I washed my hair 3 times and it still smells of last night. Camp-firey, woody, and smokey.

The firepit.
The burning marshmallows coal black then giving it away.
The filling up on Dr. Pepper.
The scattering of candles, Buddha, lanterns, and lights.
The ribs because of Rik.
The force-feeding of broccoli and tomatoes just for Tay.
The Apples to Apples when Tom Cruise is chewy.
The rainbow hat.
The Ipod.
The Chubby Bunny and spitting 'em out.
The Tami running around being everyone's mama.
The Fox's jumpiness from the fire.
The dancing to Yeah Yeah Yeah's.
The singing along to The Strokes.
The laughing till our spleens split.
The crashing on the couch watching Pineapple.
The blankets, the pillows, the bare legs and feet atop altogether.
The waking up at 3 something to find that the boys left.
The waking up at 5 something to be with Ian.
The staying awake, sitting on gravel, and watching the sun rise while the birds laughed behind us.
The W.W.J.D.
The light shivers.
The eyes closed.
The day came in.
And
The realization that everything is at peace. I'm in peace. With out a single regret. And I walked back in peace, an insane grin smeared across my face, to my friends snoring lightly next to me.

The best.

I Just Had...

The two greatest days.

Capay Valley consisted of constant, outrageous feuds with Blithe, food aggravations, and the sweet goodness of swimming on a hot day. Like I said, Capay Valley is always good to me.

Rick and I have this serious cursing problem. A few days ago before we left, she received the most skin-crawling lecture because she said the F word to Papa. Aha ahhhh it was hilarious! It was on the dinner table too! I was biting my tongue so hard not to laugh. And it looked like she was about to dissolve...or burst into laughing tears or something.

So underwater, we played the middle finger game; (game when both participants must do different poses underwater with their middle finger[s] ) LOL.

And well, I made a video! It's the first montage video I have ever made, with a great song. I just wanted to do a test run because I want to do a montage for Fox's beach day tomorrow. It'll be great! I can only hope, aha.

Being back in Fremont always felt good, especially when the heat is at present like this. Makes me tingle inside, in this very creepy way.

Well, I'm excited for tomorrow.

PS. I missed you.

Happy birthday Foxx3 !

You're at far away Tahoe right now, and I terribly miss you. I'm only minutes away from leaving town, and by the time I get back here, you'll be back too!

I hope you're having a glorious birthday right now. Because you only deserve everything beyond glorious, promise.

I'll see you in 4 days!
-
Ian,

By the time I get back, you'll be back too. I can barely contain myself.


HYSTERIC!

PS. Capay Valley is always good to me.

I just had the most uncomfortable sleep of my life. I tossed and turned more than I can recall. I had no pillows. The wall was pushing at me, and on the other side, an ass sandwiched me against the wall. My phone kept vibrating. And every time I read the texts, it was of something incredibly stupid. My dreams were haunting and irritating. My semi-conscious thoughts were getting lost. I was hot and cold all at the same time. And when I finally decided to wake up... The bed cover decided to eat my hair or something. Because it looked like I shed.

Over all of that, the prior concern that wouldn't let me be was the thought that dragon queen is deciding to say good bye to me. It scares me. It scares me, and relieves me all at the same time.

I kept saying to myself that I think I'm in trouble. I haven't felt so crazy in so long. Literally insane for being so happy and so worried all at the same time. Ever since I watched 500, I'd been finding myself feeling sad. But not because that was accurately how I felt. But because the whole thought and idea of the movie is just sad. And the music, the soundtrack of that movie devastates me. I mope, and I pout, and I pace around my house, wondering why the hell I feel so bloody sad. And at first, I couldn't reach a conclusion because I know that I'm happy. I know that I am at my best. But I swear, the music... It confused the hell out of my core.

Back to my point, Taylor said that this is me being a teenager. That we feel this way, feel this emotional, and feel this infatuated at some point. I'm just so surprised, so astonished. You could, at this point, scrape my jaw off the pavement. She said I had absolutely nothing to worry about. I should just accept it as it is.

"The heart asks pleasure first; and then excuse from pain."

It's just... I didn't think dragon queen was going to leave me any time soon. I didn't think there was anyone as of present that could make dragon queen leave.

I suppose... that if she does depart... Then good riddance?

HA.

I was casually on my couch this evening, watching my parents on the kitchen. There was this sudden eruption of pangs in my chest as I looked at them. They were putting the groceries away, and playfully arguing about "washing the meat." Pa made this face that was meant to taunt Ma, and he laughed at himself for it. Ma rolled her eyes, and they both shared this intimate, secretive, quiet laughter. Like no one else was around them. I immediately knew that I yearned for that.

For quite a while now, I'd been denying the thought of marriage in my life. It's all so ridiculous to me. Binding my life with someone, legally documenting it on paper and ring. I came to this conclusion that I don't intend on marrying.

But when I'm in my house, when I'm with my family, when we're all in public, and they hold hands, share their laughter, and take on the day together, I can't help but want it. I can't help but imagine my life married. Wedding, babies, a home, and all that comes with it.

When I'm out in the world, with my friends, with everyone else that strolls by, I don't want it. I consider it as..."I don't want to get married. I don't to prove my love for someone with a damn ring." That's exactly as how I would go about. Majority of the time, this is my belief. I believe that divorces could cost as much as the wedding. The divorces could happen faster than when a child is born. Divorces are more common around me than strong, bonding of marriage.

And it's sad, because the strength of my parents together should convince me well enough that love exists in this way. Love will find us all, at some point. But it only convinces me for a second or two, and I'm back to my reality.

Nothing is definite, or absolute in our lives. It all changes. If I ever want to marry, I only want to do it once. I don't want to resort to a divorce.

The time that my parents were from is just completely different from the time that we live now. Now, we are generally founded by public displays, titles, sex, and pretentious reassurance. And on that very rare occasion, there will be those two people that love each other beyond the circumstances of our time. But like I said, it's on that very rare occasion. I haven't had a taste of that rare occasion. But if ever I do... my beliefs will be otherwise.

Until I find that someone that will make me think it's possible for me, for us, for this time to marry, and stay married. And live a life with someone, till death do us part, then I'll believe this song...

"Time, time is gone

it stops stops who it was

well i was wrong
it never lasts
there is no
this is no modern romance"

If I ever find something like theirs, then I could never ask for more...

SUMMER SEVEN

The face of evil, you see, is of a woman.

Reality vs. Expectation

"Something I was never sure of with you..."

That's right about when a tear formed.

Taylor wants this song to be played in every big moment of her life. And it's a great song, an amazing song indeed. And I understand that. There's always a certain song that I always hold on to. Except in my case, I have playlists.

I always think of what role I gave music to play in my life. And it's bigger than anything I know. It's utterly masochism. It's the only thing I know that can break me, and make me, and stab a whole bunch of holes in me while simultaneously repairing me. And I always want it, even if it'll hurt me. It's fcking weird man.

You'll understand it when you hear a song and you don't know whether you want to cry, or lay in bed, or run a fcking marathon, or jump off of some height, or ball a fist, or slither, or take your clothes off, or smile like you're on something, or stick your head out of a fast moving vehicle, or hug the hell out of someone, or make out like there's no tomorrow, or sit there and take it.

It makes me ache so much... But this is my favorite kind of pain.

Tell me, what the hell makes YOU ache like that?

Meet... Emma Stone
The girl Ian would potentially leave me for.
If she wasn't so mmm, I'd resent her.

PUPPEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

HYSTERIC!

By far the best movie I have seen all year. In fact, it is head to head with Eternal Sunshine right now. Knocked off Nick and Norah's out of its place. I love it that much. I did. I began crying at some point. I didn't realize I'd take it to heart so much. But I did. And the end was hopelessly satisfying.

I was switching left to right, biting my lip with excitement! Fox and Jabe are my perfect company. And of course Noyc included.

The end of the day; always crash at Fox's. Their house is like a zoo. There's Max, there's Charlie, there's Sis, and there's my potbelly pig (Fox's feet). I had lavender jasmine tea today that tasted like her house. Specifically her hallway that leads to the bedrooms.

This is the summer of the best with the best. We all agreed.

PS. Fate vs. Coincidence

I love Britney Spears, Idc.

"You're not ugly! You're the cutest damn thing in the world!"

Do you really think I'm the cutest damn thing in the world?/:

"Why would I lie? Every time I see you first thing in the morning, I wanna squeeze you! You have nothing to worry about! Promise[: "

S. Foxx3

I HAVE NOTHING TO BLOG ABOUT. NOTHING. EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT I SPENT LIKE AN HOUR WAITING FOR S. FOX TO COME HOME FROM THE DOCTORS WHILE KENNETH AND I LOOKED AT INAPPROPRIATE THINGS ONLINE IN HER KITCHEN.
AND I FOUND THAT I LOVE CHARLIE. I EVEN TOUCHED HIM AND ALMOST LET HIM GNAW ON MY PINKY!

Lizzy Caplan, her real name isn't too attractive. So we'll keep Janis Ian, MEAN GIRLS [:

Love, K.A.T.

We did it!

Tami and Tay picked up the bird today, and we brought it home. Once I was out of summer school, we executed everything perfectly.

"Why is there a bird cage in my house..." She was in shock! Silence and hand over the mouth and all. It was heartwarming...

We named the bird Charlie Wallflower, in remembrance of our favorite book, and the infinite moments.

It's all so ironic. My fear of birds drove me to buy her a bird! She just loves him so much. Ever since the first day she saw the bird at the pet store, she fell in love with it! I watched her from behind the glass doors (in fear of being in a room of birds) adoring him, and I could just see it in her eyes that she didn't want to leave him. She told me the story of Tiki, her past bird. And Charlie was just the perfect birthday present.

Charlie will probably be the exception of my phobia. I touched his claw today... My first step, hella nice!

Love,

Kenny, Angie, Taylor.

We hella like you.

"And if a double-decker bus crashes into us To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die And if a ten ton truck kills the both of us To die by your side Well the pleasure, the privilege is mine

There is a light that never goes out"

Black, the absence of color.

White, the absolute of color.

Ultimately, they do not cancel each other out. One does not lap the other. One cannot dominate in any way.

It is a balance. The perfect completion of the ends and beginnings, and there's always everything in between.

I found this last night. In between the left over heat of the day and the chill of the night.

It's fucking creepy, but I smile like a pug lately.

Well it's a shock, shock
To your soft side
Summer moon...

I enjoy my nights. They've been cold, and wild, and winded. And I miss the heat, I do. But the drags feel so good, and I'm embracing this longing. I'm embracing these music, these people, these arguments, and these fumbles with dreams, reality, and the core of my optimism. And I'm on my toes more than half of the time, but I'd rather keep it that way than let my heels down at all.

The sound is so good.

I enjoy my nights.

This guy! Look at him with the guitar! Bossbossbossbossbossboss...

Puking Flowers

There's a different sense of satisfaction you get when happiness finds you, as to you trying to find happiness. I understood the concept of always choosing happiness, and ever since I heard this speech from my coach, I took the liberty of pursuing a lifestyle like such. I don't know if luck is on my side, or if I am just being prolonged for karma to hit me HARD someday.

But I am the most fortunate person I know. And no matter what happens, no matter which people I lose, which I gain, which clothes I wear, or how I cut my hair. I still end up being very happy at the end of the day.

At the end of the day, I just lay in the dark, and think of everyone. Everyone in my life that I can think of at that moment. I acknowledged how they have impacted me, insignificant or unforgettable, and I remind myself.. how can anyone ask for more? If I had any more than what I have, well it would be excessive, wouldn't it? Or so it feels like it.

And yes I catch myself acting up sometimes, but I can still make mistakes, no matter how fortunate, right?

At the end of the day...

I have won what I can win. The things that matter most. And I am glad to know that I cannot be broken down into severed, unrecognizable little pieces. And no, not because I always put a guard up. But because, it's refreshing and relieving to know that if anyone was to break me, it could only be me. I have learned to give myself that power only, at this moment in my life. And if I find that person again, that person that can break me down, well, I can only imagine how well I'll come out of that hell. Because with this one, I feel damn good.

I don't mean to sound as if I am bragging, because.. well actually I could be. But no, that's not my point. My point is...

I was that girl that cried over every fucking little bad thing that happened to me. I fell to my knees at the small sign of something bad. I was so incredibly weak, and so incredibly spoiled, that no one else could have hated me as much as I hated myself. And I was at it, moping, sulking and skulking around like there was no one else in the world but me. But I left that part of me, somewhere back there. And here I am, taking control, and taking responsibility.

I choose to live completely now. I know, about time right?

It's 4:39pm

I am at home, waiting for time to take me. Do you know what I am about to do? I am going to watch The Ugly Truth again, because that movie just makes me happy. And a little bit horny. Yeah.

Do you know what I just did? I stole Stone Fox's bad ass sniper camera, and whored in the quiet of my own room. It was amusing. And now Tam is on her way to pick me up. Noycee included. She'll finally meet Kenneth. Well,

I'll blog this shit later. Aha damnnnnnnnnnn.

Two years already

The 29th!

I remember last summer, the Anything Else but the Truth summer. I found some of my dignity back and built myself again my own way. Now I can't even imagine being who that was. I was messy, and spewing out my guts. That was tiring. That always made me tired.

"Two years have passed and nothing's changed, it's alright. Still you just wait for that embrace, it's alright. There is only one thing that has yet to be said, I am holding back. There is only one thing to be said and it's alright..."

I'm having an It's Blitz! summer, and New Again. It's satisfying, and tasteful. And I'm feeling so bloody good, I could fall off the face of the planet happily. Two years have passed, and things have really changed...

"Flow sweetly, hang heavy
You suddenly complete me

Hysteric, hysterical..."

Deep breaths.

I wrestled with my thoughts on my bed, 5 am early this morning, dying for sleep.

I heard the startling vibration of my phone on my headboard. I reached up for it, scratched my head about who could possibly be texting me at the dead of the morning.

It read:

"Damn, I miss you."

I smiled to myself for a moment, and immediately fell fast asleep.

It's exactly 12:00 pm, JB is sitting on my couch. He's been here every day all week. I fortunately never get tired of him.

Mama went back to work today. I feel the loneliness of lunch with out love. Cold, Chinese take-out lunch that my father rushes home to bring us. I hate it. I've always hated it. It's the same order, no matter how different they sound. And no matter how many times he asks us what we want, we end up with the same menu we'd had the day before. I hate being home for lunch when Mama doesn't cook. It feels so cold, so unloved.

Frost

I was resisting the will to shiver because the wind was cold enough to freeze me raw. But I was warm, we were so warm.

Time to Pretend, and the windows rolled down in a party fashion, heads stuck out of the silver speed, and we flew.

We were in near tears because of the speed and the cold and the wind that so hospitably graced us with its divine gift. Electric Feel.

I looked to my left, she smiled to me through her hair. And our hairs whipped us in the face, and warmly smelled like wind. Like wind that you want to come home with, with your heart bursting out of your shirt, and evidently smeared on your face.

Where is your amazement?

Because we we're just...

Infinite.

Pulled an Angie

Well fuck YOU.

Yes, this is precisely for you.

You crying infant.

Fuck. You.

And...

This cold is letting me believe that those summers only existed in different worlds I'd once been. But I told her today, and every chance I get that I'm proud of myself, and she tells me she's proud of me too. And then, we agree and banter on about what always started as something wonderful.

And then she told me, that if he leaves her, I'll be there to put her together like she's done to me. And I couldn't agree more, because I'd told myself that I would before I ever even acknowledged it all. And right now, knowing what I know, I always find fright at the thought of losing someone. And she's just one of those people I couldn't bare to ever imagine with out now. And I'm changing inside and outside and left and right and upside down, napping and being clever, singing those songs and finding music back with someone.

And my sister. My sister's feelings coincide appropriately toward the way people are in my life. When someone is good to me, she knows it, and she adores that person. But when things go a little haywire, she feels it, and she holds a sort of resentment knowing that things aren't good anymore. My sister adores her. Every time she walks in through our front door, or when we see her in public places, she screams her name and runs to her like a loyal, happy puppy. And I always know, that I can trust my judgment based on my sister. Because her emotional attachments are only based on my happiness. And how much more can I ask for? Those she resent... Well, we only reminisce in a fashion that makes us shake our heads, or remember how happy we were.

I have learned enough that nothing ever really lasts. And things end and begin for a reason so that we understand how important these people are. I have no regrets in life, and am just looking forward, and moving to that direction. Where ever it will take me this time around.

And she's not the only one that's showing me the good that we have of life. She just brings it out of me and of her the most.

And for that I will be thankful. Like always.

7 days.

Where are you my muse?

I woke up at 3 something in the morning in frantic panic. Exactly 3:21 am, I told myself to wake the hell up because I had no intentions of having another heart attack in the morning, racing with time.

So, it was 3, my judgment hazy, and I looked out my window where I saw something I loved to see. And the moon has been gone for a week or two, so nothing has been watching me sleep. But I looked out, and the sky was red.

I then realized I had 3 more hours to sleep, and so I breathed the sky in and buried myself deep under the comforter where I slept deep.

PS. Where are you muse? I'm feeling rather empty now.

I have a problem with man babies. I hate ever thinking the thoughts "grow a pair" in my head. It upsets me that I could find that phrase to want to say to someone.

PS. Our bathroom is under construction. I feel incredibly weird about showering in my parents room. Where there are no doors that separates bathroom from bedroom.

And I am so lacking in sleep.

Here, listen to some good, happy music provided by the best that the world has to offer. DANCE!

And no this video has nothing to do with MJ's death. At all.

It is 2:04 am and I am sitting here aching about this movie. And I keep thinking to myself, Anthony Green must have really loved this movie because the whole album Juturna was inspired by this. Because of this movie, Anthony managed to create something so utterly amazing with Circa Survive.

Every time I watch this movie, the part when their house at the beach crumbles, and she whispers "Meet me in Montauk" I choke up. It gets to me every time. Yes, this movie always amazes me.

I remember watching it for the first time years ago with my dad. He didn't like it because he said it gave him a headache, aha. But it was stupefying to me. And I've loved it since. My dad watches good movies.

And now, every time I watch this movie, or hear this song, I think of when the weather is cold, and of the things that have me tangled but keeps me on my toes.

Circa Survive + Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind = I unbelievably miss winter.

What do you find amazing?

PS.

Leave just as you came (without a sound),
Nothing to ruffle your ends.

I've been wandering around,
Making up movies in my head
So we say don't let it go,
let me try and pull out pride.
I already forget how I used to feel about you

Leave as fast you came, no invitation
Nowhere to go from here.

I've been wandering around,
Wondering how I got so, got so, so fucking boring
All the sudden, so fucking scared... I'm not scared.
You'd mean so much more to me if I remembered.

I am a napper now.

I nap at every opportunity I can steal. You can probably feel the grooves that my body left on my couch. Yes, I never nap in my room. In fact, I have been sleeping on my couch for two straight nights. I'm really not sure why, I'd just been too lazy to drag myself to bed. Aha, yes I know.

Do you know what makes me sad? The fact that 500 Days of Summer is currently only playing at SF. I don't know when it'll be in town, but I am anticipating it to the highest extent. I intend on watching it maybe around 5 times in theaters with all different people. Maybe once in SF.

I have nothing more important to mention.

PS.
Guess what made me very happy.

"When I come back..."

"Is trust really that fucking hard
(A gesture of faith in me)
You make it so, and you let go within the circle
(blasphemy so regularly, right?)
Everyone knows what you wear
The face of doubt
To live without
(Honestly we're deceiving each other)

You speak of awe
(It's not enough)
and take every word from me
(Fighting everyone that I see
Learning when and where not to be)
You speak of awe
(It's not enough)
And make every word taste sweet"

It gives me the Sunday night feeling, and I feel so sad. And I think of how good it makes me feel, and how good it is to me, and how I am reminded. I am always reminded. I let this penetrate me, and only this. For now..

"My invasion of thoughts is your caviar"

"Holy shit she smells like heaven

...Been best friends since we were eleven And oh my god I like her. Yeah I heard you like her."

That's what she said.

Laughlaughlaugh.

I was measured for my cotillion dress today. I am not a girl

I had my hair cut today. I am not a girl.

I wore a skirt today. I am not a girl.

And I'll be wearing a dress tomorrow I think. I still am not a girl.

Anyway, I'm not compelled to write anything really.

But I am excited for August.

There are some people, when they talk to me about things, I really want to sincerely say...

Shut the fuck up.

Do you ever just have one of those days?

Breakfast date to candy dinner.

Summer by Calvin Klein.

Mkyl, you are always so good to me.

Makayla freakin' Dias, blog something for petesake! I miss reading your entries T-T

So,

Sister and I were talking a lot about relationships and guys today. She's feeling lonely again, and wants desperately for a boy that sweeps her off her feet. Aha, she's got quite a few lined up, but none of her standards I suppose. Why I mention this? I honestly cannot even remember...

All I know is that as of right now, I am absolutely fine. I've had a few people ask me whether I regret the decision I made, and I confidently answer no. I am well aware of the decision that I'd chosen and it's what I think is best.

At first, I thought it'd be too early for closure, but I think I actually had my timing right this time. I saw myself fall apart in one week. The perfection of my junior year, the majority of it, crumbled in one week. And it wasn't as if I was completely broken, because I have been there before. I've seen myself in worse situations and I have dug myself out of even deeper holes. But this one, I decided to save my skin before I chose to lay myself down that hole and become trapped like I had been in my pasts. There is no way in hell that I'm keeping another circle always at present in my life anymore. Hello Fate.

I catch myself feeling lost sometimes, seeing some things differently from the way I had before, and feeling a new person in me. But I am convinced that everything will be alright, because it will be! I don't know where I found this optimism, maybe from the comfort of my friends.

I may be with out a boyfriend now! But...

I still have my Jabes.

Still have my Makay.

Still have my Tay.

And, I still have Cache Creek this weekend with my family.

OH, and Warped Tour to look forward to in August! O_O!

PS.

Jabe's birthday : July 29

Dean's birthday: August 4

Makay's: August 10.

All 6 days apart. And I'm broke. What the fffff do I do...

What I do when there's summer school:

-Irritatedly wake up at 6 something and find enough pieces of clothing appropriate to go to school. My bangs have been bringing me down.

-Carpool with Makay and Kenneth from Tam, good morning to the most glorious white people.

-3 infuriating hours in English, listening to Martinez talk shit about everything in the world (it can be quite entertaining) and then to a group of imbeciles who talk about how much they love shrooms. Oh and try not to fall fast asleep.

-Break time means nothing. Everyone usually goes home because they only have one class. But sometimes they stay. Makayla walks Kenneth and me to our classes, and then she goes home to sleep a holy sleep.

-3 infuriating hours in Algebra, shriveling in the same repetitive process that the teacher decides to take. WarmUp, Notes, Classwork, Quiz, Notes, Classwork.

-Pick up Kenneth from where ever he walks from and then we go to TAK and wait for Makay and Tam.

-"How was school? La la la." And on the ride home, Kenneth screams all kinds of things at people on the sidewalks while Tami is going a thousand miles per hour. "SLUT!" is the most popular exclamation.

-"Thanks Tam, Love you Makay, see you guys later! La la la." Then Kenneth yells something outside of my house, "VIRGINITY IS OVERRATED!"

-I walk in my house, Noycee yells, "Are you with Makayla I miss Makayla Where is she?" I text Makay about my sister's adoration for her, she tells me that I'm still her favorite nonetheless, then I pig out.

-THEN, I nap a glorious nap till whenever dinner is.

-After dinner means I attempt to write.

-After failing my attempt to write, I give up, lay around, and kill enough time so that I shower late.

-I shower, I text, I talk, I fall asleep on who ever was the unfortunate person who decided they want to converse late at night with someone who has summer school the next morning.

And that starts all over again. Every day. Until this summer school shit thing ends.

There's no summer heat, there's no summer plans. It has been incredibly dull lately.

I'm just so glad we have Fridays off.

Fck this was a waste of entry.

Lately,

I've been wanting to set things straight. Not just things, everything. With everyone. And all these things that I need to do something about before I wake up one morning more lost and directionless than the day before. Which is actually taking place...now.

I am done sleeping and sobbing on my bed like the little bitch that I know I am no longer. NO! I'm better than that now.

What I'm saying is...

FUCK THE SYSTEM.

Fingers

In bold letters, the note read, “Missing.” Immediately, he felt a surge of worry, a surge of panic. And he bit his nail. He bit down hard.

He sat hunched at the foot of his bed, his right foot shaking steadily on top of his left knee. He took a deep breath, placed the note lightly on the floor, and laid his back flat on top of the mattress.

A smile smeared across his face now. He chuckled just slightly, and then closed his eyes for the longest nap he’ll ever take.

When he woke up, the clock blinked 3:35 and it bled dark outside of his window. His phone rang just then as he rubbed the sleep off of his eyes. He rose slowly and dragged his feet to the phone to meet with its annoying ringing. When he picked it up, he flung it across the room with enough force that shattered the phone in half making one final crashing sound. Then it was quiet again.

He headed to the bathroom where the mess still stationed. It was as if nothing but the smell of bleach was there. He washed his face and shook his head. As he brought his face up, he grew more intently on the reflection on the mirror. Dark circles devoured the color of his eyes. He was pale blue and creases were stamped endlessly across his face.

There were two knocks on his front door, just two and nothing more. He stuck his head out of the bathroom, glared at the front door, and steadied himself decent.

Walking casually towards it, he whistled cheerily through the silence. He put on a swagger and face too light for the time at present.

He swung the door open. It’s her, he thought. He smiled anyway. “What can I do for you?”

She smiled wryly and pushed him aside. She entered his home with confidence, but slowed at the creep of his living room. All the lights were off except for the bathroom.

“Where is she?” She demanded emotionlessly. “I know she’s been here.”

He chuckled to himself, shut the door behind him, and slowed toward her.

“There is no one else here but you and me. Now who is this ‘she’ that you’re looking for?”

She blinked several times, took the deepest of breaths. She emoted very little in reaction to him.

“I don’t have very much time. We’re leaving tomorrow,” she mentioned.

He walked to the couch, sat himself down, and motioned for her to sit too. She shook her head, of course, and stood stiffly in the dark.

She couldn’t see him now, the dark had taken him. But she knew that he was staring at her, waiting to speak further.

“I really need you to tell me where she is,” she continued. “We don’t want to leave with out her. She hates it when we do.”

“I’m sure things have changed. Feel free to leave when you please. If I see her and she is unhappy, I’ll be sure to tell her that you’d completely considered her before leaving.”

She pursed her lips. There’s really no need in further searching for her, she thought. And he’d felt her convinced.

“I suppose I’ll be leaving now. I’m sorry to have disturbed you at this hour. This all was just so sudden and so urgent. I took all actions I had to take,” she explained. “If you see her, please let her know that she knows exactly where we will be and that we apologize for the abandonment.”

He smiled wide enough to see the pearliness of his teeth even in the dark. She gasped for some air at the sight of this, and her reaction further pleased him.

“It is not a problem at all. Please have a safe trip,” he stood up, and pushed her gently to the door.

She stood for a second facing him just outside of his door, and he knew that she knew. But he also knew that there was nothing she was going to do about it.

“Goodbye now,” she said, and faced him away, walking as steadily as she could.

“Goodbye,” he whispered through his teeth and firmly closed the door behind him.

He walked swiftly back to his bedroom, switched on the light, and tilted his head at the sight of what the foot of his bed had exposed.

-
These dreams. They have me waking in cold sweat.

She told me that I'm doing better than she did. And I agree. I agree completely. But at the stage I'm in, it is so easy to feel like the biggest asshole.

I am sorry that I am dragon queen. I cannot find myself baring myself completely as how I'd used to before. It's exhausting that way you know. I'd feel so naked, so exposed, so unguarded. And it's so unfortunate that I've found this person... This person who treats me like a princess and fights for everything that would please me just to see me happy... but I am so heavily guarded that I'd barely looked at him in the eye and unveiled myself as someone at the peek of thankfulness and happiness. I couldn't even do that.

I am dragon queen. I have my guards readily standing by the high walls of castle. And I keep myself in there, occasionally open for visitors. But never hospitable enough to offer anyone to stay the night.

As of right now, I can hear the faint fireworks of the city next door. But all I can think about is how I'd gotten so alone in so little time. I hate to admit it, but you took a great deal of my happiness with you. And it doesn't matter where this whole thing will lead us. It doesn't matter that things will stir up again. Doesn't matter that things will come up again. Now, just for now, I am sad. I am empty now. And I want to cry now.

Hysteric?

________________________________

"I love you more than I thought"

This is what is what's keeping me going now.

Tell me again the part how you didn't feel a thing, the part how you never actually really ever did and lift yourself from my grip but don't fall asleep.

T: "And I really think you need to let your barriers down and be OK with your emotions. I've always noticed how they scare you...

Angie, you need to work on being comfortable with emotions. Not only for this but for many aspects of life. Fear of emotions will only hold you back..."

Petals broke from tips of roses hidden underneath my arm.

You are so far away...

And I wanted so bad to be with you today.

It's the 26th.

I remember red skies and notes on napkins when I didn't want the day to end.

I love you, you know?

________________________________

‘If you listen to the song “Asleep,” and you think about those pretty weather days that makes you remember things, and you think about the prettiest eyes you’ve known, and you cry, and the person holds you back, then I think you will see the photograph.’



Masochism at best.

Hide and Seek

A ghost was sitting on me again.

Her arm rested just above my head, I knew that for certain. I knew Max was laying on her bed, licking herself. I knew that the blanket I'd chosen was far too warm for a summer night, and I knew that I was drenched in my own, cold sweat.

What had startled me was the amount of knowledge that I'd had. I whispered to myself frantically, "It's coming, it's coming, it's coming..." And I'd braced myself, prepared myself to prevent the avalanche of images that would come crashing down my head and shake me to my very core.

But I was already too late. Laying on my side, the images fell and clashed like the montage of the astonishing realization of a psychological thriller. I resisted and I fought, or at least I tried, but only to accept that I was hopeless, and it sat on me comfortably, longingly, and patiently.

Her arm rested just above my head, so close to me that I could even smell her skin lingering around me. But she was out of reach, and I was at the dark, sinking and throbbing under the heat of the blanket. My head pounding in my skull, the ripping sound of angry air whipping around me like it's the last thing I will ever feel...

When I knew it departed, my arm flew above me and it laid flat across her arm, in hopes that she'll be awake and I'll be safe again.

But darkness fell closer, and I kept more alone. She didn't even flinch. Max was still licking herself on her bed. I was still drenched in my own sweat.

And so at the peek of fear, I put my hands over my eyes like I was ten again.

I'm not afraid to say that this is getting harder for me...

Everyday, I corrupt my mind with all of these thoughts that shouldn't even matter to me. But they're taking me, laying atop of me, and squeezing out what ever is left of me. And I'm never left.

Dean Dantes, I'm running on exhausted. I'm so well-behaved during the day. I'm so solo, so solely with my soul and the energies that have me light in the air. But falling asleep and waking up wrap me so tangled between the ties of my life and the little rips that I never fixed. It just gets bigger.

And I ram it against harder on myself, masochism at best. Like that movie we watched one winter night. He bashed his head on the wall repeatedly, stopping it, fighting it, anything for it just so it's alright again. I want to be alright when I fall asleep and wake up.

But their weight with yours brings me to my knees. I can't waste anything. I just don't know how to change this yet.

PS. I lost my Ipod. I'm upset.

Temple, Juno

New eyegasm.

PS. This summer, Makay, and Tay are so good to me.

I think my pasts are trying to grab me by the wrist and whisper something sweet in my ear. Sweet enough to make me stop and breathe. Sweet enough to make me stay. Sweet enough to pull me in, and take me all the way down those lanes that I always just wondered about.

I just know now..I've left my marks. Scattered all over this place. Deep, and clawing deeper.
-
Lately, I can't write. I just sound absurd. Until whenever, of course.

Every time I hear it, feel it, know you're still with me.


"No I won't do it again, I don't want to pretend
If it can't be like before I've got to let it end
I don't want what I was, I had a change of head
But maybe someday...
Yeah maybe someday

I've got to let it go and leave it gone
Just walk away, stop it going on
Get too scared to jump if I wait too long
But maybe someday...

I'll see you smile as you call my name
Start to feel, and it feels the same
And I know that maybe someday's come
Maybe someday's come...
Again!

So tell me someday's come tell me some days come again...

No I won't do it some more, doesn't make any sense
If it can't be like it was, I've got to let it rest
I don't want what I did, I had a change of tense
But maybe someday...

I'll see you smile as you call my name
Start to feel, and it feels the same
And I know that maybe someday's come
Maybe someday's come...

If I could do it again maybe just once more
Think I could make it work like I did it before
If I could try it out
If I could just be sure
That maybe someday is the last time
Yeah maybe someday is the end
Oh maybe someday is when it all stops
Or maybe someday always comes again..."

Shannyn Sossamon. Mmm..

I feel as if I'd been so busy lately. And on top of that, I'm being harassed by chronic migraines that won't leave me be.
-

I sat across the table from my friend. He was blindly unaware of the tear that just rolled down my cheek. Instead, he fiddled with an old leather wrist band that an ex-girlfriend had given him. He never really did stop thinking about her.

Once he'd looked up at me, I made sure that I'd rid of any tear stains. His mind was blank of anything but her, I could tell. I knew that much about him. He knew I knew that too. He didn't even have to look me in the eye.

But then he did just that. And immediately, his face was stamped with panic. He then placed his warm hand on mine and said, "Happy birthday.."

Just bring them tomorrow and we'll blow!

Pazzo

There was this old man standing at the curb. He looked frail and fragile. He reminded me of a very old bird.

I figured he was lost, so I walked to him and kindly asked him, "Are you in need of help, sir?"

That upset him. From the calm wrinkles of his face came the eruption of rippling sags. I figured from the tone of the language he was yelling that he was Italian. I'd never met someone so old and so Italian all at the same time.

His reaction had not frightened me though. In fact, I'd wanted to giggle. I wanted to speak 5 different languages all at the same time in an exclaiming fashion, hands and volume flailing. But I just stood there, and I smiled, and I let him yell incomprehensibly at me.

After he'd finished yelling, he took a deep breath. Deep enough for me to see his chest well up to his chin and down again. He firmly looked at me. Not a trace of the eruption on his face.

Quietly he said, "Thank you for listening. I feel better now."

D and I paid a visit to sick ole Makayla.

But she wasn't home.

Darn.

_

I have 99 problems but a bitch is not one.

I'm in history, writing a paper about crips and bloods. And I'm just thinking to myself of all that has been whispering around our social ties.

Did you know...

That there is so much shit talking lately? I can't even believe my ears sometimes. All of this negativity coming out of so much mouths. I mean, I understand sometimes you just have to vent out the things that bug the shit out of you, but I'm almost sure that everyone's doings and beings shouldn't bother you at such an extent that your mouth is running for the fucking cross country team. It's everyone, it's everyone. I even catch myself drooling with negativity sometimes. But then I try and wipe away the drool and pick up on my grammar and THEN, I think of good things that make me smile and well up with happiness. Like summer, love, music, and things that suspend me infinite.

The bell will ring soon.

The Best of the Worst and the Worst of the Best

BFD, what can I say?

It was a day founded by anxiety and excitement and the chillest ecstasy. Since Makalaya couldn't make it due to the thievery of a throat illess, she gave me her extra ticket and I'd decided to ask D to accompany my sister, Tay & company, and me to the show.

The best...



For 10 hours, we were surrounded by weed, drunks, fights, half-nakey people, and some gooood music. My sister really favored watching Taking Back Sunday. Listening to them was a little overwhelming. They sounded like 3 different summers, playing a medley of songs from 3 different albums. Aha, her and D had their first ever experience with some elbows! D said that he would've joined in the mosh pit but he was afraid that he'd take it too personally with his temper, and might just go off on someone. I, on the other hand, just sang along the songs I knew by heart, at the top of my lungs! I felt so good.


Yeah Yeah Yeah's was our last performance to watch. It would've been too late to stay till the end. Actually, we had the worst place to see them be so phenomenal. Karen O was like a tiny, little ant from where we were watching. But we heard her. And I just soaked it in. I let myself, drenched in her voice.

-
Tay came home around 12, with her [I think] veggie burger from Burger King, as always. We were drained. And Taylor and I...do not fit on my bed. We were like two fetuses, and my neck hurts.
-
And for the worst part...

All I can remember is the scream fest we had. All I can remember is you, pulling your hair in frustration. All I can remember is that I knew it had gotten so bloody bad, but it would be over soon, eventually. But so far, it's been a quiet Sunday.

This day...


PS. I missed Makayla.

Tomorrow is the day.

YYYs.

TBS.

Makayla, I miss you already. Feel better sweetface.

Sad sad/:

It was cloudy, I woke up in a funk! I was moody and drenched with attitude. D called me like he always does to wake me in the morning, and I just felt like I was a bitch! Ha, it was strange. Then, he told me he wasn't going to be in school because he was running incredibly late and because he was feeling a little sick. I was sad, and I seriously considered ditching.

THEN, Makay texted me and told me that she had a swollen watermelon in her throat and was feeling ill. I was even more sad! The day felt like it had no purpose. No Makay hugs and no Dean kisses.

So inevitably, I whined and complained to my loving boyfriend about my resentment for the uneventful day. He insisted that I just pick up and leave for home. I couldn't even to that.

I sat at the bench during brunch, cold and moody and pouting still. But then...

He came back to school for me!

Then I was happy again.

The End.

3 more bloody days...

Hysteria!

No, I've yet to download the new TBS album for a bright tomorrow morning. But the thought of it excites me!

Guess what? 's

I've been sick lately. I forced myself to get out of bed this morning and ignore my headaches because I really cannot afford to miss school at this time. We're filming in French class and as lame as it sounds that Fernan suggested a Twilight involvement in it, it's a really fun bonding time.

I began adding my courts' middle names on the invitations [the invitations that my mother designed by the way, it is just precious]. Anyway, I knew more than 89% of everyone's middle names...and I realized that I'd not a clue what Fernan's middle name was. And I still don't. He hung up on me when I gave him a call. Aha, the thought just somewhat startled me for some reason.

Days ago, my friend Jessica, whom we all call Jeska, told me that she'd changed her last name! She'd said that she will update me on everything new, but that's yet to happen. My friend Jessica Jeung is now Jessica Song. Jeska Jeung is one badass name though. I really wonder why. I'm rather excited to see my two favorite Koreans soon though, her and Jennipahhhhh.

You know, I've still yet to finish The Catcher in the Rye. I've had it for ...quite a while now and I've been given at least 3 overdue notices from the library but I just shrug it off. I want to, but I cannot find the time. Or I'm just not trying hard enough to find out. And with my films. I've only developed one roll from days ago, only because Makay suggested we hang out and get the job done. I still have 8 [and counting] undeveloped rolls. I promised, I promised to gradually develop them as summer comes D:

I make the most innappropriate, perverted jokes lately. They come out like word vommit. And I LOL at myself till my teeth fall off. I've just been R-rated lately...

Me: What have you guys been doing in French lately?
D: "Oh, we're learning 'to come'. "
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAROFLMAOLAUGHLAUGHLAUGH.

Hello summer.

Hier, ma famille, mon petit copain, et moi avons regarde le film Up. Je l'ai aime[:
-
J'aime texting parfois parce que...

.makay: "Wanna be my date for gay prom?!"
...
.dx2: "HAHA I like it when you play with my tummy."
...
.jersey: "You're so ugly. LOLOLOL LMAO I AM LAUGHING ON THE FLOOR ROLLING AROUND. HARHARHAR. COUGH I'M CHOKING X_X DEAD..."

PS. I misread the calendar and thought that today was the day to see Yeah Yeah Yeah's. What a heartbreaking disappointment to find out that it's next Saturday.

Un plus semaine.

"As the waves break..."

Walk slower...

"Why?"

Walk slower...

"Why?"

Walk slower...

I will never, never let myself watch you walk away.

Kiss me goodbye pushing out before i sleep
can't you see i try swimming the same deep
water as you is hard "the shallow drowned lose
less than we" you breathe the strangest twist
upon your lips "and we shall be together..."

"Kiss me goodbye bow your head and join with
me" and face pushed deep rteflections meet
the strangest twist upon your lips and
dissapear the ripples clear and laughing break
against your feet and laughing break the mirror
sweet "so we shall be together..."

"Kiss me goodbye" pushing out before i sleep
it's lower now and slower now the strangest
twist upon your lips but i don't see and i dont
feel but tightly hold up silently my hands
before my fading eyes and in my eyes your
smile the very last thing before i go...

I will kiss you i will kiss you i will kiss you
forever on nights like this i will kiss you i will
kiss you and we shall be together...
-

We take these and rip in front of one another. We sat there, stiffening on the gravelly surface. It wasn't cold, not at all. In fact, it was just the right time of the day for me. But what had happened...

I'd said nothing. And I stared at the trail of ants panicking away from the lawn sprinkles. I stood up, stepped on them, and waited. I waited to get better, to be well. But I just stepped on them further, bullied what I can, and sat back down. I waited, I waited to get better. But I didn't, and I'm not. And I shouldn't have uttered the truth. I should've just let the day sink into me like it would any other twilight when it feels good.

I'm waiting for karma to catch up with me.
-
8 months, with these pains I'm passing out like candy, you're still a phenomena.
-


PS. I introduced The Honorary Title to Taylor. I have never openly done this, but she has good taste in music. She already figured out the pain of that last song that makes me cry.

PPS. Can't wait for Saturday.

I had one of the best conversations with a good friend of mine.

I brought up forgiveness, and it led to this whole realization that I felt I should have realized before but felt too rotten of a person to admit.
-
I want to say to someone...

I...am sorry. I am incredibly sorry for everything that I have ever done and for everything that has happened. I'm sorry for all the adversities that I've caused and the pain that I know we'll always carry around. But with out knowing it, with how I know that I've grown and changed, I began forgiving myself. I began letting go of the heaviness that I carried on my shoulders day by day. I used to always sulk and dwell and mope and feel like the sorriest ass I have ever known. But I began forgiving myself...and that's how I let go. And it feels good.

But you should know, there is no goodbye. I have to face the fact and know that even if this is it, there is no goodbye. It does not exist in this world, in these worlds. It is unheard of and is under every weight this world can carry. It does not exist. In the beginning, I created and led my own path, and you chose to follow.

What we can't forget is nature.

This is it. And this can be it for thousands of times like it's always been. But it's not over. It's not over until we both stop breathing.

But I hope, I really hope that you can forgive me one day. I really hope that you can forgive me for every damn mistake that I'd made. Every weight that I'd added on your heart. I've taken my mistakes, my faults and blames and responsibilities and dealt with it, accepted it. I'd apologized and redeemed and sucked out the black hate that I kept in me. Time and I do not settle with ease, but you've got to know

I, with every gasp of air that I take, am sorry..

I'll wait for the day that the darkness abandons us.

PS. Thank you good friend, for the conversation that opened me up. Tu sais qui tu es, j'espere. Aha.

Me: Xav!
X: Heey ange
Me: GUESS WHO GOT LAID!
X: You? Really??
Me: Me? Nah, but a lot of people, I'm sure.
X: Omg you FAG!
-
I am incredibly glad that prom is over now. It was a lovely night. Cold and warm. I saw tears rolling before everyone even got inside the building! Sweet sweet highschool.

If I may be honest, D and I looked amazing. At least we felt amazing together. We looked like the top of a wedding cake!



I don't feel like saying much.
-
My men


And Halo

My sister and I do not think that she is pretty. We think she is beautiful. We really love her.

PS. I have never felt that I was that amazing.

Dean Reese Dantes, you are a phenomena.

My boyfriend and I were supposed to get our nails done today. We arrived at the mall, saw Melanie and Teddy sitting casually on the bench in front of the nail place. I asked her what her doings were at the mall for the 2nd day this week. She flashed her nails and mumbled about pictures. So, I asked her how much it would cost to get our nails done. She said $26, and I set still and said fuck it.

Btw, while typing "bench" ^ up there, I accidentally typed in "bitch". Aha, that really amused me. A slight giggle even struck out of me.
-
Today after school felt like the last day of school. Maybe it was because of the nostalgic, at-end's mood that the assembly left us with. Ty was gone. Ry was gone. And everyone else was gone. The bench was empty. But then I saw D standing there, and he joined me in that little moment of solitude. It felt really good. "ALRIGHT SUMMER! HERE WE COME!" He has been yelling all day. All day.

I swear, that boy and I strike at each other's throats then rip each other's heads off at every chance we get. We never see eye to eye. We are always countering the other's statement. And I think we're starting to do it on purpose. ...Neh, that's just the way we are. We are complete opposites, we really are. And those mismatched, mix pieces of ourselves keeps us together. though. But then again, those pieces could also break us apart. It isn't right now, it hasn't before. And if ever it does, then he has been the best for and to me.

I want the world to know, I love Dean Dantes. Even if he makes me feel shitty sometimes because we fight. Even when I get angry at him and he gets angry at me, and we're total dicks to each other. The only love that I have ever known that have really struck and broken my insides to a degree unrecognizable is the most painful one. Actions and consquences, bring on the pain!

PS. "Glitter on the wet streets. Silver over everything.."

Ace refuses to leave my house, that's what's up.

Guess what? Makay came back to school today and I was so happy! She lost her voice and I just wanted to listen to her talk all day! She sounded like LC and B. Davis all at the same time. The best rasp voice after Rosey's and Ace's lost voice.

I like being around Makay. She makes things very alive for me. I can say whatever is in my head and be as strange as I can be, and she'll be amused! I love amusing people, but I don't have to try with her at all. I just do. She makes me very happy. And I want to say that it scares me to know that, but I don't think I am afraid. C'est bien, oui?

I think I am more excited about seeing Yeah Yeah Yeah's than going to prom. The only reason why I'm still excited for prom is because I want to dress up, and see everyone else dressed up, and...have a great night with D. But the thought of Yeah Yeah Yeah's and Taking Back Sunday. Oh man I get mammoths in my stomach!

I keep talking about the same things on my blogs, but whatever. I'm just saying.

The ancient laptop has a virus, and RV is always on the desktop, so I am never online. Except for the nights when she showers, lol.

J'ai besoin de dormir...

3 days.

I've been in the bloody malls for 3 days. I've reached my limit. I don't want to go back.

Everyone was at the mall today. I mean everyone. My prom king best friend was there looking for something purple. Melanie with her flagrant and loud lesbian comments to me was there with Alexis. My neighbor from the 4th grade was there. Chen was there with her parents. The white people (whom D says cannot remember their names but only know that they love me) were there. A group of random bunches were there. I was there. I saw too much familiar faces. Lol, I just wanted to leave. But, it was another good day with the family and the boyfriend.

Right now, my hair is curled. I don't believe that I am a curly person, nor should I attempt to be. But my bangs are getting so long that I can't even leave it in the front anymore. My white dress and I are amazing together. I really love it, I do. I'm set for prom I think. I can't wait to see D in his tux. I can't wait to see everyone look terrific. I can't wait till this is all over, and we are stress free.

I still've anything intelligent to say. Abstract even. My mind just can't loose ties. Not till it's summer.

But guess what? Makay says she'll be back tomorrow, and just the thought of it makes me anxious to go to school. I missed her so much! She's been so sick lately. If I wasn't prom busy, I would've visited everyday! Well, I can't wait. And! We're getting the BFD tickets sooooooon. I'm about to have the best Saturdays!

It's 9:53pm, and I need a shower.

PS. I'm thinking of setting up a court meeting on June 13th. I need to start planning to get everyone together. The coupling thing makes me anxious.

Nicholas: " Can you partner me with the hottest girl possible?[: "

LOL.

What can I say about this day!

Today was so much love and hate, fight and play, smiles and tears. But it was such a great day...

D and I play around a lot. We say a load of crap to each other, intended for fun. But one of us always gets offended in some way, and the other will always flip out and be offended that the other is offended. And then we fight. We argue. And our voices strain trying not to scream. First, we argue a while about the situation and why the other is being such a jerk. And then! One of us will bring up an argument from the past, and it just gets bigger! After a few struggling scream fests, we'll get quiet, we'll breathe a while, and we let time cool us a sec. Once we can look at each other again, we throw apologies everywhere, and then...we end up holding each other, and everything is fine again. I love it when we make up. I feel warm, like I'm slightly intoxicated. Yeah, lunch was so grand though. It all started with his incredibly strong, kung-fu grip and my playful smart mouth.. Aha thinking back to it now, we are so silly.

After school, Mama and Papa took us to exchange my dress for a better one. D wanted to pay, but my parents beat him to it and told him to put his money away. A million thanks to the greatest people in my life...

Anyway, I love it when D hangs out with me and the family. I feel so complete. And so does he. He's growing very much more comfortable, and I just want to smother him with all of the family love because he doesn't receive any.

It was strange, but I think I just fell more in love with him. And nothing else significant is really going through my head.

Sigh.

YYY

Everytime I hear this song...



I get so turned on v.v

I cannot wait.

The Cure, on this fine night, makes me tingle inside.

I'd like to tell you the current things I am excited for.

1. Prom! Of course I'm excited for prom, it's prom! But at the same time, I can't wait till we get passed it. I do miss hanging out with Baby over the weekends. But instead he has to work because he wants us to have the best prom at the far away places of Pleasanton where it's brutally and beautifully hot, exactly what I want. Ha, Pleasanton has everything I want.

2. BFD! I need to buy tickets soon, VERY soon. My bones are dancing just thinking about seeing the Yeah Yeah Yeah's. I've spent my nights and mornings with them this year so far. And Taking Back Sunday!? My summer is going to begin with TBS again, and that already feels like heaven. I CAN'T EXPLAIN HOW EXCITED I AM O_O

3. And of course, summer! Today was ridiculous. Ridiculously summer. I sat on my porch like I did almost everyday last summer. I heard the Wii noises like I heard almost everyday last summer. I played outside with my brother like I did almost everyday last summer. I endlessly refilled my cup with cold water because the cold always became warm like it did last summer. And I sang Honorary Title songs at the top of my lungs like I did everyday last summer. And today, just before the sun set, I stepped outside to the cooling air. And I swear, I swear my heart was ripping into pieces at how infinite I felt. It was approximately 2 minutes of amazement. At first, I could't grasp at how hard the hurt hit me. But oh it hit me, it hit me good. It made me smile to myself, and remember something really good. It made me think of moving forward now, and what's to come.

If you know...

I could just die.

It is 12:36 pm, spicy hot out.

But I am in doors, putting the list of my court together because my mother wants me to stop procrastinating everything already. It makes me anxious making a list, because I never know how to be sure of my choice of people. And so, Here's what I have. Or...what I think I have for now.

1. Enrico Andrade Jr.
2. Jude Michael Mendioro
3. Josh Batacan
4. Ryan Ramos
5. Fernan Caasi
6. Robert Nguyen
7. Xavier Geddins
8. Jon Millon
9. Alfonso Hernandez
10. Marc Garde
11. Henry Cho
12. Jeff Nebril
13. Adrian Del Fierro
14. Joehl Ostil
15. Sean Michael Ng
16. Nicholas Barrios
17. Christian Barrios
18. and Dean Dantes

The girl's list made me more anxious and stressed out...

1. Rikki V.
2. Alyssa Morelos Corpuz
3. Nicole Espera
4. Nicole Jeffery
5. Joyce Keokham
6. Kriszel Laccay
7. Leslie Anne Salvador
8. Melanie Quinteros
9. Rachel Ramos
10. Makayla Dias
11. Taylor Hoover Hart
12. Sandra Gow
13. Jennier Lee
14. Jessica Jeung
15. Alexis Delos Santos
16. Ashley Zambrano
17. Kim Le
18. Licelle Tenchavez

This might, and could possibly change over the next...5 months, but I'm making the invitations soon, so..IDK.

And about the coupling. I think I'll let them choose if they have a preference already. But if that becomes a mayhem, then we're going to do this at random, i.e. pulling names out of a hat random. So if you get my brother, then...LOL.

I need to set up a court meeting soon, informing everyone of absolutely everything and when rehearsals should be. And what to wear, and how this whole thing should smoothly sail. I'm exhausted...

And now is time to work on the guest list.

I need a bloody shower.

Whoever,

I've to say, I had a rather terrific day. Makay, Dean, and I finally developed one roll of film. It was incredibly exciting! I was jumping out of my pants with excitement when I held them in my hands and the two stuck their heads in to look. I love our picnics. I put up some pictures on my wall, and I feel so warm and happy when I see it. I cannot wait to develop the rest. I'll gradually get to that. Had I mentioned that I love our picnics?

Today, we saw these painfully adorable French...crap I forgot the name of 'em, but it was the cutest dog I'd ever seen. My favorite was Casper. He's white, lovable, and so tiny. I wanted to throw him, that's how cute. I feel strange when I get these desires to have a dog again, because I think of how many dogs we've had there didn't last. Sigh.

Can you feel summer creeping it's way? I can, I certainly can. I love warm late-afternoons well-spent. You just don't want it to end. But it does, it always does. There's always the next day though. And that's what I couldn't wait for when I happily crashed home. Tomorrow.

I've been waking up at 5:30 am lately, and I think I want to keep it that way. I want to wake up at 5:30 every morning, weekdays and weekends. I wonder how long I could keep it up.

If I wasn't so lazy and didn't have tremendous amounts of studying to do, I'd add a picture on this entry. But all the great pictures are in my head. So words will have to do.

We're moving forward now.

WhoElse.

PS. Tomorrow is RV's talent show at Walter's. Come and watch!

"Down
Count me down
Down
Down boy"

"Future will be better, I promise you that"
-Geddins, X.

-

Photo credits to Aces.

There was only one significant thing that I can remember of today.

I sat on the couch with him, like we always used to when time was more frequently attainable, watching my favorite movies together that soon became his favorites too.

Our feet twined and our hands restless. Every minute or two we'd look to the corner and catch the other glancing. And then we'd fall into a deep stare that neither of us expect no matter how many times it consecutively happened.

My heart was thumping out of my chest, screaming this agonizing feeling that I know I'd once...or twice felt before. It felt so strange. I felt like imploding. I felt like jumping out of my skin and release what ever was causing me such inexplicable longing. It's like I couldn't take it.

So, I contained myself, held on to his gaze, crawled next to him, resting my head on his chest. I wanted to bury myself there. He whispered into my hair, "I love you..."

I'd heard him say this a dozen and one times before, but this time, I felt a lump in my throat and a sting in my eyes. I buried myself deeper into him and whispered I love you too. I heard his heart beat faster until they too we're jumping out of his chest.

I pulled away and looked away for a second. When I turned back to him again, there were tears rolling down his cheeks. And this should come as a shock, but instead I smiled and I knew why it's been hurting to be with him more and more lately. I was hanging on to him now like he's been fighting for me the months that we've been together. I'd never completely acknowledged how much he loves me. How much he adores me. How much he yearns for me.

I understand that pain and weakness for him now. I never did, though I really, of all people, I really should have understood. I should have understood the pangs in your chest when you first see their face for the day. I should have understood the addiction that their scent leaves you, wanting more. I should have understood that their very words and their very eyes could crash your heart right down to your stomach and out scraping the ground. I should have understood that the mere thought of that person could have you breathless. I really should have understood.

I don't know everything, but I know enough about love.

I know that this I have... it's going to hurt like hell.

And I'm ready.

I have so much to say O_O
-
Let's begin with something not-so-light.

...

I was in the RC again today, Responsibility Center (I think?). It's been two days that I've wasted my precious time in there for 3rd block. This is what I get for indecent exposure. Next time, I'll remember to suppress the desire to take off my pants no matter how hottttt it is. NO MATTER HOW HOT! Just kidding, but that's the story I told people. Explaining that I was in the RC because I was learning how to play 13 just does not seem cool enough to even mention. (Carried away now).

So while in the RC...

A part of me wanted to cry. Or expected to cry. But unexpectedly, I didn't feel the warm, simmering eruption that I know would have led to a quiet, tearful digestion of what I already know after reading. I could not feel the weight of what should have been a heavy heart digging a hole in the pit of my stomach, the way it used to way back when. It's like being hit in the head with a beach ball.

This feels like the Butterfly Effect. And not with the alternate endings either. This is the Butterfly Effect. We had tried and tried and relentlessly tried for countless times. They were always different. Always a time. A different scene. Different people. Different reasons. Different hairstyles. But the ending is always the same. It is always a wreckage. It is always a mess. It always gets worse. And it always hurts. But like the theatrical ending of the movie, we are moving forward now. We are walking with the world, all the billions of them on the street. We are on our phones or heading home. We pass by each other, feel the subtle grazes of our shoulders. There's a slight twinge and a slight recognition. It's familiar, but not worth the stop anymore. Our eyes hardly meet but they still touch. And after that nano second of hesitation considering our next step, we move. We move, and we keep moving forward. There is something there. We both know there is something there. But the passersby keep walking, and the scene is a blur of the busy world. We are a part of that busy world. And now, we have accepted the paths of these pavements.

And the last scene of the movie, Evan and Kayleigh pass each other by, both turning around for a quick gaze. But that quick gaze was all they had, nothing more. Just...reminiscence. That's all that's left now.


The credits inevitably roll. Our names marked, and once again, like everything else, they forward to the top of the screen until they're no where in sight.

So your frequently asked question, remembering all the songs we've ever shared, "Is this it?"
We can finally answer.

This is it.

-
And now, I'll end this with something light.

D and I went shopping today. Well, I helped him shop. He is so helpless sometimes. He finally bought his baseball tees. He's been wanting those. He finally bought new black pants. He's been wanting those. He finally bought some tshirts. He's been wanting those. He finally bought white basketball shorts. He's been wanting those. And he bought ME black pants. He's been wanting those for me.

"I used to get chest pains every time I heard you say I love you to someone else in front of me but now I know I have it better than everyone else..."

He had a present for me today. Wrapped and topped with a loving monkey, Benjamin Button is finally mine! I guess I should have expected it, but I forgot somehow.

"PS. I hope you're surprised. I hope you like the movie. And if you decide I'm not your date to Prom, I put an extra ticket so that you can take who ever you like.
I love you Angerica Andrade

Dean Dantes"

That was all I needed when the sun was setting behind me.

I detest dress shopping. It makes me anxious and depressed. I do not like choosing under time and pressure. I do not like being held back by money. I do not like money! I am so picky and indecisive about what to put on myself. Guys have it so easy. They can look sharp with a really nice tux or suit. But girls have everything else in between to worry about. It's been 3 years (maybe 4 if I count 8th grade promotion) that I've had horrendous shopping expiriences for dresses. Next year, I'm not putting it off. I'm going to get that shit done. (Or so that's what I say now)

Sigh, other than that...well there really is nothing else other than that. Kim and I were able to spend some quality time and I'll be honest, it was rather nice. She's the only one that I can be the girliest with. I guess I'd forgotten how much fun we have together. But we're moving forward now, folks.

I'm very excited for prom. I'm excited to pick out a tux tomorrow with D. I'm excited about the next sunny days coming up. I'm just excited. But for now, I'm exhausted. I'm absolutely drained. And I have nothing intelligent to say. Therefore...

Bonne nuit ..

PS. 3 in the afternoon?! LOL

Guess what?

Benjamin Button comes out tomorrow. I saw the commercial tonight, and I almost wet myself. D says I've been doing that a lot lately. I ...have no idea what he was talking about, but it sounded dirty. Just like when he told me that my muffin was good. I couldn't help but giggle in class. I mean, what would YOU think? I told him that I woke up reeeally turned on from my nap tonight. It really was bad. I feel so cool for being abstinent (with the exception of kissing). But it's such a pain. It makes me think of dirty things in class, or when I'm watching TV, or before I go to bed, or when I wake up. My head is so full of lust lately, I think that means I need to get laid or something.

Oh but right, I'm abstinent ..



Since wasting time is my forte, I would love to, if I could, waste the rest of the days tangled on a mattress with you.

It's Blitz! Karen O brings out the sexiness of listening to music on a good night like this. Oh sin sin, lust lust.

I love you so viciously that my lips bled.

Predator and Prey

It's late and I'm tired but I could use something warm to make me sleep. So warm it burns.

I had a rather pleasant day and evening. Since it rained, Ace's Santa Cruz plans were shot so I'd thought that for the day, I can just lay around, update my Ipod (which really is no longer working), and talk to D. But then JB texted before I had stepped into my shower and invited me to dinner. I haven't spent any quality time with him in so long that I became so excited!

We drove to Warm Springs and he took me to his favorite ramen place. It was cool, and I mentioned something about Dining and Dashing. I really began considering it but he said that he went there way too often. I love our implied paying traditions The implication is that I never really have to pay.

We'd simply talked about everything else in between. Prom, significant others, sex, friends, college. I really missed him.


Apres, we waited for Ace in the car outside my house. We listened to both of their musically-told lives. From their previous friends, infatuations, reminiscence, adventures to the aimless phrases just so we can spit some laughter. 8 o'clock and we played Monopoly. JB and Ace fucking killed RV and me. Mainly because we hadn't really known the basic principles, and because we we're absolutely caught up with texting.

We played till 12, and they just left. I was over 20,000 in debt, and the game ended with RV in her room, Ace scraping so that she wouldn't have to admit JB won, JB excitedly screaming and farting, and me with 305 to spare. Wonderful night!

Just like Summer '08

Yesterday, I swallowed the sun. Today, I cried my heart out. We are exploding across the skies, I know. Star-crossed and viciously erupting out of our thirsty, weeping cores.