It Was Because Of A $10 Bill But I'm Glad I'm Passed That Now

Last night, I called him back as I was falling into the deep of my sleep. Amusingly and sweetly, as we talked, he told me how many miles there are from here to the Philippines. I told him I wanted to know this, I just didn't know he'd really search it and tell me a precise answer.

Now I know how far we'll be away from each other. And as hysterical as I was when he told me, I felt so sad. Thousands is too much.

I remember how much I loved the Philippines when I came back there. I hope he still loves me more :D

Listen to me whine. It's still nearly 2 months away till he leaves. But I dread every day that we get closer to it.

PS. I'm preparing myself for a zombie attack. Never know when those suckers come down to town and eat my flesh.. or yours..

It's 3:39pm

It's infuriatingly hot, and finding out that tetris is no longer on my computer just adds on to my already angry afternoon.

I want Dr. Pepper.

500 Days of Summer

I love this. So much.

Shaved Ice and Naked Heat

This will sound strange coming from me, knowing me, because I am me but...

I don't want the heat anymore. I want the cold, brisk on my finger tips, and all around us. Summer is over. It's been over. I accepted that it's over because it was just that good. But I'm ready for the cold. I'm ready for autumn to be here, then the holidays, and wrap me around winter. I'm ready for a new winter, with this new love. I will stay passed the past because I don't love the past as much as I love the present anymore, or even the future.

Today was hot, too hot. Why did it have to be so hot? I didn't enjoy a second of the sun. I didn't soak myself in its glory like I would.

Yesterday as the sun set outside my window I yelled, "SUMMER'S OVER!!!!!!!!!!" And I know that it is, so why does it have to get so damn hot all of a sudden?

Aha I'm annoyed at myself that I'm always so concerned about the weather. It makes me feel old, golden years kind of old. But I've always been this old. Aha, I've been anticipating my retirement years for as far as I can remember now.

Summer is over, and I want the cold now. My life suddenly completes me. You suddenly complete me. I feel different, and I will keep moving forward.

You've Got Everything Now - The Smiths

I keep laying on my bed, on this warm weather, with some songs that sound cold, and with completely different smells around me, I find myself torn. I feel old, and new, and the same, all at the same time.

I don't feel sad. I just feel out of sorts. Like I'd spent the last days sleeping with out shifting or twitching at all. And had dreamt of nothing but a cold, sweaty black that somehow taunts me once I'd opened my eyes.

And when I open my eyes, I'm struck by the bright green that I thought I'd gotten used to, but this time, I feel like a stranger in my own quarters. So I try to focus on the lyrics of what ever song is playing at the moment, and this afternoon, well this afternoon, All of our friends were here but they all have gone home. I can't grasp this.

To top it all and excluding the migraines that won't let me be, I tried vanquishing a swirl of rainbow sugar with my front teeth while switching from book to book to book, because I really just want to finish them. I confused the nearly-illiterate, suicidal, anti-capitalist bum with a serial killer that died a fantastic death. Maybe that's just my problem, ever since I read the book The Seven Days of Peter Crumb, I'd been obsessed with murders or deathly concepts and sick ways of being, characters that wrap at the sides of my brain and stay beneath my skin until I can fall asleep.

I'm giggling to myself now. I love weekends.

Time's tide will smother you.

I Anticipate Sleep Time Because I Sleep So At Peace

I remember this time last year. It was hot too, and it sounded like The Strokes. I'm doing so well, and so busy, and so happy that I never even found the time to mop my wood floors or finish storing up my hoodies from the laundry bin.

I have a stack of books that I'm all reading simultaneously, and it all does get confusing. I convince myself I'm reading one thing, when I'm reading the other. And I confuse details. Never a cute moment for my cranium. But I'm enjoying my time.

Yesterday, we went to our Senior Picnic. I had such a good time. It wasn't a completely...complete moment, but I felt happy. It felt like Great America in the 8th grade. Fox, Kim, Henry, and I became one cozy group of girls. And I forget how much I love Kim, but I love her so. And Fox, well, she's very flexible when it comes to company, very versatile. She's like JB. She blends well, mixes well, and I don't have to worry. And Henry, he returned my DVD to me with out the DVD inside the case. I was upset to find that out tonight.

I didn't bring a camera with me so unfortunately I have no images to display and keep. I didn't get to spend as much time with my darling as I thought I would because we both have our set of friends, and it all just isn't as easy with time. But he's so good, so good. He doesn't make me feel excessively flawed. Just..a little bit, the average, ha.

I fell asleep at 8pm last night on my couch. I fell asleep thinking that I was still sliding down one of the tunnel tubes, or trying to survive in the wave pool. When I woke up at 10pm, I found myself alone in the living room darkness, and I dragged my arse to bed to call the man in my life. But I fell asleep after he hung on me saying he'll call back in 5 minutes. I was just that damn tired.

And today, well today was good. Jennifer's Body is a shitful of shit of a movie, but I enjoyed watching it. She's not even that hot. I just envy her body, rah!

Oh and at the end of it all, Tami drove a thousand miles per hour, with our windows rolled down, and the best of the best is thumping out of the speakers. But this time, not only did I have Fox in front of me again, with her hair flailing, but I look to my left, and I had Ian there looking at me with those warm brown eyes saying I love you.

I could just die.

This is what the world is for...
Making electricity !

Wingman,

We'll cover your tracks.

"I hope she has the time of her life."

PS

I don't know why, but every time someone calls me Ange...
Just ...Ange ...you know?

I get excessively and thoroughly happy.

One of the many, little things in life.

Petit Copain

Je vous presente Adrian Del Fierro.
Il m'aime et je l'aime.
C'est tout.

Maybe I'll Update You

I've been really busy with choir. We watched that movie too many times now. Tina Fey is just so entertaining.

As of this very moment, I'm still thinking of the rainy days coming our way. I'm listening to Death Cab because they always sound like cold. And they're achey and remind me of some things... But like always, I'm just too happy. Life is too joyous, you know?

Since school began, time has been winding us around. I have no classes. I have Art, then Ceramics. Both of which are less dull than I'd imagined. I thought that school would give me a more convenient time with Fox, but I was wrong. This weekend was our first best friend time since school. She has Kenneth, and I have Adrian, and there's always everything else in between. But the weekend was well, and so will everything else be.

Adrian is incredible, did you know? I don't feel crazy when I'm with him. I don't want to fight, I don't want to control, I don't want to do anything that gets in the way of any time I can have with him. He's like my college boy. He always has something to do, always his priorities to keep.

I was afraid that he'd graduate early, but he chose not to. He doesn't want to miss out on our last months together. I love him, you know? I was afraid of when he goes to the Philippines this November. I was afraid that things would change, and he'd change, and that he'd love the Philippines more, and would really stay there. He might go to college there. He might attend a university there because it'll be cheaper. And I'm so worried of that. But he's reassuring me, and our love is keeping me so sane. I'm cherishing everything, every single second we have.

Mm, this entry has taken a different turn. I shouldn't think too much about this. This means I need to shower this off now.

Why You'd Want to Live Here

All of a Sudden...

Everything changed.

You make me wanna...

I Was a Kaleidoscope, You Know?

I always disliked going to family parties on my mother's side. It saddens me, bores me, makes me miss the family that gives me sincere attention, the ones that are far away.

But the best part about my day, excluding the morning waking up to Fox on my left and Ace on my right, is the rain. I've been having prayers for rain, believe it or not. And I'd missed it terribly. When I looked out the tinted glass window tonight and saw the wet parking lot getting wetter, I welled up inside, tingled inside, and fell into my happiness. First thing I did was step outside to smell the air. When that relieved my longing, I called the man in my life. Disappointed that he didn't answer, I sat there on a chair with the party a faint sound behind me, my palms under my chin and my head out with the rain.

I love nights like this. All I thought about was being under my covers, in his clothes, wrapped up in all that I adore.

I love this. I love us. Autumn is coming. And winter, oh winter. Sounds like...

PS.

"I want us," he said to me.

And I wanted to cry right then.

I don't want him to leave.

Yesterday

RV had the best birthday she's ever had. All thanks to the love of the greatest friends.

Kim, Fox, Ace, and her best friend, Chen.

Chen did a good job. We all felt a sense of envy when we saw what she'd done. Chen, a good best friend.

I'd post a picture...but photobucket and/or tinypic is damned.

And it was a good night, such a good night. It was infinite, you know? Warm and dark, and the moon was MIA, but it was the best nonetheless.

The best.

Rude Awakening

The devastation of my newly digested news is trying to drag me down. It's mean, and tempting, and semi-persuasive. But it's nice, I find this silence that empties me just for a second.

I won't be able to see them this weekend, like I've been hoping for in months. And this sadness will go on, and on, every time I hear them or even think of it. I think I'll stay away for a while.

But it's nice, because I have my own silence now. A silence that couldn't hurt a fly. This silence though, it's being broken by... my sister singing Air Supply songs recorded on our voicemail. If you were here with me, you'd laugh too.

And it will always be good.

It's the Room, the Sun, and the Sky

I've been waiting for this moment all my life

I don't know why I've found a new affinity for this. I've known it for so long. I guess I just never gave it a chance. It's like taking a second look at someone and realizing something you should've realized before.

I've nothing profound to say. So I'll let my music consume me.

The Question

"Imagine a future moment in your life where all your dreams come true. You know, it's the greatest moment of your life and you get to experience it with one person. Who's standing next to you?"

-PS

ADF.

My best friends like you so much, all of them. They always tell me how fond they are of you, and how good you are. And I tell them how quickly I'd fallen in love with you. They like you so much, aha, and I can't ask for more.

Best friends and you = HYSTERIC!

...Suddenly complete me.

I feel so alive, you know?

The Best

Jabe and Fox

On the first day of school, I told my friends I want to collect 50 sneezing pictures. Yesterday, I captured a yawning picture of this bad cat and decided that instead, I'll collect 100 sneezing/yawning pictures. Isn't he so ugly that it's cute? :D?


She was so wasted! Jabe was passed out somewhere over there.


I love I love. Best friends.

"Petals"

I didn't realize before that I was afraid of falling in love. Simply afraid. Why the hell would I let some idiot, any idiot have ultimate power to break me, and hurt me, or leave me? This summer treated me so well...that I'm saying fuck it, fuck the rest. I ain't scareda nothin'! Pain ain't shit! I've come out alive before, what should I be afraid of now? Nothing! I've spent way too much time being afraid, and ducking down, and bricking up a wall, around me, and not saying what I want to say, and making up unbelievable excuses, and putting 50% of myself out there. I've got the raw material, the goods, the best. This time around, I'm giving 100%. I've learned my lesson. I'm ready for the consequences. So here I am World! WhoElse?

:D

"...a speech is required aussi... I'm so nervous, because I want mine to be the best, most heartfelt speech she hears, as selfish as that sounds. Actually, I just want to outshine everyone but Makayla, I think Makayla has earned first place, though besides that, the urge to "win" is eating away at me. Especially when it is mildly academic like this. Oh, I hope it makes her cry... with joy."

Aha, Taylor Ann Hoover-Hart, I love you, I do.

The best makes me sigh in satisfaction, and smile a quiet smile that lets me shine.

The First Day of School

And I'd just gotten home after a long day of being in and out of the heat. I must say, even with my classes boring me to my skull, I absolutely enjoyed the first day. I was able to have everyone again, and see them, and talk to them whenever I pleased.

Being a senior isn't as significant of a feeling as I...expected. But it certainly feels comforting being at Kennedy again. My time spent at Washington has definitely increased my appreciation for Kennedy.

And today, oh my heart exploded today.

Let me tell you about this man in my life...

Have you ever been so fluttery and warm and happy inside that your teeth tingled? Have you ever lost your breath at the slightest thought of someone? Have you ever wanted to jump off of something, or run until your insides fell out? This is happening to me. And it's the best feeling I have ever felt.

Today, I told the man in my life that I love him. I have never done this. I have never felt this. I have never wanted something so bad...that was already mine. And I've never been so unafraid knowing that I'm making myself bare of any walls, naturally, seamlessly, with out force, with out influence.

I think he's been wanting to tell me too. Because his reaction made me scream and go limp in his arms for a second.

I sound so fruity, but I can't help this.

IT.FEELS.GOOD.TO.BE.YOUNG.

Summer of 2009

You have been kind to me, far too kind.

The best.

Fox
Jabe
TaySnow
Ace
and even RV

and of course my Adrian.

What to say?

Mine > than yours

Hands down.

We were robbed.

Tamra, Courtney, Fox, my sister, and I were looking at shoes at Valleyfair, sitting around, and chatting casually when my brother called my sister and told her some strangely odd news.

He'd told her that we'd been robbed. Knowing the relationship that my brother and sister have, of course she wouldn't have believed him. So she handed me the phone saying, "Listen to what he's saying. Just listen."

And so I listened. "...we were robbed!"

Me: "What do you mean..."

Him: "Some people robbed our house! Took dad's computer and went through his car."

And so, we were all ...very confused. And very shocked. And very creeped out. Because the duration of when the robbery took place was around the time when Dad and Blithe had just gotten home, and watched TV. Meaning that they we're both home when this all happened, when the two men, wearing dark colors, both Caucasian and/or 'Latino' decided to raid in our garage. What "fucking ballsy mofo's" as Taylor refered to them, considering that it was day time and that the residents were home.

Our ...apparently paranoid neighbors were the pleasant people that reported witnessing the two fuckbags take shit from our garage, reported the police, and informed my father. Unfortunately, a friend of mine Xavier Geddins, decided to pay me a visit around the same time as when the robbery incident occured. And so, my not being home made himself very suspicious. They asked of his name and address, and he should expect an interrogation any time soon. But his descriptions do not match the robbers, and I am very confident that he wouldn't do such a thing.

My parents told me that our neighbors must have been paranoid for quite some time. Because they always report things. Like last summer, when another friend of mine, Joehl Ostil, decided to loiter in front of my house, waiting for me to wake up so he can come in. The neighbors reported him because he obviously made himself look suspicious, wearing a tall black tee, and a black hat. But that incident was completely harmless, and hilarious.

Anyway, mom said that the neighbors might be paranoid because there are always teenage boys coming in and out of our home, and in quote, she thinks that "they might think that they're doing drugs." Of course, that's ridiculous. All my friends stay above the influence, and are all very decent people. It's just strange to me. I never noticed how much people come in and out of my door. The majority of which are males. I suppose..that...would, as a neighbor, have me suspiscious as well? I don't know.

What's important is that everyone is safe. Aside from the now paranoia that has entered my family, we are all fine. I intend on keeping a baseball bat by my bedside now though. The tiny, little knife that I keep...definitely would not match against a robber. Not that this all would ever happen again, but just being cautious now. Oh. And we're no longer having spare keys under the toilet plunge. Fuck that.

I'm slightly paranoid. But disregarding the robbery, I had a rather pleasant day at Santana Row. I forget I like the feeling of being there.

Rik and I are Makayla's and Courtney's right hand men when shopping. I realized that I love shopping for people. I like recommending...and/or even dictating someone what to wear. We were very good at what we did. We accomplished a lot. Courtney will look ahead of the game when she comes back to Walter's as an 8th grader, and well, Makay will look hotter if that's even possible as a senior.

And I'd just like to mention that Makayla has beautiful eyelashes, and eyes! Oh! I'm a generally brown eyes kind of girl, but her eyes! A green circle, with orange exploding in the center. Amazing. My sister and I were watching her from afar. It's very difficult to be envious. We said today that it's difficult being friends with her and Taylor, standing next to them. Because they make us want to kill ourselves. They're lethal together, gorgeous!

This has been a long one.

Tomorrow is the last day of summer.

I love my summer.

Seven Pounds

I finally got around to watching it. It was a nice movie, not too impressive, but nice enough. My heart weighs seven pounds? I could believe that.

Would I ever give my heart to someone? Literally. I think I would, and die? Theoretically, I'm not really in fear of death. It's death. I've thought about death so much that I can imagine more than a hundred ways that I've died in my own thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal. I just think things.

And how sweet would it be when the person tells people, "Yes, she gave me her heart" and meaning it in literally! Bloody sweet, isn't it?

Hmm. What to say.

I was talking to Ace today about the future. We always talk about the future. All of a sudden, I went on this rant about how I wanted my future to go.
I told her:

Okio Ace, I'll marry Adrian, move to France, and then...YES. Yes, that's my plan.

She says something blah blah counter counter.

Then I realized..I should talk to Adrian before I make these plans. Haaaa?

This all is a fictional thought, please reader, realize this. I don't intend on marrying. Until I can say this to someone:

I'll be yours forever. Just tell me when to start.

Straight forward, and to the point. Alright it's an Honorary Title lyric, but still. It matters.

I'm tired. It's night time and I miss the man in my life.

The party that my mother dragged my father and me to had lead me to a sequence of daydreams, all of which had me restless and anxious. I sat for.ev.er.

I thought about sex majority of the time.

Haha.

Bring Me To Life

I really don't like that song. The more I resisted, the more he sang with his artificial feminine, tone deaf voice. It was the worst song to sing to someone.

But I nearly wet myself laughing. And he seemed to enjoy my laughter. He kept calling me a douche. And I don't know why, but I thought it was endearing.

I'm usually an irritable bear in the morning. But I was so happy that I even let him come in my room with his shoes on.

:D

Tay: "Oh no I'm Angie"
Makay: "Too much soap, too much soap"
*The finger"
Ange: "Dad's gonna see this video!
...And I'll get shit for it..."

Since I really can't do this montage thing...
Here's a little clip of the torture Taylor put me through.
"One more time!" AWWWW She's cute!

I felt so sad all of a sudden...

This is why I've been avoiding watching Eternal Sunshine. I just get sad. Really sad. It makes me feel broken. And confused. And lost. And...last winter. Last winter was torture. Last winter was unbelievable. Last winter makes me want to kill myself.

Note to self: Don't watch Eternal Sunshine during the nights.

Meet me in Montauk

Meet...

My newest eyegasm.

Melanie Laurent
Une actrice francaise.

Elle est Shosanna Dreyfus dans la film, Inglourious Basterds
And she is drop dead gorgeous, literally, as Jabe said.

I reread my previous entry, I...LOLed a few times. I didn't realize how strongly emotional I felt yesterday. Aha I'm absolutely fine now. That was my aggression for the summer.

:D?

"It's a birthday gift why not? And I already planned on it...it was the only thing that made sense for me to do" I'm in the strangest state of shock. I feel sick. And queasy. And wrong. And shitty. I can't believe he did that. I can't believe he would. I would wish that he didn't. But this is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me... I felt so sick when I read "The Bottom of the Hill." Oh my..? The Honorary Title? Mine? The only thing I know is mine? I'm..I flabbergasted. I was in the theaters, with my crowd, and I was...freaking out. How was I suppose to accept something like that? How was I supposed to react? I don't expect that kind of ...kindness from anyone. And I received it from the one person that would never hurt me...but I hurt the most. CAN YOU BELIEVE MY DUMBASS SELF? I wanted to throw up. I can't even explain the heavy feeling I carried from then. I was speechless, literally speechless. Even after he called me to further explain things, I stammered for words. I couldn't say thank you because it didn't seem enough. I couldn't reply back because I didn't know what to say. I just know I don't deserve it. But I have it. And I'm so...fucking... I mean why? Augh, why? It's torture really. Like...the perfect payback for the shitty self that I am. But I know it's not like that. He just is...far too fucking nice. I can't take it. It's terrible. I'M TERRIBLE. And I've known...since the beginning of this whole situation that I was going to get shit. For ending things that way. For leaving like I did. For treating him the way I did. And I didn't care. Because why should I? I was pursuing my own happiness. If my friends were going to talk shit about me themselves, then fuck it right? I have my friends that actually took the time to listen to my side, but didn't say one bad thing about him because they knew I didn't want that pity, side-taking shit. I just needed them to know it from my side. Because they're my friends. And I feel so shitty because I can just feel what they're saying about this, about me. The way they see me now. I'm probably the fucking shittiest thing right? I don't know. I'm so upset... It's all blowing up in my face. That that group of friends that I had will not see me the same. Not as long as I live the life I live now, with these people now. And I'm different, you know? I'm so fucking different. I can't go back. I'm not that person anyone. I moved forward, and I didn't look back. Until now... I've known that he'd receive their comfort. I've known that I'd stay away anyway, just to let it cool. I just didn't know that they'd think so lowly of me. And I understand. I'd done the shittiest things. But my friends, right? Yeah, what happened. Unconditional? Well. I don't know. I don't know anymore. I thought I knew. I swear I thought I knew. But right now, I just don't know what to feel, how to feel. About everything. I've been gone all summer. I've been away from them all summer. It's all so fcking different now. Or maybe it's just me. And I'm finally getting the taste of karma. Just maybe. I'm saying...fuck it. Fuck the rest. My friends right now, that even try to be with me and talk to me and just listen and care, they've had me all summer. And I'm keeping them. It's nice to know who's there. Whatever happens now. But this one. This one's for Dean. This thank you won't do me any justice. In fact, I might just end up sounding pathetic and lame. I really want to hate you for doing this. I really want to hate you for a lot of things. I want to believe that you're evil, and selfish, and greedy like the people that have loved me in the past. That only want the satisfaction of their happiness. But you. God damnit. Your pure intentions can kill me. I can't believe that to this day, your concern is my bloody happiness. That you'd go through that trouble. That you'd...ah. What am I supposed to say? And I'm sure it's my bloody birthday present, but fck. Really? We both know how much that band means to me. How much that music means to me. And though I feel like shit for receiving something I don't deserve, bloody...thank you. It's so difficult. Because you're not mean. And you're not cold. And you're not an asshole. And even if you were, I'd understand. But I have never fcking met anyone like you. Is this like your master plan? Have me writhe my insides? DAMN. Good plan. And bloody, you still wanted to be my friend? Really? That was the prime thing that you wanted of me after we ended? The fck! Crazy ass. I don't understand. I don't understand your existence. I don't understand why you're being so nice. And it's bloody stupid. Because it's so natural for us to be friends. And I wish it wasn't. So that it wouldn't be easy. Because I know I don't deserve a friend like you either. What else is stupid? You're a better friend than the friends that I believe were my friends. THIS IS GAY. YOU'RE SO GAY. But ahhhh. I can honestly say. That you have shaped me the most. You are responsible for my now happiness because you led me here. You are the one that I needed to get my act together. And though you're the only person that I've ever hurt like this...you're still the only person that would never hurt me. Fuck everyone else. You made the most insane mark. You're like a badass, first tattoo, you know? You're probably small and simple, but still hurt. And it's like, now I'm moving on to more elaborate tattoos, you know? But you'll still be the one that I show people and say, "Yeah, this was my first one." I'm babbling. I don't know. I sound so bloody absurd. I don't know how I'll repay you for being incredible. But one day, I will. Watch me. Dean Dantes, it's ridiculous. But you're still a phenomena.

HYSTERIC.

"Goodnight. I need you more than I thought and more than you know."

-The best boy. My best boy, Jabe.

The Last House on the Left. Anxiety, tension, and disturbing graphics.

Fox's room is clean. We grocery shopped. Made dinner. Watched this movie. And like always, had a good time.

Good night.

I'VE BEEN ON ALL DAY. ONE DAY IS A LONG DAY OF NOTHING.
GOOD NIGHT WORLD.

If I were an animal, you'd expect me to be a giraffe.
But I'm a wolf.
Yes, me.
WhoElse.

Facebook.

I signed on..after maybe a year or so.

Friend requests are funny. I had an Ugly Truth moment.

Confirm. Confirm. Ignore. Confirm. Ignore. Confirm. Ignore. Who the fck? Confirm. Ignore. Fcking ignore.

I just don't get Facebook. I don't know what to do. I don't know what it wants from me. I don't know what to do with myself. And I have the least bit of intent on doing anything at all. It just isn't appealing.

I caught my ma trying to find me on facebook. THIS NEEDS TO STOP.

Facebook is like my views on Tumblr. Too much. Too needy.

Blogspot is just for me. Solitary and low maintenance. Even the classic Myspace is getting needy. IM's and whatnot? I think the internet is just generally...too much for me. I mean, I am dead on AIM. Signing on is like a miraculous news for my Buddies. Laugh.

But even if it's not for me, Tumblr is interesting sometimes. There are some interesting people. The ones that are strangers to me. I like looking at the FuckYeah(enterwordhere).tumblr's. Fcking make me laugh. And I think the only Tumblr that has ever really got me is Foxxx.tumblr.com (aha, it's still gets strange that her url is how I refer to my bestfriend)
Well, she's an old classmate from CCMS. I don't know how I found this. I don't know if I even did. I think my sister did, at random. But I laugh when I browse there. Laugh out loud.

Sigh.
Blogger, we've been together for nearly two years. I like you.

This is Rik's new amusement.




And this is us being constructive with her amusement.




FCKYEAH.
WE LOVE MAMA

Meet Craig Owens of Chiodos
Amazing
Face
Voice
Mmm.

Warped!

I still haven't showered. I'm sore like a vegetable. And all I dream of when I sleep is the crowd and everything of the day before.

The lack of sleep.
The inevitable Vneck for the show.
The SilverSpeedShark.
The Mountain View traffic.
The calf-working walks.
The Maine.
The people-watching.
The Less than Jake.
The sweaty, shoving, nearly fainting for, and amazing Chiodos.
The NOS.
The expensive food.
The FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKCANCER tanktop.
The We The Kings for Ace.
The stepping on gum constantly.
The spitting constantly.
The more NOS.
The watching moshpits.
The Meg and Dia.
The finding that I'm more attracted to Meg now than Dia.
The lawn-laying.
The pink backpack that Tay carries to shows.
The sandals that Fox and Rik wore.
The dying of their feet.
The anticipation for A Skylit Drive.
The dancing with 3OH!3
The running to see A Skylit.
The disappointment of A Skylit.
The coming back to 3OH!3 to dance the end of the night.
The crowd jumping, hands and hairs flailing, and the sweat at end of the night.
The long walk to 711.
The HiChews, Dr. Peppers, Squirts, and Shark Gummies.
The talking shit about fat, scene girls with leopard/colored skinnes.
The unwinding on Fox's couch.
The coming home to my literally food-empty house.
The calling Jabe to bring us food (what an angel).
The early sleeping of Tay, always.
And the talk with Fox that lasted till 5 in the morning.

We kept talking about how there is now nothing to look forward to. It seemed accurate, but I'm keeping myself optimistic. I'm having fun. And I'm really, I am really living it up.

Thanks to Fox, Tay, Ace, Kenneth, Brandon, Rik, Tam, and the music. Always the music. Fck, I can't write anything creative? It all was just good to me. And I miss it terribly already.

Today,

Well actually, for days now, my sister has been crying left and right. Her best friend just moved to Florida today. She keeps asking me, "Have you ever been this sad? When you just start crying out of nowhere..."

Her emotional breakdowns are hard to watch. It's true, it is out of nowhere. Chen was with us today. And we'd share some laughs and have a good time, but one little moment of silence can bring her to tears. And the lame thing on my part is that I never know what to say. I never say anything actually. I just sit next to her, in front of her, around her. It's strange to feel helpless.

When I think about it, it makes me want to cry too. I think of if Fox moved away, or Jabe. And just the thought alone almost misted my eyes, aha. In fact, I'd gotten so into my thoughts that I found myself drowning in a fictional sadness. I even texted Fox telling her not to leave me for Florida. She promised me she never would. And that eased me.

Well, I just kept saying in my head, "She needs warped she needs warped..."

She'll be happy tomorrow. It'll be the best day tomorrow.

WARPED !

I am in intense anticipation to be at Shoreline again. I'd missed that place. It was good to me. And now, though I am having the most difficult time figuring out what to wear, well...I just don't care. You always were... You always weeeeeere.. So good to me.

Chiodos
A Skylit Drive
Meg and Dia
And more more more.

FCKYEAHWARPED

Second Chances

I'd just opened the windows wide, the curtains flowing slightly. It's a warm chill tonight, like most nights I've been having. It's quiet outside. Even the cars driving by are quiet cars. When I hear silences like this, I think of the dark of the morning that we shared...

I laugh to myself when I think how I actually awoke that early morning. I was sweating next to Makayla on her couch, and my phone went berserk. I knew it was him. He was waking me up. Right when I heard his voice, I wanted to tell him that I was on my way. But I mumbled every word that I was thinking. And so he ...hung up on me. Immediately, I fell back asleep.

He called back after several seconds. This time I woke up in surprise, my eyes snapped wide. I even woke Fox next to me. He told me I kept mumbling. He was on his way. With my smokey smelling hair and clothes, I went to the bathroom to try to fix what I can. I stared at the mirror, realized that I really couldn't do anything, grabbed something warm, and walked out the door.

From then it was 5something, chilly and very dark. I was practically running. These mammoth-sized moths in the pit of my stomach overwhelmed my pace. Just a few nervous laughs to myself and I was there, breathing heavy and smiling wide. I looked up at him. He smelled fresh. Like morning shower, clean and manly. I buried my face on his chest. Nothing could go wrong, I thought.

He whispered through my hair how much he missed me.

Light shivers and his sturdy arms led us to the blacktop. Birds feeding and cawing, fighting and flying. A few joggers circled the track. But we sat with the dark, the sun just at the very edges. Orange was seeping, and we were breathing. I remember his teeth, white and bare in the dark. He kept smiling, and I knew I was the same.

The ground was uncomfortable, the birds had me jumpy, and the cold was colder. He couldn't stop smiling at me, and I couldn't stop fiddling with his hand. I always remember that smell. Like it was the first time I'd ever known that smell.

His face was warm, considering the cold of my hands. His hair getting long, he said. But I thought he looked right. I memorized the shape of his eyebrows and the forms of his eyes. I nudged his shoulders with my forehead, like a puppy I thought. I wanted to feel every part of him. He calmed me when I surged excitement on myself. His voice sounded like everything was in place.

We talked till the sun made us squint. 3 hours passed, and I didn't want to leave.

I remember kissing him goodbye. Strangest kiss I have ever had in my life. In. my. life. Because his lips tasted sweet. Not sugary sweet. Just...inexplicably sweet. And I tasted every part of it. It took me half an hour to actually walk away and leave.

"I'll see you whenever..." I whispered to him.

I walked back with my shadow in front of me, and I could feel my self smiling uncontrollably. The entire walk back to the house...I was smiling. I felt that the people in their cars passing by thought me more than just strange.

I told my friends, "I just had the best morning of my life."

And since then, I haven't been the same.

PS. The beginning is always so sweet to me. But I can't wait for the chaos, if ever.

One of my favorite feel good movies. Thanks to NJ to remind me. I've watched it so many times, in so many places, in so many ways (aha what), and I'd never gotten sick of it.

Jude Law. Mmm.

"Hey Ange, we're not just summer friends right?"

When she asked me this, I almost died. It was endearing, adoring, and too sweet. Tore my witto heart into witto shreds.

I said to her, You're my best! Remember this!

Every Day is a Busy Day

Even my rest day, today, was a busy day. I had visitors coming from left to right. And in thought this should be irritating due to the fact that I haven't had rest since summer school ended, literally. But it was really nice. First visitor; Name: Adrian Rey Del Fierro Age: Who knows. Occupation: My baby carrier Details: He arrived at 11 with out calling me beforehand. Surprise visits are my favorite. I just heard the doorbell rang, and felt it would be him. I called him. He picked up, laughed, and said he was in my living room. I love mornings when I get to see him. He then left to be with his friends. Second visitor; Name: Dean Reese Dantes Age: Who knows. Occupation: 'Let's be friends' kind of friend Details: He came from the movies, watching Time Traveler's Wife by himself. He fell asleep during the beginning, and was supposedly very confused through the rest of the movie though thinking that it was still cute. First time we actually planned a friendly get-together. Third visitor; Name: Jose Antonio Romano Batacan (I love saying his full name) Age: Legal. Occupation: My best boy/care taker Details: He's here every day, what is there really to say? The whole time that he was here, Dean, him and I sat on my porch while he convinced Dean to practice with him. They threw a few punches. Dean really didn't want to, so I guess he hurt his wrist. He didn't change his clothes from the day before. Fourth/Fifth/Sixth visitors; Names: Fernan S. Caasi, Xavier Malcolm Geddins, Alfonso Santiago Hernandez Ages: Who cares. Occupations: The Ferna, homeboy you know, ex-boyfriendlol Details: They all came from Costco. I missed them. I don't know what else. Sixth visitor; Name: Ryan Pascua Ramos Age: Iono. Occupation: My wingman's boy/my guitar player. Details: Ferna picked him up. I don't know what else either because when they all got here, Dean and I took a walk. And when we came back, they were all gone. So Dean just walked home. Sigh, I miss them again. Seventh visitor; Name: Joyce Eliana Keokham Age: Little baby. Occupation: FSU Details: She texted me saying how she was sorry for being late, asking if everyone was still here. I told her my story of how they all left. She still came nonetheless because she loves me. And cause her mother was being crazy and she had nothing better to do. She and my sister ran. They stole stuff from the streets and the ground. Final visit; Name: Eeeian again. Details: Rik and Ace put him on blast because he had a pudge today. I think he almost cried. But he took it well. Those two are mean bitches together. But I get such good laughs. These days are the best. Tomorrow starts again.

So,

I'm pretty sure that everyone has left blogger. It's pretty cool. It makes me feel like I'm in this big dome where people were bustling around just a few minutes ago, and now, I'm all alone. Looking up and around and saying "helloooooo!" only to hear my voice echo a thousand times. But I don't feel worried. I'd be more like making the "Hm.." face. I am all alone! I'd stop blogging all together now just because no one is here anymore. But I began this whole shibang with out telling anyone of it any way. So, I was all alone from the very beginning. HELLO ME!

Down af

My hair still smells like Fox's firepit night. Why does that smell insist on lingering around all of us? Every time Fox comes over, she still smells like smoked bacon. Apparently, her whole house still smells of it. I have one bag from that makes me room smell like it, and Noyc's whole dirty hamper smells like it. IT'S INESCAPABLE. For now. What a lovely night it was, ha. 8-16 Today, the family and I headed to SF to the California Academy of Sciences. The place was cool! The aquatic area was adventurous! I kept asking where Ponyo was. Electric eels, Pig-nosed turtles, Albino alligators, neon-colored feesh, and jellyfeesh! It was all quite lovely. The big dome of rainforest felt like being in the Philippines again. Humid, and greeeeen. The park was lovely aussi. I very much enjoy people watching. I found this cozy bench by a fancy statue in front of King Tut's museum, and I just sat there thoughtfully, wondering about my surroundings. I hated being interrupted from my thoughts. Blithe was of course an issue. There's just not good brother day with him. King Tut's museum made me remember how much I love museums. I loved everything about it. The right feel of the lighting. The right feel of the wooden floors. The awkward passing-by strangers. The guessing what exactly it was they thought of a certain piece as I watch them think. Or if they were really thinking at all, just pretending like how I often do. Visually delighted was enough for me, I don't bother to think much of anything. The ride home was chilly, far too chilly. Every time I'd tell my dad to turn down the AC, he'd turn it down. Then when he thought I dozed off, he'd turn it back up, and I'd wake up cold and frustrated. The final highlight of my day was Fox coming over for a movie night. She brought for us Zodiac. And instead of our original spaghetti night, we decided to make pancakes instead. And by we I mean Noyc cooking. JB called, and he wanted to spring me a visit aussi. He surprised me by bringing along Ace with him, and I was glad to see the both of them. I'd missed Ace very much. Good pancakes, fun movie, 5 people in one couch, and my falling asleep on top of all of them because I was just that tired. I had another great day. The best days. PS. I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you [:

Ponyo loves Sosuke !
x3!

The best.

I have always known that I have down ass friends. Even if I haven't been putting a lot of effort in spending time with them, when I call them up to come over, they're always there. When I text them to see whassap, they always remember to tell me they miss me. They don't make me feel like a fag for being away all the time. They don't make me feel like I don't belong anymore. When I'm there with them, it's unconditional. I think of all people, Ace is the one that keeps me pulled in the most. She's the one that gets me to miss the group the most. She makes me wants to set up get-togethers and plan trips to places. When for a second I hesitated to not have an End of the Summer Picnic, she was my main concern, and knowing her kept me from making such a foolish decision. Ace is the best.

I washed my hair 3 times and it still smells of last night. Camp-firey, woody, and smokey.

The firepit.
The burning marshmallows coal black then giving it away.
The filling up on Dr. Pepper.
The scattering of candles, Buddha, lanterns, and lights.
The ribs because of Rik.
The force-feeding of broccoli and tomatoes just for Tay.
The Apples to Apples when Tom Cruise is chewy.
The rainbow hat.
The Ipod.
The Chubby Bunny and spitting 'em out.
The Tami running around being everyone's mama.
The Fox's jumpiness from the fire.
The dancing to Yeah Yeah Yeah's.
The singing along to The Strokes.
The laughing till our spleens split.
The crashing on the couch watching Pineapple.
The blankets, the pillows, the bare legs and feet atop altogether.
The waking up at 3 something to find that the boys left.
The waking up at 5 something to be with Ian.
The staying awake, sitting on gravel, and watching the sun rise while the birds laughed behind us.
The W.W.J.D.
The light shivers.
The eyes closed.
The day came in.
And
The realization that everything is at peace. I'm in peace. With out a single regret. And I walked back in peace, an insane grin smeared across my face, to my friends snoring lightly next to me.

The best.

I Just Had...

The two greatest days.

Capay Valley consisted of constant, outrageous feuds with Blithe, food aggravations, and the sweet goodness of swimming on a hot day. Like I said, Capay Valley is always good to me.

Rick and I have this serious cursing problem. A few days ago before we left, she received the most skin-crawling lecture because she said the F word to Papa. Aha ahhhh it was hilarious! It was on the dinner table too! I was biting my tongue so hard not to laugh. And it looked like she was about to dissolve...or burst into laughing tears or something.

So underwater, we played the middle finger game; (game when both participants must do different poses underwater with their middle finger[s] ) LOL.

And well, I made a video! It's the first montage video I have ever made, with a great song. I just wanted to do a test run because I want to do a montage for Fox's beach day tomorrow. It'll be great! I can only hope, aha.

Being back in Fremont always felt good, especially when the heat is at present like this. Makes me tingle inside, in this very creepy way.

Well, I'm excited for tomorrow.

PS. I missed you.

Happy birthday Foxx3 !

You're at far away Tahoe right now, and I terribly miss you. I'm only minutes away from leaving town, and by the time I get back here, you'll be back too!

I hope you're having a glorious birthday right now. Because you only deserve everything beyond glorious, promise.

I'll see you in 4 days!
-
Ian,

By the time I get back, you'll be back too. I can barely contain myself.


HYSTERIC!

PS. Capay Valley is always good to me.

I just had the most uncomfortable sleep of my life. I tossed and turned more than I can recall. I had no pillows. The wall was pushing at me, and on the other side, an ass sandwiched me against the wall. My phone kept vibrating. And every time I read the texts, it was of something incredibly stupid. My dreams were haunting and irritating. My semi-conscious thoughts were getting lost. I was hot and cold all at the same time. And when I finally decided to wake up... The bed cover decided to eat my hair or something. Because it looked like I shed.

Over all of that, the prior concern that wouldn't let me be was the thought that dragon queen is deciding to say good bye to me. It scares me. It scares me, and relieves me all at the same time.

I kept saying to myself that I think I'm in trouble. I haven't felt so crazy in so long. Literally insane for being so happy and so worried all at the same time. Ever since I watched 500, I'd been finding myself feeling sad. But not because that was accurately how I felt. But because the whole thought and idea of the movie is just sad. And the music, the soundtrack of that movie devastates me. I mope, and I pout, and I pace around my house, wondering why the hell I feel so bloody sad. And at first, I couldn't reach a conclusion because I know that I'm happy. I know that I am at my best. But I swear, the music... It confused the hell out of my core.

Back to my point, Taylor said that this is me being a teenager. That we feel this way, feel this emotional, and feel this infatuated at some point. I'm just so surprised, so astonished. You could, at this point, scrape my jaw off the pavement. She said I had absolutely nothing to worry about. I should just accept it as it is.

"The heart asks pleasure first; and then excuse from pain."

It's just... I didn't think dragon queen was going to leave me any time soon. I didn't think there was anyone as of present that could make dragon queen leave.

I suppose... that if she does depart... Then good riddance?

HA.

I was casually on my couch this evening, watching my parents on the kitchen. There was this sudden eruption of pangs in my chest as I looked at them. They were putting the groceries away, and playfully arguing about "washing the meat." Pa made this face that was meant to taunt Ma, and he laughed at himself for it. Ma rolled her eyes, and they both shared this intimate, secretive, quiet laughter. Like no one else was around them. I immediately knew that I yearned for that.

For quite a while now, I'd been denying the thought of marriage in my life. It's all so ridiculous to me. Binding my life with someone, legally documenting it on paper and ring. I came to this conclusion that I don't intend on marrying.

But when I'm in my house, when I'm with my family, when we're all in public, and they hold hands, share their laughter, and take on the day together, I can't help but want it. I can't help but imagine my life married. Wedding, babies, a home, and all that comes with it.

When I'm out in the world, with my friends, with everyone else that strolls by, I don't want it. I consider it as..."I don't want to get married. I don't to prove my love for someone with a damn ring." That's exactly as how I would go about. Majority of the time, this is my belief. I believe that divorces could cost as much as the wedding. The divorces could happen faster than when a child is born. Divorces are more common around me than strong, bonding of marriage.

And it's sad, because the strength of my parents together should convince me well enough that love exists in this way. Love will find us all, at some point. But it only convinces me for a second or two, and I'm back to my reality.

Nothing is definite, or absolute in our lives. It all changes. If I ever want to marry, I only want to do it once. I don't want to resort to a divorce.

The time that my parents were from is just completely different from the time that we live now. Now, we are generally founded by public displays, titles, sex, and pretentious reassurance. And on that very rare occasion, there will be those two people that love each other beyond the circumstances of our time. But like I said, it's on that very rare occasion. I haven't had a taste of that rare occasion. But if ever I do... my beliefs will be otherwise.

Until I find that someone that will make me think it's possible for me, for us, for this time to marry, and stay married. And live a life with someone, till death do us part, then I'll believe this song...

"Time, time is gone

it stops stops who it was

well i was wrong
it never lasts
there is no
this is no modern romance"

If I ever find something like theirs, then I could never ask for more...

SUMMER SEVEN

The face of evil, you see, is of a woman.

Reality vs. Expectation

"Something I was never sure of with you..."

That's right about when a tear formed.

Taylor wants this song to be played in every big moment of her life. And it's a great song, an amazing song indeed. And I understand that. There's always a certain song that I always hold on to. Except in my case, I have playlists.

I always think of what role I gave music to play in my life. And it's bigger than anything I know. It's utterly masochism. It's the only thing I know that can break me, and make me, and stab a whole bunch of holes in me while simultaneously repairing me. And I always want it, even if it'll hurt me. It's fcking weird man.

You'll understand it when you hear a song and you don't know whether you want to cry, or lay in bed, or run a fcking marathon, or jump off of some height, or ball a fist, or slither, or take your clothes off, or smile like you're on something, or stick your head out of a fast moving vehicle, or hug the hell out of someone, or make out like there's no tomorrow, or sit there and take it.

It makes me ache so much... But this is my favorite kind of pain.

Tell me, what the hell makes YOU ache like that?

Meet... Emma Stone
The girl Ian would potentially leave me for.
If she wasn't so mmm, I'd resent her.

PUPPEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

HYSTERIC!

By far the best movie I have seen all year. In fact, it is head to head with Eternal Sunshine right now. Knocked off Nick and Norah's out of its place. I love it that much. I did. I began crying at some point. I didn't realize I'd take it to heart so much. But I did. And the end was hopelessly satisfying.

I was switching left to right, biting my lip with excitement! Fox and Jabe are my perfect company. And of course Noyc included.

The end of the day; always crash at Fox's. Their house is like a zoo. There's Max, there's Charlie, there's Sis, and there's my potbelly pig (Fox's feet). I had lavender jasmine tea today that tasted like her house. Specifically her hallway that leads to the bedrooms.

This is the summer of the best with the best. We all agreed.

PS. Fate vs. Coincidence

I love Britney Spears, Idc.

"You're not ugly! You're the cutest damn thing in the world!"

Do you really think I'm the cutest damn thing in the world?/:

"Why would I lie? Every time I see you first thing in the morning, I wanna squeeze you! You have nothing to worry about! Promise[: "

S. Foxx3

I HAVE NOTHING TO BLOG ABOUT. NOTHING. EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT I SPENT LIKE AN HOUR WAITING FOR S. FOX TO COME HOME FROM THE DOCTORS WHILE KENNETH AND I LOOKED AT INAPPROPRIATE THINGS ONLINE IN HER KITCHEN.
AND I FOUND THAT I LOVE CHARLIE. I EVEN TOUCHED HIM AND ALMOST LET HIM GNAW ON MY PINKY!

Lizzy Caplan, her real name isn't too attractive. So we'll keep Janis Ian, MEAN GIRLS [:

Love, K.A.T.

We did it!

Tami and Tay picked up the bird today, and we brought it home. Once I was out of summer school, we executed everything perfectly.

"Why is there a bird cage in my house..." She was in shock! Silence and hand over the mouth and all. It was heartwarming...

We named the bird Charlie Wallflower, in remembrance of our favorite book, and the infinite moments.

It's all so ironic. My fear of birds drove me to buy her a bird! She just loves him so much. Ever since the first day she saw the bird at the pet store, she fell in love with it! I watched her from behind the glass doors (in fear of being in a room of birds) adoring him, and I could just see it in her eyes that she didn't want to leave him. She told me the story of Tiki, her past bird. And Charlie was just the perfect birthday present.

Charlie will probably be the exception of my phobia. I touched his claw today... My first step, hella nice!

Love,

Kenny, Angie, Taylor.

We hella like you.

"And if a double-decker bus crashes into us To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die And if a ten ton truck kills the both of us To die by your side Well the pleasure, the privilege is mine

There is a light that never goes out"

Black, the absence of color.

White, the absolute of color.

Ultimately, they do not cancel each other out. One does not lap the other. One cannot dominate in any way.

It is a balance. The perfect completion of the ends and beginnings, and there's always everything in between.

I found this last night. In between the left over heat of the day and the chill of the night.

It's fucking creepy, but I smile like a pug lately.

Well it's a shock, shock
To your soft side
Summer moon...

I enjoy my nights. They've been cold, and wild, and winded. And I miss the heat, I do. But the drags feel so good, and I'm embracing this longing. I'm embracing these music, these people, these arguments, and these fumbles with dreams, reality, and the core of my optimism. And I'm on my toes more than half of the time, but I'd rather keep it that way than let my heels down at all.

The sound is so good.

I enjoy my nights.

This guy! Look at him with the guitar! Bossbossbossbossbossboss...

Puking Flowers

There's a different sense of satisfaction you get when happiness finds you, as to you trying to find happiness. I understood the concept of always choosing happiness, and ever since I heard this speech from my coach, I took the liberty of pursuing a lifestyle like such. I don't know if luck is on my side, or if I am just being prolonged for karma to hit me HARD someday.

But I am the most fortunate person I know. And no matter what happens, no matter which people I lose, which I gain, which clothes I wear, or how I cut my hair. I still end up being very happy at the end of the day.

At the end of the day, I just lay in the dark, and think of everyone. Everyone in my life that I can think of at that moment. I acknowledged how they have impacted me, insignificant or unforgettable, and I remind myself.. how can anyone ask for more? If I had any more than what I have, well it would be excessive, wouldn't it? Or so it feels like it.

And yes I catch myself acting up sometimes, but I can still make mistakes, no matter how fortunate, right?

At the end of the day...

I have won what I can win. The things that matter most. And I am glad to know that I cannot be broken down into severed, unrecognizable little pieces. And no, not because I always put a guard up. But because, it's refreshing and relieving to know that if anyone was to break me, it could only be me. I have learned to give myself that power only, at this moment in my life. And if I find that person again, that person that can break me down, well, I can only imagine how well I'll come out of that hell. Because with this one, I feel damn good.

I don't mean to sound as if I am bragging, because.. well actually I could be. But no, that's not my point. My point is...

I was that girl that cried over every fucking little bad thing that happened to me. I fell to my knees at the small sign of something bad. I was so incredibly weak, and so incredibly spoiled, that no one else could have hated me as much as I hated myself. And I was at it, moping, sulking and skulking around like there was no one else in the world but me. But I left that part of me, somewhere back there. And here I am, taking control, and taking responsibility.

I choose to live completely now. I know, about time right?

It's 4:39pm

I am at home, waiting for time to take me. Do you know what I am about to do? I am going to watch The Ugly Truth again, because that movie just makes me happy. And a little bit horny. Yeah.

Do you know what I just did? I stole Stone Fox's bad ass sniper camera, and whored in the quiet of my own room. It was amusing. And now Tam is on her way to pick me up. Noycee included. She'll finally meet Kenneth. Well,

I'll blog this shit later. Aha damnnnnnnnnnn.

Two years already

The 29th!

I remember last summer, the Anything Else but the Truth summer. I found some of my dignity back and built myself again my own way. Now I can't even imagine being who that was. I was messy, and spewing out my guts. That was tiring. That always made me tired.

"Two years have passed and nothing's changed, it's alright. Still you just wait for that embrace, it's alright. There is only one thing that has yet to be said, I am holding back. There is only one thing to be said and it's alright..."

I'm having an It's Blitz! summer, and New Again. It's satisfying, and tasteful. And I'm feeling so bloody good, I could fall off the face of the planet happily. Two years have passed, and things have really changed...

"Flow sweetly, hang heavy
You suddenly complete me

Hysteric, hysterical..."

Deep breaths.

I wrestled with my thoughts on my bed, 5 am early this morning, dying for sleep.

I heard the startling vibration of my phone on my headboard. I reached up for it, scratched my head about who could possibly be texting me at the dead of the morning.

It read:

"Damn, I miss you."

I smiled to myself for a moment, and immediately fell fast asleep.

It's exactly 12:00 pm, JB is sitting on my couch. He's been here every day all week. I fortunately never get tired of him.

Mama went back to work today. I feel the loneliness of lunch with out love. Cold, Chinese take-out lunch that my father rushes home to bring us. I hate it. I've always hated it. It's the same order, no matter how different they sound. And no matter how many times he asks us what we want, we end up with the same menu we'd had the day before. I hate being home for lunch when Mama doesn't cook. It feels so cold, so unloved.

Frost

I was resisting the will to shiver because the wind was cold enough to freeze me raw. But I was warm, we were so warm.

Time to Pretend, and the windows rolled down in a party fashion, heads stuck out of the silver speed, and we flew.

We were in near tears because of the speed and the cold and the wind that so hospitably graced us with its divine gift. Electric Feel.

I looked to my left, she smiled to me through her hair. And our hairs whipped us in the face, and warmly smelled like wind. Like wind that you want to come home with, with your heart bursting out of your shirt, and evidently smeared on your face.

Where is your amazement?

Because we we're just...

Infinite.

Pulled an Angie

Well fuck YOU.

Yes, this is precisely for you.

You crying infant.

Fuck. You.

And...

This cold is letting me believe that those summers only existed in different worlds I'd once been. But I told her today, and every chance I get that I'm proud of myself, and she tells me she's proud of me too. And then, we agree and banter on about what always started as something wonderful.

And then she told me, that if he leaves her, I'll be there to put her together like she's done to me. And I couldn't agree more, because I'd told myself that I would before I ever even acknowledged it all. And right now, knowing what I know, I always find fright at the thought of losing someone. And she's just one of those people I couldn't bare to ever imagine with out now. And I'm changing inside and outside and left and right and upside down, napping and being clever, singing those songs and finding music back with someone.

And my sister. My sister's feelings coincide appropriately toward the way people are in my life. When someone is good to me, she knows it, and she adores that person. But when things go a little haywire, she feels it, and she holds a sort of resentment knowing that things aren't good anymore. My sister adores her. Every time she walks in through our front door, or when we see her in public places, she screams her name and runs to her like a loyal, happy puppy. And I always know, that I can trust my judgment based on my sister. Because her emotional attachments are only based on my happiness. And how much more can I ask for? Those she resent... Well, we only reminisce in a fashion that makes us shake our heads, or remember how happy we were.

I have learned enough that nothing ever really lasts. And things end and begin for a reason so that we understand how important these people are. I have no regrets in life, and am just looking forward, and moving to that direction. Where ever it will take me this time around.

And she's not the only one that's showing me the good that we have of life. She just brings it out of me and of her the most.

And for that I will be thankful. Like always.

7 days.

Where are you my muse?

I woke up at 3 something in the morning in frantic panic. Exactly 3:21 am, I told myself to wake the hell up because I had no intentions of having another heart attack in the morning, racing with time.

So, it was 3, my judgment hazy, and I looked out my window where I saw something I loved to see. And the moon has been gone for a week or two, so nothing has been watching me sleep. But I looked out, and the sky was red.

I then realized I had 3 more hours to sleep, and so I breathed the sky in and buried myself deep under the comforter where I slept deep.

PS. Where are you muse? I'm feeling rather empty now.

I have a problem with man babies. I hate ever thinking the thoughts "grow a pair" in my head. It upsets me that I could find that phrase to want to say to someone.

PS. Our bathroom is under construction. I feel incredibly weird about showering in my parents room. Where there are no doors that separates bathroom from bedroom.

And I am so lacking in sleep.

Here, listen to some good, happy music provided by the best that the world has to offer. DANCE!

And no this video has nothing to do with MJ's death. At all.

It is 2:04 am and I am sitting here aching about this movie. And I keep thinking to myself, Anthony Green must have really loved this movie because the whole album Juturna was inspired by this. Because of this movie, Anthony managed to create something so utterly amazing with Circa Survive.

Every time I watch this movie, the part when their house at the beach crumbles, and she whispers "Meet me in Montauk" I choke up. It gets to me every time. Yes, this movie always amazes me.

I remember watching it for the first time years ago with my dad. He didn't like it because he said it gave him a headache, aha. But it was stupefying to me. And I've loved it since. My dad watches good movies.

And now, every time I watch this movie, or hear this song, I think of when the weather is cold, and of the things that have me tangled but keeps me on my toes.

Circa Survive + Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind = I unbelievably miss winter.

What do you find amazing?

PS.

Leave just as you came (without a sound),
Nothing to ruffle your ends.

I've been wandering around,
Making up movies in my head
So we say don't let it go,
let me try and pull out pride.
I already forget how I used to feel about you

Leave as fast you came, no invitation
Nowhere to go from here.

I've been wandering around,
Wondering how I got so, got so, so fucking boring
All the sudden, so fucking scared... I'm not scared.
You'd mean so much more to me if I remembered.

I am a napper now.

I nap at every opportunity I can steal. You can probably feel the grooves that my body left on my couch. Yes, I never nap in my room. In fact, I have been sleeping on my couch for two straight nights. I'm really not sure why, I'd just been too lazy to drag myself to bed. Aha, yes I know.

Do you know what makes me sad? The fact that 500 Days of Summer is currently only playing at SF. I don't know when it'll be in town, but I am anticipating it to the highest extent. I intend on watching it maybe around 5 times in theaters with all different people. Maybe once in SF.

I have nothing more important to mention.

PS.
Guess what made me very happy.

"When I come back..."

"Is trust really that fucking hard
(A gesture of faith in me)
You make it so, and you let go within the circle
(blasphemy so regularly, right?)
Everyone knows what you wear
The face of doubt
To live without
(Honestly we're deceiving each other)

You speak of awe
(It's not enough)
and take every word from me
(Fighting everyone that I see
Learning when and where not to be)
You speak of awe
(It's not enough)
And make every word taste sweet"

It gives me the Sunday night feeling, and I feel so sad. And I think of how good it makes me feel, and how good it is to me, and how I am reminded. I am always reminded. I let this penetrate me, and only this. For now..

"My invasion of thoughts is your caviar"

"Holy shit she smells like heaven

...Been best friends since we were eleven And oh my god I like her. Yeah I heard you like her."

That's what she said.

Laughlaughlaugh.

I was measured for my cotillion dress today. I am not a girl

I had my hair cut today. I am not a girl.

I wore a skirt today. I am not a girl.

And I'll be wearing a dress tomorrow I think. I still am not a girl.

Anyway, I'm not compelled to write anything really.

But I am excited for August.

There are some people, when they talk to me about things, I really want to sincerely say...

Shut the fuck up.

Do you ever just have one of those days?

Breakfast date to candy dinner.

Summer by Calvin Klein.

Mkyl, you are always so good to me.

Makayla freakin' Dias, blog something for petesake! I miss reading your entries T-T

So,

Sister and I were talking a lot about relationships and guys today. She's feeling lonely again, and wants desperately for a boy that sweeps her off her feet. Aha, she's got quite a few lined up, but none of her standards I suppose. Why I mention this? I honestly cannot even remember...

All I know is that as of right now, I am absolutely fine. I've had a few people ask me whether I regret the decision I made, and I confidently answer no. I am well aware of the decision that I'd chosen and it's what I think is best.

At first, I thought it'd be too early for closure, but I think I actually had my timing right this time. I saw myself fall apart in one week. The perfection of my junior year, the majority of it, crumbled in one week. And it wasn't as if I was completely broken, because I have been there before. I've seen myself in worse situations and I have dug myself out of even deeper holes. But this one, I decided to save my skin before I chose to lay myself down that hole and become trapped like I had been in my pasts. There is no way in hell that I'm keeping another circle always at present in my life anymore. Hello Fate.

I catch myself feeling lost sometimes, seeing some things differently from the way I had before, and feeling a new person in me. But I am convinced that everything will be alright, because it will be! I don't know where I found this optimism, maybe from the comfort of my friends.

I may be with out a boyfriend now! But...

I still have my Jabes.

Still have my Makay.

Still have my Tay.

And, I still have Cache Creek this weekend with my family.

OH, and Warped Tour to look forward to in August! O_O!

PS.

Jabe's birthday : July 29

Dean's birthday: August 4

Makay's: August 10.

All 6 days apart. And I'm broke. What the fffff do I do...

What I do when there's summer school:

-Irritatedly wake up at 6 something and find enough pieces of clothing appropriate to go to school. My bangs have been bringing me down.

-Carpool with Makay and Kenneth from Tam, good morning to the most glorious white people.

-3 infuriating hours in English, listening to Martinez talk shit about everything in the world (it can be quite entertaining) and then to a group of imbeciles who talk about how much they love shrooms. Oh and try not to fall fast asleep.

-Break time means nothing. Everyone usually goes home because they only have one class. But sometimes they stay. Makayla walks Kenneth and me to our classes, and then she goes home to sleep a holy sleep.

-3 infuriating hours in Algebra, shriveling in the same repetitive process that the teacher decides to take. WarmUp, Notes, Classwork, Quiz, Notes, Classwork.

-Pick up Kenneth from where ever he walks from and then we go to TAK and wait for Makay and Tam.

-"How was school? La la la." And on the ride home, Kenneth screams all kinds of things at people on the sidewalks while Tami is going a thousand miles per hour. "SLUT!" is the most popular exclamation.

-"Thanks Tam, Love you Makay, see you guys later! La la la." Then Kenneth yells something outside of my house, "VIRGINITY IS OVERRATED!"

-I walk in my house, Noycee yells, "Are you with Makayla I miss Makayla Where is she?" I text Makay about my sister's adoration for her, she tells me that I'm still her favorite nonetheless, then I pig out.

-THEN, I nap a glorious nap till whenever dinner is.

-After dinner means I attempt to write.

-After failing my attempt to write, I give up, lay around, and kill enough time so that I shower late.

-I shower, I text, I talk, I fall asleep on who ever was the unfortunate person who decided they want to converse late at night with someone who has summer school the next morning.

And that starts all over again. Every day. Until this summer school shit thing ends.

There's no summer heat, there's no summer plans. It has been incredibly dull lately.

I'm just so glad we have Fridays off.

Fck this was a waste of entry.

Lately,

I've been wanting to set things straight. Not just things, everything. With everyone. And all these things that I need to do something about before I wake up one morning more lost and directionless than the day before. Which is actually taking place...now.

I am done sleeping and sobbing on my bed like the little bitch that I know I am no longer. NO! I'm better than that now.

What I'm saying is...

FUCK THE SYSTEM.

Fingers

In bold letters, the note read, “Missing.” Immediately, he felt a surge of worry, a surge of panic. And he bit his nail. He bit down hard.

He sat hunched at the foot of his bed, his right foot shaking steadily on top of his left knee. He took a deep breath, placed the note lightly on the floor, and laid his back flat on top of the mattress.

A smile smeared across his face now. He chuckled just slightly, and then closed his eyes for the longest nap he’ll ever take.

When he woke up, the clock blinked 3:35 and it bled dark outside of his window. His phone rang just then as he rubbed the sleep off of his eyes. He rose slowly and dragged his feet to the phone to meet with its annoying ringing. When he picked it up, he flung it across the room with enough force that shattered the phone in half making one final crashing sound. Then it was quiet again.

He headed to the bathroom where the mess still stationed. It was as if nothing but the smell of bleach was there. He washed his face and shook his head. As he brought his face up, he grew more intently on the reflection on the mirror. Dark circles devoured the color of his eyes. He was pale blue and creases were stamped endlessly across his face.

There were two knocks on his front door, just two and nothing more. He stuck his head out of the bathroom, glared at the front door, and steadied himself decent.

Walking casually towards it, he whistled cheerily through the silence. He put on a swagger and face too light for the time at present.

He swung the door open. It’s her, he thought. He smiled anyway. “What can I do for you?”

She smiled wryly and pushed him aside. She entered his home with confidence, but slowed at the creep of his living room. All the lights were off except for the bathroom.

“Where is she?” She demanded emotionlessly. “I know she’s been here.”

He chuckled to himself, shut the door behind him, and slowed toward her.

“There is no one else here but you and me. Now who is this ‘she’ that you’re looking for?”

She blinked several times, took the deepest of breaths. She emoted very little in reaction to him.

“I don’t have very much time. We’re leaving tomorrow,” she mentioned.

He walked to the couch, sat himself down, and motioned for her to sit too. She shook her head, of course, and stood stiffly in the dark.

She couldn’t see him now, the dark had taken him. But she knew that he was staring at her, waiting to speak further.

“I really need you to tell me where she is,” she continued. “We don’t want to leave with out her. She hates it when we do.”

“I’m sure things have changed. Feel free to leave when you please. If I see her and she is unhappy, I’ll be sure to tell her that you’d completely considered her before leaving.”

She pursed her lips. There’s really no need in further searching for her, she thought. And he’d felt her convinced.

“I suppose I’ll be leaving now. I’m sorry to have disturbed you at this hour. This all was just so sudden and so urgent. I took all actions I had to take,” she explained. “If you see her, please let her know that she knows exactly where we will be and that we apologize for the abandonment.”

He smiled wide enough to see the pearliness of his teeth even in the dark. She gasped for some air at the sight of this, and her reaction further pleased him.

“It is not a problem at all. Please have a safe trip,” he stood up, and pushed her gently to the door.

She stood for a second facing him just outside of his door, and he knew that she knew. But he also knew that there was nothing she was going to do about it.

“Goodbye now,” she said, and faced him away, walking as steadily as she could.

“Goodbye,” he whispered through his teeth and firmly closed the door behind him.

He walked swiftly back to his bedroom, switched on the light, and tilted his head at the sight of what the foot of his bed had exposed.

-
These dreams. They have me waking in cold sweat.

She told me that I'm doing better than she did. And I agree. I agree completely. But at the stage I'm in, it is so easy to feel like the biggest asshole.

I am sorry that I am dragon queen. I cannot find myself baring myself completely as how I'd used to before. It's exhausting that way you know. I'd feel so naked, so exposed, so unguarded. And it's so unfortunate that I've found this person... This person who treats me like a princess and fights for everything that would please me just to see me happy... but I am so heavily guarded that I'd barely looked at him in the eye and unveiled myself as someone at the peek of thankfulness and happiness. I couldn't even do that.

I am dragon queen. I have my guards readily standing by the high walls of castle. And I keep myself in there, occasionally open for visitors. But never hospitable enough to offer anyone to stay the night.

As of right now, I can hear the faint fireworks of the city next door. But all I can think about is how I'd gotten so alone in so little time. I hate to admit it, but you took a great deal of my happiness with you. And it doesn't matter where this whole thing will lead us. It doesn't matter that things will stir up again. Doesn't matter that things will come up again. Now, just for now, I am sad. I am empty now. And I want to cry now.

Hysteric?

________________________________

"I love you more than I thought"

This is what is what's keeping me going now.