone I look up to? Good deal.
Dear Michy,
There's zero chance you'll ever see this. Ever. But here goes.
In sophomore year, I remember getting to know you. It was completely simple and natural and I didn't have to pick words to say to you, ever. You made it easy for me to open up to you, and so, you became one of the best confidants I've ever had. I talked to you about almost anything, didn't I?
I remember telling about my broken heart and you told me about yours and daily, every morning, we'd talk and laugh and sometimes cry (I think) and we helped each other through out our pain. Since then, I'd always looked up to you. Till this day, whenever I'd come across something difficult, something that's hurt me, something wrong, you're still one of the first people to pop in my head. Not to solve my problems or anything, but just to talk to.
It's not the fact that you're a good listener. Or that you're a good advice giver (which you are both), but it's just the fact that you made me feel like...it was ok. No matter what. You understood with out trying to understand. You just did. And it's comforting. I'm glad to have had someone like you, especially when I'd needed you. I'll always be thankful.
I remember telling about my broken heart and you told me about yours and daily, every morning, we'd talk and laugh and sometimes cry (I think) and we helped each other through out our pain. Since then, I'd always looked up to you. Till this day, whenever I'd come across something difficult, something that's hurt me, something wrong, you're still one of the first people to pop in my head. Not to solve my problems or anything, but just to talk to.
It's not the fact that you're a good listener. Or that you're a good advice giver (which you are both), but it's just the fact that you made me feel like...it was ok. No matter what. You understood with out trying to understand. You just did. And it's comforting. I'm glad to have had someone like you, especially when I'd needed you. I'll always be thankful.
Sincerely,
Ange.
Ange.
Letters; Day 1 - Your Bestfriend
Dear Makayla Danielle,
No one else ever deliberately hurts my feelings more than you can. Sometimes, I just want to dissolve and disappear. Just kidding. Kind of. But as terrible as we could be to each other, the attitudes, the bitchassness, the relentless bickering and disagreements, it's nice to have you to come home to.
We're not as innocent and blissful as we were the summer we became bestfriends, and it sucks. It really really does. But things change and right now, the only thing that really matters is that despite it all, regardless the bull shit we put each other through, you're still here. And if some future, some distant future we fall apart, then just know that it's been infinitely amazing with you. Always remember that. We'd chosen happiness together before.
There are many things we're probably never going to understand about us. But that's alright. Right now, you have me and I have you. That's as much as we can ask for.
And fuck it I'm sorry for this seeming so melodramatic and all.
I guess it's just...I know that you already know that I'm crazy about you, yenno? There's not much for me to say. I'm out of any new words.
We're not as innocent and blissful as we were the summer we became bestfriends, and it sucks. It really really does. But things change and right now, the only thing that really matters is that despite it all, regardless the bull shit we put each other through, you're still here. And if some future, some distant future we fall apart, then just know that it's been infinitely amazing with you. Always remember that. We'd chosen happiness together before.
There are many things we're probably never going to understand about us. But that's alright. Right now, you have me and I have you. That's as much as we can ask for.
And fuck it I'm sorry for this seeming so melodramatic and all.
I guess it's just...I know that you already know that I'm crazy about you, yenno? There's not much for me to say. I'm out of any new words.
Sincerely,
Ange.
Ange.
PS. Je t'aime. Toujours.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
A Materialistic List
1. A longboard. Preferably this one. A friend and I used to skate all over Fremont, but we never did tricks...because that shit's scary. So longboarding sounds terrif. Slaloming, riding, yenno. Remember? It felt good.
2. Canon EOS REBEL XS - digital version of my SLR. Film isn't that convenient, yenno? I love film I do, I promise. But it's time I have a dslr on my adventures.
2. Canon EOS REBEL XS - digital version of my SLR. Film isn't that convenient, yenno? I love film I do, I promise. But it's time I have a dslr on my adventures.
3. Conga drums - because Ace and I always said I need one.
4. A tambourine - just something I have to have...
5. A new dreamcatcher - I took mine down probably a year ago, and I miss looking up at something before I sleep.
This is what I mean...
"...it scared the shit out of me because you were the one person that could ruin my life. I pushed you away. I made you think things were all your fault. But really I was just terrified of pain.
...But I couldn't stand... I didn't want to be a slave to how I feel about you.
And it's so horrible. Because really, I'd die for you. I love you. I love you so much it's killing me..."
Everyone blends together.
Every night,
I have the same routine of thoughts.
I think about the same people. The ones I've hurt the most. The ones who have hurt me the most. The ones that have loved me, have tried for me. And the only ones that I've ever really let in. And as the night gets later and my eyes blink heavier, everyone blends together and sometimes fall under the same category. At some point, you've loved me. And I've done something, anything horribly wrong to lose it all.
There have been several moments in my life when I've had everything I could possibly need. I've reached the peak of my completion and happiness. But I've also put my money where my mouth is, and I've been stupid. And it all slips away.
I am the reason of my own unhappiness. I put myself in situations where I have to grope for life, to feel something impossible, to ask for something that's never to be mine. And I never open my eyes enough to see that it'll all be alright even with out me trying so hard.
I try so hard to keep myself from being myself. The more I try to be someone I'm not just so I wouldn't have to accept the shit that I'm supposed to accept, the more I lose myself. And I lose the people that come along with myself.
I had it all. I fucking had it all.
Everyday, you're one step further away from me. The only thing that I can't bear even thinking about...
And I don't think you'll ever get that.
There have been several moments in my life when I've had everything I could possibly need. I've reached the peak of my completion and happiness. But I've also put my money where my mouth is, and I've been stupid. And it all slips away.
I am the reason of my own unhappiness. I put myself in situations where I have to grope for life, to feel something impossible, to ask for something that's never to be mine. And I never open my eyes enough to see that it'll all be alright even with out me trying so hard.
I try so hard to keep myself from being myself. The more I try to be someone I'm not just so I wouldn't have to accept the shit that I'm supposed to accept, the more I lose myself. And I lose the people that come along with myself.
I had it all. I fucking had it all.
Everyday, you're one step further away from me. The only thing that I can't bear even thinking about...
And I don't think you'll ever get that.
Guess what I found on Chief's Tumblr
Something that seems like I may just finish.
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
Friday, June 4, 2010
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUU
Fck this, I eat cereal instead.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
No BFD, btw.
With Warped so close to it and with its inconvenient time, let's just do Warped. Yeah?
Subsonic tent would've been brilliant though.
Subsonic tent would've been brilliant though.
Hello,
I've turned to baking. I bake and bake and I never really eat my creations. Last week, I made the World's Most Revolting Brownies. And they're still on the counter, hardening and bonding with the other kitchen appliances.
Textsfromlastnight,
Taylor's; the four messages that's pushing me, turning me around. With out these, I probably still wouldn't give too much of a fuck about anything.
1. Ange, you’re totally hurting me. Everyone knows you’re going out of control and it’s not because of last night. Honestly, you need to cut the crap because my best friend is ANGERICA ANDRADE, not this person taking her place. You’ve been acting completely out of character and I’m not sure I want to put up with it much longer as much as it hurts me to say.
2. ANGE YOU’RE NOT THIS FUCKING PERSON. STOP MAKING EXCUSES. Cut the crap and just be yourself again. You’re frustrating the hell out of me… It’s like you’re thinking you’re hella tough because you’ve been getting drunk, but then you pull shit like last night and it just make you look pathetic. Amazing down to earth always has my back Ange- pathetic? Never in a million years did I think I’d see the day. You threw away Adrian, after stomping all over him. You’re toying with Jabe… And do you know what it was like for me last night to get that call? My stomach sank ange. My heart broke. And now I find out you’re smoking too? This is all bullshit behavior that’s not you. I’m never selfish- but right now I;m going to be selfish as hell and I’m going to get back Ange even if I have to drag you back. I cried today because of you today Ange because I miss you and because you’ve been acting so immaturely. Just be your fucking self. Be mature. Stop trying to “grow up” so fast, because this isn’t growing up at all. Do it for me and prove to me that this friendship means anything to you because it means the world to me.
3. You’re so much better than this ange. YOU NEED TO FEEL. That’s what I’ve been telling you since we first met., Feeel and it’s all a ;ot easier to deal with. Just use self control. Stop yourself when youre faced with something out of character. That’s the only way to remain you. Trust me. I’ll be here to help you every step.
4. I've been telling you for over a year now Ange, pleading for you to feel. To just let go and be vulnerable. It hurts and it sucks like hell but I promise on my life that once you get over the initial pain it'll all be worth it and every single one of your relationships with everyone will change for the better and you'll be able to be yourself. And it will be ok. It will. I promise this. I'll make sure it's ok.
It all hurt, but it's everything that I've been needing for as long as I can remember.
2. ANGE YOU’RE NOT THIS FUCKING PERSON. STOP MAKING EXCUSES. Cut the crap and just be yourself again. You’re frustrating the hell out of me… It’s like you’re thinking you’re hella tough because you’ve been getting drunk, but then you pull shit like last night and it just make you look pathetic. Amazing down to earth always has my back Ange- pathetic? Never in a million years did I think I’d see the day. You threw away Adrian, after stomping all over him. You’re toying with Jabe… And do you know what it was like for me last night to get that call? My stomach sank ange. My heart broke. And now I find out you’re smoking too? This is all bullshit behavior that’s not you. I’m never selfish- but right now I;m going to be selfish as hell and I’m going to get back Ange even if I have to drag you back. I cried today because of you today Ange because I miss you and because you’ve been acting so immaturely. Just be your fucking self. Be mature. Stop trying to “grow up” so fast, because this isn’t growing up at all. Do it for me and prove to me that this friendship means anything to you because it means the world to me.
3. You’re so much better than this ange. YOU NEED TO FEEL. That’s what I’ve been telling you since we first met., Feeel and it’s all a ;ot easier to deal with. Just use self control. Stop yourself when youre faced with something out of character. That’s the only way to remain you. Trust me. I’ll be here to help you every step.
4. I've been telling you for over a year now Ange, pleading for you to feel. To just let go and be vulnerable. It hurts and it sucks like hell but I promise on my life that once you get over the initial pain it'll all be worth it and every single one of your relationships with everyone will change for the better and you'll be able to be yourself. And it will be ok. It will. I promise this. I'll make sure it's ok.
It all hurt, but it's everything that I've been needing for as long as I can remember.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Dear World,
Or anyone reading?
I've got a lot of things to do. A lot of things to fix. A lot of things to work on. It's gonna take a lot of patience. A lot of work. A lot of time. But a few friends are helping me with the process.
I've disappointed just about everyone, yeah? I've got a handful of consequences and handful of responsibilities. But I'll be ok with it, promise. I've really messed up.
I'm not going to be able to change things or turn back. But I'm also not going to say fuck it. I refuse to just move on from this. Because I could, as easily as I have with many things before. But it'll just be another reference. It'll just be another stupid thing I did that I didn't swallow and let sink.
This time, I'm gonna take it. I'm gonna be a fucking man and I'm gonna take in every single thing that happened. Everything single thing that I did. I'm gonna face consequences with out running away from it. I won't say fuck it, I promise.
I owe a few of my friends to be better. I promised Taylor that. I need to prove to her that our friendship means the world to me like she told me it means the world to her. And I'll always thank her for turning things around for me. Txtsfromlastnight, Tay version. And of course Makayla. She'll blow up on my face, act like we're about to fight, tell me things that I won't grasp, and we'll fight, and we'll yell, and at first it'll sound like we're giving up, but in the end, she just gets to tell me how I can't keep my legs closed, and we'll laugh like we always do. And NJ, even if she's completely far away. And with her morals chillin' in there, she still refuses to believe that I'm a fucked up person. That I just fuck up a whooole lot. And even Joyce who wants to kill me. I'll receive the most heat from her, but it's helping me along the way.
I promised you, I promised I'll be better.
Another situation you put yourself Ange. Fuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh, aha. This lesson is being learned.
I've disappointed just about everyone, yeah? I've got a handful of consequences and handful of responsibilities. But I'll be ok with it, promise. I've really messed up.
I'm not going to be able to change things or turn back. But I'm also not going to say fuck it. I refuse to just move on from this. Because I could, as easily as I have with many things before. But it'll just be another reference. It'll just be another stupid thing I did that I didn't swallow and let sink.
This time, I'm gonna take it. I'm gonna be a fucking man and I'm gonna take in every single thing that happened. Everything single thing that I did. I'm gonna face consequences with out running away from it. I won't say fuck it, I promise.
I owe a few of my friends to be better. I promised Taylor that. I need to prove to her that our friendship means the world to me like she told me it means the world to her. And I'll always thank her for turning things around for me. Txtsfromlastnight, Tay version. And of course Makayla. She'll blow up on my face, act like we're about to fight, tell me things that I won't grasp, and we'll fight, and we'll yell, and at first it'll sound like we're giving up, but in the end, she just gets to tell me how I can't keep my legs closed, and we'll laugh like we always do. And NJ, even if she's completely far away. And with her morals chillin' in there, she still refuses to believe that I'm a fucked up person. That I just fuck up a whooole lot. And even Joyce who wants to kill me. I'll receive the most heat from her, but it's helping me along the way.
I promised you, I promised I'll be better.
Another situation you put yourself Ange. Fuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh, aha. This lesson is being learned.
-W.
PS. Always leaving me, with the mess and all, yeah? Aha sighh.
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